Obscure Ex-Tiger of the Day, 12-11

Chris Shelton

The enigma that is Chris Shelton will not ever be fully understood. Arguably the greatest Mormon red-haired Tiger in 2006, Chris Shelton was on pace to rewrite the record books. On April 17th, 2006 the great red hope hit his 9th HR of the season. At the time, he was the quickest in American League history to accumulate 9 Hr's at such an early date. As historians of my blog will tell you, on that day he was hitting ".471 with 9 HR's, 5 doubles, 3 triples and a slugging % of 1,216." His offense was "Babe Ruthian" and his defense was positively "Roger Dornian." Those three triples must have been pretty wild; I can only assume they came from other teams not taking Tom Emanski's baseball drill videos to heart during spring training.

And suddenly, it was over. I remembered watching a Pistons game in late April of 2006 at Utah, Shelton was there, of course. I remember him wearing a turtleneck and somehow looking extremely awkward, in Salt Lake, which i did not know was achievable. Shelton, started playing baseball like a pasty overweight ginger and struck out as much as Michigan's football coaching search. By June 3rd, he was batting 8th. By late July he was a Mud Hen.

So what happened? Most scholars will point to the obvious that he sold his soul to the baseball gods. He became a cocky Mormon ginger, and the baseball gods decided drastic measures needed to be taken to strike him down. For a good visual of what happened, go rent Space Jam and take note of the scenes when the aliens zap the basketball talent of such stars as Patrick Ewing, Mugsy Bogues and of course Shawn Bradley. Man, the Shawn Bradley MonStar really got boned on that deal. When he wasn't striking out, he was hitting lazy fly balls to the 2nd basemen. He went from unquestionably the best player in early 2006 to making Neifi look serviceable in the way that he played in June-July.

Chris Shelton was recently traded to the Rangers for Freddy Guzman. The Chris Shelton era of Tiger baseball was over. I implore my 3-5 readers to remember the Shelton era fondly. Without him, we do not go to the playoffs. Without him, we can never reminisce about the days when our beloved Tigers were led by Sloth, from the Goonies.




Share your favorite Shelton stories, or just brag about your $100+ Shelton authentic jersey you impulse bought.

Obscure Ex-Tiger of the Day, 11-9

(He had atleast one error this day)

Neifi Perez.

I fully expect the term "Neifi'd" to take the place of "Munsoned." If you look up "professional swinging bunt douchebag drug attic bag of farts" in your websters dictionary, you'll probably see the picture from above. Never did I ever think that we would look back at the John McDonald era so fondly.

Lot's of bad things have happened in over 100 years of Detroit baseball. But the shitcloud #8 subjected to us might top everything. Neifi played 55 terrible games in Detroit. In his unprecedented run to league LVP he hit below .200, had a grand total of 4 doubles, hit one HR, got suspended twice and killed 6 babies. The Royals did get Neifi'd this year when he hit a HR and had 4 Rbi's in a blow out victory. This upset dwarfed App. St. over Michigan. Sadly, that win over the Royals should probably have an asterisks by it now.

On October 30, the year of our lord 2007, Detroit Tigers (f)utility infielder Neifi Perez filed for free agency. Expected suitors include junior varsity assistant coaching opportunities and/or becoming religious in order to try to save his soul that he sold to the devil.

The Tigers have now had two players suspended because of the new drug policy. Neifi Perez, and Alex "speedy" Sanchez. With these two suspensions, the Detroit Tigers lead all of Major League Baseball in irony.

Share your favorite true or untrue Neifi stories.

Tigers Take 2 of 3 From Racists

Sorry for the lack of updates recently, I've been busy debating with myself which Tiger is more "now" then the others. Sportscenter has dazzled us with commitment to suck in the last 5 years, but as I was wasting away my life watching a "contest" between Serena Williams and Steve Nash I could feel actual rage and hatred seeping into my pure heart. So, I changed the channel to Top 40 awesomely wacky celebrity baby names to regain my chi. By the way, Sheffield won my Gene Kingsale bracket because of his comments toward latin players. Way to go Gary.

Kraig Monroe has done his best Karlos Pena impression so far this season. That impression being play like hot garbage and have people threatening to slash his tires for half a season, and then put up Chris Shelton #'s the other half. Well, atleast that's what I'm planning on. It's pretty dumb to have an average fielding LF hitting .225 with less then 10 HR's at the break. But, as Tiger historians will remind you often, he is tied for the most homeruns in Detroit Tiger history.

The Tigers got 3 with Bawstan before the break. I have a feeling we will sweep them because they are responsible for Fever Pitch and I probably falsely blame them for the phenomenon of girls around the country wearing pink mlb hats and jerseys.

The Tigers have 5 all-stars, including 3 starters. That is 4.5 more then we had the majority of my lifetime. I honestly don't know what I did enjoy more, this or when Robert Fick would be our merciful selection to showcase detroit baseball to a worldwide audience.

Eat em' up Tigers.

Nate Robertson Pitches No Hitter

Sean Casey's HR the other day nearly caused me to do multiple barrel rolls down 96 on my way to East Lansing. I've kind of hated Casey this year. Largely because if I had a choice I'd prefer someone without two torn hamstrings hitting in the middle of the line up and playing 1st base. But, I can't ignore that he's been pretty decent this last month. He's still not ideal, but compared to our bullpen he isn't even close to one of the main problems of this team.

The baseball world was rocked to its core as the Tigers and the Atlanta's exchanged vastly underachieving LHP's. We exchanged Wilfredo Ledezma (a frequent reader of this blog) for Macay McBride. To sum it up simply, both have been lousy, but unlike Ledezma we have the option of sending McBride to the Toledo's. Ledezma will likely start for the Atliens.

Maroth recently was traded to the Cardinals for a player to be named later. Sounds like a pretty fair trade. Maroth is a nice guy, but with Rogers back, he really has no business in the rotation.

Verlander's no hitter was neat. From the 7th inning on it basically was a prolonged panic attack. 12 strike outs and throwing 102 in the 9th was simply video game-esque, which is the greatest compliment you can give to a living person. Robertson also threw a less publicized no hitter for the Erie Sea Wolves.

Roman Colon. We received him in return for Kyle Farnsworth. Nobody liked this trade when it happened, except maybe Jeremy Affeldt. Colon has been injured all year and recently was involved in an altercation in AAA. I'll give you the abridged version, which is sadly a true story. Colon was in the locker room listening to music, Jordan Tata decided it was too loud and went and confronted Colon. The active closer for the Mudhens, Jason karnuth, decided to be the peacemaker and got in between the two. Unfortunately Colon swung and splattered Karnuth's face. Karnuth now needs reconstructive surgery on his face...and is out for the year. Thank goodness for our immense bullpen depth.

Rod Allen recently won his second straight emmy. My neck buggywhipped forward when I heard that fantastic news.

Tigers are home for a couple weeks. Go see them play, dummy.

Tigers vs. Algonquin term meaning "the good land"

Since recovering from my minor heart attack from the MLB draft, the Tigers have roared back and clawed there way back near the top of the AL Central. The Tigers have really earned their stripes as they have pounced on their prey and shown no mercy. And that's probably enough of those.

I was one of the 8 who watched the MLB draft. Prior to the draft, I had heard of possibly 4 players, one of them being Rick Porcello. This is who the Tigers drafted at 27, causing me and other Tiger nerds across the nation to break out their finest sparkling grape juice and celebrate. Porcello was a high school pitcher, which unfortunately brings down the wrath of the moneyball gods against our organization. Fortunately for us though, Porcello has been called by some the best HS pitcher since Josh Beckett. So, that is neat. If he signs, it's expected it will be for 8-10 million. Mike Illitch has 8-10 million more then me, So I hope Porcello does sign.

The Tigers released Jose Mesa. 0 Tiger fans mourned this loss.

The Milwaukee's come to Comerica to renew their olde timey Al rivalry with the Tigers. Led by Prince Fielder who basically Macauley Culkin'd his father Cecil, who ironically was nicknamed the "Big Daddy."

Kenny Rogers will be back soon. Zumaya might not be back this season. So, get ready to embrace the Jason Grilli close game excitement, and of course embrace the Yorman Bazardo era.

Go Tigers.

Both Teams Played Hard

(a typical Todd Jones save)

Todd Jones....1 IP, 7 hits, 2 BB, 1 Hr, 5 ER. 46 pitches thrown.

This might be dumbest stat line for a closer in the history of baseball. None of it makes any logical sense whatsoever. Why would you bring in Jones, who is notorious for giving up hits, in the 8th inning with 2 outs and 2 runners on in a 4 run game. We all know deep in our heart that Todd Jones is not a good closer, seriously. A good closer does not average 3.22 K's per 9 innings or have an opponents batting average of .300+ or inspire heart ailments as abundantly as he has. It's basically been dumb luck on our part that he hasn't been exposed. Leyland should know this, how he managed the game last night was inexcusable. None of it was logical. After he blew a 4 run lead and had a capable lefty warmed up in the pen last night he decided to leave Jones in to pitch to a lefty who obviously got the winning hit.

The Tigers have lost 7 of 8 and are 4.5 back. This last week of Detroit sports has been the equivalent of the first Iceland game from Mighty Ducks 2. You know, the ducks are overconfident and their coach is more interested in marketing his air bombay loafers then worrying about the team. If that Mighty Ducks 2 reference flew over your head, I immediately recommend putting it first on your netflix queue.

It's pretty much time for some of the Tiger's to step up. The Tigers all-time postseason HR leader, Craig Monroe, it would be decent if you could hit above .240 for a LF. Brandon Inge, you are getting paid almost 25 million to hit .217 right now. Sean Casey, you've been on a single hitting rampage, which would be nice if you were our utility infielder, but you play 1b. 1b, 3b, LF are three traditional positions where you expect some of your biggest run producers. Neifi Perez, just go away, please. Pudge, you have two walks, one was intentional, stop playing like a douche and having the hitting approach of a Rob Deer. If Magglio Ordonez wasn't putting up Willie May's numbers right now, it would be stupid to think about where this team would be.

Sheffield just got suspended for three games, I still don't know why, but he did. The potential line up for the Texas series is going to be pretty wild.

1. Granderson CF

2. Polanco 2b

3. Casey 1b

4. Magglio rf

5. rodriguez C

6. Thames DH

7. Monroe lf

8. Infante 3b

9 Neifi ss

and a bullpen of

Byrdak, ledezma, Grilli, Seay, Miner and Jones.

Sweep the Rangers.

Cleveland Sucks

Life can't get much better. The Tigers are in first place and just finished a sweep of the Cardinals AND I just received an email that a Prince from Ethiopia is offering me over 25 million dollars for just the use of my bank account! Wow, what a rush! With all this money I can finally buy happiness. Or, the castle from the critically acclaimed movie Blank Check.

I was at the Tigers game Saturday night. Easily the most enjoyable part of the entire game was the guy sitting in front of me heckling Juan Encarnacion in right field. For those of us who remember the Encarnacion era in Detroit, there is PLENTY of material to heckle him about. Anyways, these guys' material was strictly limited to the "HEY JUAN" heckle. Literally this was the go to heckle upwards of 60 times in a nine inning game. After each time they would yell this, they would turn to each other and high five each other emphatically. It was a disaster/masterpiece depending on your appreciation of unintentional comedy.

Other then the heckling, the highlight of the game was a Sean Casey double in the gap in right center. He hit second and made the turn to go for third, before realizing if he attempted this herculean feat he would have ripped every ligament in his lower body. This sounds insignificant, but a Sean Casey triple would surpass Magglio Ordonez's ALCS HR for best moment in Comerica Park history.

The California Angels are next on the homestand. This team of crumb-bums is led by hot shot RF Vladimir Guerrero and the crafty vet Mel Clark. Who, in the deciding game of the pennant threw over 160 pitches in a complete game win. Yes, it's pretty pathetic that I have watched Angels in the Outfield twice this year when it has started after 2 am. Bonderman might be back to pitch on Thursday of this series, but it's really no biggie because we have Miller waiting in the wings if he is not well enough to pitch.

After the California Anaheim Los Angeles Angels leave town we have a series with Cleveland. It's going to be a good week to deficate on our neighbors to the south.

Also, For Love of the Game was hot garbage. I am in no way endorsing this disaster of a movie. It's on TV often, and the only scene I enjoy is when Kevin Costner destroys his hand cutting it with a saw. Then, it's off my TV.

Too Many Bellyitchers

Great. Bonderman, and Zumaya are on the DL. It wouldn't shock me to hear that Adam Bernero has been called up, or that Venezuelan rebels have miraculously transported Ugie Urbina back to pitch for us. I don't know about you, but over these next couple of weeks there's a strong chance I'll develop an ulcer watching Mesatime at the end of a close game. Dr. Destroy is taking Bonderman's place on the roster, and will start on friday against St. Louis.

The Detroit's just gone with a road series in the always aesthetically pleasing Hubert H. Humphrey Dome. When I think of the Metrodome, it always for some reason reminded me of how Russia is often portrayed, cold, ugly, but efficient. I honestly can't think of anything more depressing then going to a baseball game in May and leaving 70 degree temperature to go watch baseball players play on turf under a dome that is white that makes professional baseball players look like wang-tangs as they stumble around to catch a routine pop fly. Also, the ball should never bounce over an outfielders head, ever. It’s efficient because they decided not to splurge on fences, but rather settle on giant garbage bags. Anyways the Tigers made Garrison Keillor weep as the Tigers won the first two of the series before losing by 6 safeties in the finale as vicious Virgil Vasquez was vanquished by the victorious Twins.

Tiger’s split the first two with the bostons. Tonight's game against the sawx was rained out. Doubleheader tomorrow. Regardless of the outcome, we can be certain ESPN will spend the majority their time by telling us about Robert Fick's reaction to the Roger "the rocket" Clemen's return. I honestly don't know what I want more, a Tigers championship or Clemen's to be finally proven to have taken HGH or just flame out spectacularly with the Yankees. Nothing was really more evil then announcing mid game from Steinbrenner's press box that he was coming back. Chet Steadman is the only "rocket" to me. I sincerely hope that every time Clemen's throws a pitch this year a pain shoots down his arm and a wicked guitar riff plays in his head. For the three of you who have seen Rookie of the year, that made sense.

Also, Neifi Perez had 4 RBI’s in a game earlier this year. I apologize for not devoting an entire entry just to this mind blowing feat.

Eat em' Up Tigers

Magglio Ordonez is playing everygame like it's the homecoming game against Valley High. His psuedo mullet is bringing a special amount of pain this year as he was honored with the extremely prestigious AL player of the week (ALPOTW). Undoubtedly he's benefitting from Sheffield and Guillen sandwiching him in the lineup.

I know I have no authority on this at all, but everytime Rod says "proven track record" that is definitely a drink or seven. Through the first month of the season, he has uttered these magical words atleast 4x a game. This has almost made basically everyone on the teams slumps oddly enjoyable. Also, I'm pretty sure he described someones double the other day as "pimping" it. As in "Neifi Perez just pimped that ball over the center fielder's head, pahdnuh!"

Usually I wait more then a month to rip on a player, but Sean Casey has to go. Remember in simpler days of video game baseball when players were ranked 1-10 in different categories? Well, this is how I'd rank him. 0-10 for speed, 1-10 for power, 1-10 for range in the field, 8-10 for hitting lazy ground balls to the 2b, 3-10 for goatee, 2-10 for the ability to bend his knees in doing anything, 14-10 for being a "nice guy." Seriously, watching him run is uncomfortable, I'd compare it to watching a dog move with only 2 legs. Some will give the argument that he is a "career" .300 hitter. This is accurate, but this is before he apparently tore both his ACL's without telling anyone. I don't know if team ambassador is a real position, but I suggest making it for him just so we can actually take advantage of his talents. To summarize, I'd take Carlos Pena over Casey.

The Tigers have won 6 of 8 after sweeping the White Sox in a one game series and now sweeping the Baltimores. The hitting has started to come around, the bullpen has picked it up and they almost got in a brawl. Simply put, they are almost as hot as Erin the Esurance girl. Seriously, these advertisements are insane, and seriously have men questioning themselves throughout the Detroit area.

We trail Cleveland in the Central right now. Cleveland won't win the Central, because God hates Cleveland. Nothing good comes from Cleveland, it would not surprise me at all if Carlos Mencia is a native Clevelandnite.

Drink 3, Rod Allen Just Mentioned Talking to Monroe in Batting Practice

I started writing this blog for the same reason that everyone else writes a blog; that is, to pick up babes. So far, that hasn't really panned out but it has allowed me to get in contact with people potentially nerdier then me that for whatever reason read this somewhat regularly. I feel that so far my coverage of this year has been "sucky" and I've been letting down the geeksquad. My reason for this, like everyone else, I was completely wrapped up in the Anna Nicole Smith baby daddy drama. I wish that this story could have lasted forever, but, it's come to an end. Thank goodness there is no other important national news like war(s) or genocides to distract me. So, the Tigers come home from a 10 game roadie with a 7-5 record.

For some unknown reason, the Tigers decided to go back to the deadball era. Our 4 normal starters have been Christy Matthewsonesque with their starts so far. Unfortunately Chad Durbin has been Nata Cornejoesque so far this season. I see him getting one more start and then future 15 game winner Wilfredo Ledezma will take his spot. You can bet on that happening.

With all the deserved hoopla going on about the celebration of the 60th anniversary of Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier, I thought it would be a good day to honor someone else who made great strides for equality in major league baseball. The first major league baseball player with a vagina, AJ Pierzynski. He continues to overcome enormous obstacles in that nobody likes or has respect for him. I searched Aj Pierzynski on youtube, and not surprisingly this video http://youtube.com/watch?v=mj50-Iy2GCk is one of the first that come up. Here's another account of his douchebaggery from Bruce Jenkins who is the beat writer for the Giants gives his account of what happened when Aj fouled a ball off of his vagina.

"One of those now-it-can-be-told stories the White Sox, A.J. Pierzynski's new
employer, surely haven't heard: During a Giants exhibition game last spring,
Pierzynski took a shot to his, shall we say, private parts. Trainer Stan Conte
rushed to the scene, placed his hands on Pierzynski's shoulders in a reassuring
way, and asked how it felt. "Like this," said Pierzynski, viciously delivering a
knee to Conte's groin. It was a real test of professionalism for the enraged
Conte, who vowed to ignore Pierzynski for the rest of the season until Conte
realized how that would look. The incident went unreported because all of the
beat writers happened to be doing in-game interviews in the clubhouse, but it
was corroborated by a half-dozen eyewitnesses who could hardly believe their
eyes. Said one source, as reliable as they come: "There is absolutely no doubt
that it happened."

The Tigers head back to Comerica park for a 2 series homestand against the Missouri's own, Kansas City Royals and the cheese dicks from Chicago. At 7-5 when you've played 10 away games I'll take this record. But, it sure would be awfully neat if some of our players could hit over .150 sometime soon.

Go tigers.

Tigers vs.Those Guys That Sang Dust in the WInd

Watching Magglio Ordonez in the 8th inning the other night was like watching a lost child in a mall. Lot's of confusion, lots of unnecessary movement which mercifully came to a happy conclusion. He did not receive an error that inning, but he misplayed 3 balls terribly and almost got hit in the head on the 4th ball.

I should have known he was going to have a rough go of it to start. At opening day, Magglio took RF and actually seemed kind excited to be out there. Usually, some drunk will yell at him from the bleachers and he'll turn around and just stare awkwardly into nothing...it's hard to explain, but somehow it's an awkward situation. Anyways, him and Granderson are playing catch. Ordonez obviously misses a throw from Granderson and goes to retrieve the ball. Granderson, thinking the warm up was over turned to Monroe and was talking to him. Slater, then retrieves the ball and throws a 200 foot missile that misses concussing Granderson by a foot. Needless to say, Magglio was the first Tiger booed in 2007.

The Tigers are 1-1. In actuality they were the better team opening day, and a worse team the second game that they won. The third game, both teams decided to sip hot cocoa and skip the game the game altogether.

We now travel to a unanimous top 5 choice for least interesting state, Kansas. They are from Kansas city, and their nickname is the Royals. That is dumb. KC is one of the most consistent teams in all of baseball. Over the last decade, every aspect of their team has been consistently lousy. Mike Sweeney is their "MVP," but, if I was a betting man I'd wager that he'll miss 110 games atleast with cramps or something stupid.

In some overlooked news, Guillen signed a 4 year contract to stay a Tiger. We probably paid him less then he wanted but did give him 4 years. This is good news, mostly because he's been our most consistent player the last couple of years, and less importantly my sleazy all-star Guillen jersey is still relevant and does not need to be retired.

Opening Day Haiku 2

Detroit dreams again

Crush foes Urbina style

Old man stench supreme

To me, Opening day is like Christmas morning, a snow day, the first weekend of the NCAA tournament all wrapped up in a pizza. In the past, it was the kickoff of basically a 6 month slaughter, but not this year. This is easily the most anticipated opening day in the last 15 years. Seriously, the Tigers are going to celebrate winning the American League title last year. That is stupid good.

Anyways, in potentially Ultimate Warrior gorilla slamming bad news, Kenny Rogers is on the DL with arm trouble and will miss his first start. Supposedly it's just "arm fatigue. I'm pretty sure I've had arm fatigue since 7th grade baseball. So, hopefully this doesn't minimize his effectiveness for the next decade like it has me. He's supposed to miss one start and Rad Chad Durbin will fill in.

A while ago I posted what I thought the opening day lineup should look like and what Leyland's will probably look like. For some reason I was able to guess that Pudge would be lead off. Which, he will be against lefties. Hopefully the excess steroids in his system have worn off and he won't go all Willie Mayes Hayes in Major League 2 on us.

Probably you have heard this already, but ex-tiger Ugie Urbina (UUU) was sentenced to 14 years in Venezuelan jail. I've never experienced Venezuelan jail before, but I imagine that is approximately equal to 2 to 3 times that sentence here. So, if you were debating if it was worth it to attack someone with a machete and pour gasoline on them, just be aware of the potential consequences. Use words, not machetes. Remember that phrase next time you are in a disagreement.

Ozzie Guillen is a douchebag. You can read about it here: http://www.detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070329/SPORTS0104/703290400&imw=Y

The highlight is when he farts out of his mouth about Leyland "Is he a great manager? Hell, no." Well, no one likes Ozzie and it's cute how once every couple of months he draws attention to himself. Usually with some homophobic slur or when he cuts a pitcher for missing throwing a beanball. He's becoming very Wolf "the Dentist" Stansson esque with his hate. Remember, Jium Leyland wears his cleats in the dugout.

Alright, Monday is opening day. Obviously, I'm going to hop on my jet and get back to Detroit and I'll be there. For those with class/work/scrabble tournaments, just kindly avoid those on monday. Seriously, for all 7 of you read this, don't pull an Urbina and miss out on Opening day.

20,160 Minutes Until Opening Day 2007

The Tigers are so hot right now; it's as if their genitials were smeared with copious amounts of AXE body spray because everyone is on our nuts right now. Last year, the most optimistic of sports writers predicted a .500 season. Except of course for Rod Allen who apparently saw all this coming and predicted a division championship. Many journalists with national respect rivaling mine have predicted 90+ wins, division, league, world, galaxy championships for the upcoming season. Some say we are expected to have a top 3 pitching staff, top 3 outfield, a top 5 lineup, and be top 1 in bandwagon fans next year.

A division championship isn't that wild to comprehend next year. The Twins are likely without Liriano for the entire year. The Royals, well, they are still excited about their fountains in the outfield and will likely not show up again this year. The Indians might be good, but they are also from Cleveland which celebrates a rich history of suck. The White Sox, well, I just plain hate them. That alone is worth -10 games in the standings. I'm not saying the Tigers will win the division, because so many things have to go your way for that to happen. And last year, everything did go right. So, I guess what I'm saying is it's in the realm of possibility.

The starting rotation is set. Bonderman, Rogers, Robertson, Verlander, Maroth. It's pretty stupid to think how far we've come in one year with this same rotation. So, I'm not even going to think about it. Bonderman get's the nod on opening day against the Blue Jays. Honestly, the Blue Jays? It's like they weren't even trying to come up with a cool name, they were just sitting around looking out a window and made a pact to choose the first thing they saw. They were probably pissed that they saw a Blue Jay first, but, they made a pact.

The Tigers single A affiliate, the Lakeland Tigers are no more. They changed their name to the Lakeland Flying Tigers. A couple people have asked me what a flying tiger is. Obviously, it's a tiger with wings, dumbass. Why the name change? Obviously, someone in Lakeland made a pact to change their team name to the first thing they saw when they looked outside their window.

504 Hours Until Opening Day

The Tigers and Bawstan Red Sawks nearly came to blows after Todd Jones torpedeod a fastball presumably speeding in excess of 80 MPH behind Jamie Diana Drew's back. The Boston's must have been seriously PMSing because they took exception to this and the benches cleared. Beckett earlier in the game hit Sheffield in the arm with a fastball causing him to laugh sarcastically and question Beckett if his favorite movie was a A League of their own. Later Beckett hit Magglio in the head, luckily his brain cushioned the blow. In response Leyland probably stood extremely close to some members of the Boston's and breathed closely on them tormenting them with the patented old man stink.

The Tigers have been involved in a couple of injury scares recently. Luckily all have turned out to be minor and we are in pretty good shape. When Slater took that Beckett curveball to the head he went to the hospital. The damage was major in that it caused a bad hair day for AC, but he is fine. Pedro Cerrano (monroe) hurt his knee attempting to rob a HR. What a doofus. But, that seems to be fine.

In 3 weeks it is opening day. I've already laid out my clothes on my floor. I think I'm not going to sleep until April 2nd. No, that's stupid, I'll definitely sleep.

use these to get butt-pysched
post-game Tigers/Yankees celebration http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OVui5LawY8
'84 WDIV intro http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3e7fuyMY98&NR
Magglio HR from LF http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZIztPkX3Dw&mode=related&search=

Tigers Ready to Make It Rain On Florida Southern

Tigers have a game tomorrow. No, really. Florida Southern travels to the madhouse that is Joker Marchant Stadium for a crucial early season battle. The Tigers are starting Virgil Vasquez. I really can't tell you much about him, but his name is Virgil, so he's already a couple steps ahead of all of us. We have 7 pitchers scheduled to bring that hot fire tomorrow, most notably Kyle Sleeth and Jair Jurrjens. Sleeth has had a bum arm since being drafted in the 1st round a couple years ago, but supposively has looked good so far in spring.

My favorite thing about spring training is the articles that come out. The vast majority of these articles are these super optimistic fluff pieces that make you think it's impossible for your team to win anything less then 140 games in the upcoming year. If you remember, last year at this time we were bombarded with constant articles proclaiming meathook's new svelt and magnifique physique. Then, he was in rehab.

This year we are treated to Granderson correcting his strikeout issues, Sheffield becoming insta-bff's with the entire organization and my favorite, Bonderman developing a change up. These articles get me all hot and bothered. They are sexy as hell but do not mean a thing until april 2nd. After taking a cold shower and coming to grips, it's best to realize that when there are no games going on, nothing of any consequence is going on.

In some depressing news, "Go Get em' Tigers" will be no more. Apparently the Tigers team felt the song was a downer and ruined their high after winning a big game. So, I feel it is this blogs duty to find a replacement. First song that immediately came to my mind was Wreckxs n effects epic "Rumpshaker." After Neifi hits the walkoff HR, I'd love to see a group of hunnies take the field with saxophones of course and seranade the victorious Tigers properly. I'm open to other suggestions though.

34 days until opening day

Hallelujah Hollaback! Pitchers and Catchers Report

First off, I'd like to apologize to my loyal readers. I've been really busy these past couple of weeks with video games and tv thus not allowing me to update as frequently as I should. Readers, I think you are comcastic. I really do.

Just like today is a made up holiday, so is tomorrow. Tomorrow pitchers and catchers report. I need to let that sink in a little bit. I'm getting a little verklempt over here imagining that this bastard season of winter might finally be coming to an end. If you have actually been reading other articles about the Tigers and not just mine, then shame on you. But, then you'd know that much of the team has been in Lakeland for weeks preparing dilligently for that Southern Florida slaughter.

There's been a nasty rumor going around that the Tigers are in the running for Juan Gonzalez. It's not happening, no way. I'm convinced it's not going to happen because i so much want it to not happen and that should be good enough. If anyone brings it up around me again, be prepared for a man-slap to the face. It's that serious. Also, it sounds like dmitri young is going to take himself and hopefully the Ying Yang Twins whisper song to the Nationals to cause 30,000 people to feel awkward.

With Tiger spring training sort of kicking off tomorrow, I’ve been preparing by listening to healthy dosage of jock jams and bench pressing anything resembles something that might be heavy. Really, nothing really notable has happened in the past couple of weeks, but that will likely change soon. So, just twiddle your thumbs in anticipation until then.

The baseball gods will be here soon enough to rescue us all.

46 days until opening day

I Hate The Florida Southern Moccasins

Do you remember when the world was gripped with macarena fever? No matter what your background was, it was unanimous, the macarena dance was cutting edge and it was fantastic. That summer everyone walked around with a hop in their step knowing that literally at any time their favorite song could play. That summer was electric.

I'm starting to get that feeling again. In 18 days, pitchers and catchers report. That's right, the roaster, Jay-z and vance "danger" wilson will be back. This make me so excited that I started taking steroids just so I can rage with the best of them come opening day. In 30 day's we have our first game. The schedule makers didn't take it easy on us ONCE AGAIN as we start up against the hated moccassin's from Florida Southern again. Top Slugger Nick Diyorio has graduated for the Moc's but the workhorse Dan Albritton returns for his senior season. The Moccasins (#4 pre-season DII) have a relatively young team but head coach Pete Meyer expects the hard work in the off-season to pay off. When I reached Meyer for comment he repeatedly asked how I got his cell phone number and how I knew his wife’s name. He sounded petrified. This match-up with the AL champions really has him unnerved.

Fox Sports is also bringing Christmas early/late this year. They are going to replay in their entirety the 7 straight wins over the New York Kim Jong-Il’s and the Frank Thomas led Oakland A’s. Frank Thomas was a force to be reckoned with in that ALCS. So, check your TV guide channel for viewing details. Usually, it’s channel 16. I’m fairly certain that’s what it will be for you.

Last thing, Sheffield is going to wear #3 for the Tigers. You’d think this would upset me, being that Trammell is one of my favorite Tiger’s of all-time, but it doesn’t. I don’t know why, I feel like this is the trivial BS that usually sets me off. I guess I just don’t have the energy for this right now. Maybe when it’s warmer out, or something. Sheffield said he’s wearing the #3 as tribute to Trammell, yadda yadda yadda, I don’t believe him, but I guess I just don’t care for some reason. Oh well.

63 days until opening day.

Oh, and I apologize for the extremely poor comparison I used at the beginning. I just felt like we hadn't talked about the macarena in a while.

Deep Thoughts

A legendary Tiger from the glory years of my youth

I've been sitting in my 56 degree cubicle of a room repeatedly watching http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYgDjH5buFE&mode=related&search= while slowly rocking back and forth as i progressively slip deeper into lunacy. Even though the Tigers made the World Series, I still am not close to grasping that this actually happened. All of my Tigers memories usually involve guys like C.J. Nitkowski or other stand outs like Kimera Bartee or the Luis Pujols era.

I remember as a kid I went to Cooperstown. I went to the Cooperstown bat manufacturing company. I had an authentic wooden bat made. I kept it in a case and vowed only to let legendary Tigers sign it. At first, I did an admirable job. I think I got Allan Trammell, Mickey Lolich and Kirk Gibson's autographs on it. I was very proud of this bat. That is until that fateful Tigerfest in 1995. Even though I was only 11, I must have been huffing some glue that day or something. Right on the barrel of the bat I got two autographs that day. One was lifetime .260 hitter Chris Gomez and the other was John Doherty who came through with a 5-9 record with a miniscule 5.10 ERA that year. I'm pretty sure I was with my dad at that fateful Tigerfest that took place in Joe Louis Arena. To this day, I hold a little bit of grudge against him for not beating me that day.

This is a happier memory. I'm in 3rd grade, and I'm in latchkey. It's the 2nd game of the season and the Tigers are taking on the Baltimore Orioles. About 20 of us are sitting in centerfield bleachers enjoying this game with about 8,000 other Tiger fans that were scattered throughout Tiger stadium. There was one other group of people in the CF bleachers that day. Luckily for us, they were a group of college students who had probably had one or two too many wine coolers that day. I realize what I'm about to say doesn't sound believable, but I swear it's all true. About halfway through this game it started raining. There was love in the air in this smoggy day in Detroit. These girls treated us to a striptease in the CF bleachers. These were the first bewbs that I will have seen in my life. I know probably that like 3 out of my 5 readers are calling BS on this. The reason the other two aren't, is because they can probably back me up on this. Also, the Tigers won this game in the bottom of the 9th inning. With 1 out and a runner on 3rd they attempted to intentionally walk the batter to set up the DP. The Orioles doofus pitcher threw a wild pitch on an intentional ball allowing the winning run to score. Easily the best day of latchkey in my life. Yes, even better then the day chocolate cake was snack.

Nothing of any importance has happened with the Tigers since the Tigers shook the baseball world to its core with the Mesa signing. I’m seriously debating if hibernation is a feasible option, it’s become that bad.

77 days until opening day.

Extremely Unnecesary 2007 Predictions

Nothing like a holiday season full of clouds and grass to get you so jazzed up for Tiger baseball that if you saw someone walking down the street wearing an AL Central hat other then the Tigers, without hesitation you'd uppercut that poor sap off of the pit into the spikes below. One of the presents I got was a "Detroit Tigers Baseball Champions 2006" shirt from my sick and twisted mother. I can't tell if I did something wrong here, and this is just my mom taking some sick pleasure in watching her son progressively drift into the depths of his own madness. But, I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume that "Baseball Champions" means something different then "World Series Champions." Which, to her credit, there is no doubt that we are indeed the baseball champions.

Well, it's 2007. That was news to me, because, I thought it was already 2k7. I've been playing 2007 videogames since like May, and I don't currently own a calendar nor look at one, ever. So, that means it's time for extremely unnecessary 2007 player by player predictions.

The bellyitchers:
1. Kenny "Dirrrty" Rogers- 4.30 ERA, 14 wins, and will at some point bitch-slap a homeless toddler. But, will be huge for the post-season
2. Justin Verlander-3.85 ERA, 18 wins. For some reason people think it's a given that in the 2nd year a pitcher has to have a down-turn. Since I'm not really basing these predictions on anything, I'll disagree.
3. Bonderman- 3.50 ERA, 22 wins. The year he finally put's it all together. 2nd to Santana in Cy-young, first in the hearts of hillbilly women who swoon after his yokel personality.
4. Robertson- 4.00 ERA, 15 wins. The team actually hit's for him this year and he continues to wear the sexy specs.
5. DR DESTROYER- 3.40 ERA, 12 wins. I see Andrew Miller starting at 5, if not, receiving the majority of the time there. He'll garner much recognition for possible AL ROY and also much recognition for "worst nickname ever."

The magic sticks
1. Granderson- .270, 75 Rbi's, 23 Hr's. Still will not know how to hit a curveball, and I will punch 3 people during the year who tell me they are amazed how "well spoken" Granderson is. 2k8 (2k9 if you are in videogame time) he will break out.
2. Polanco- .285, 55 RBI's, 5 Hr's. His OBP% last year was terrible, and he hits for no power. Which, is probably due to the excess head weight he carries around. This year, he'll be better, but not by much
3. Guillen- .305, 15, 95 Rbi's. Not as strong offensively, but will put up more RBI's then last year with the lineup around him. Still will be a top 3 SS in the league.
4. Sheff- .315, 35 HR's, 120 RBI's. I'm drinking the GaryAde. I think he's going to do big things this year. A top 5 MVP season, and might kill 4 people with foul balls down the LF line
5. Ordonez- .310, 30 HR's, 110 RBI's. Will see much better pitches and be a much better player getting more time at DH. Will cut hair, and female fans will move on to Shelton.
6. Monroe- .280, 30 HR's, 100 RBI's. He'll benefit from seeing better pitches. There was talk we should trade him this off-season. Balderdash. He's literally my favorite belt thief of all-time.
7. Rodriquez- .290, 15, 75 RBI's. Basically the same as last year, unless he starts taking steroids again. Let's just pray that he sacrifices his livelihood for baseball again.
8. Casey- .265, 10 Hr's, 50 RBI's. From the beginning will be talk of taking him out of the lineup. Will then become full-time "good clubhouse guy." Last time I was mad at him, he hit 2 HR's in the World Series. He should probably just play well now.
9. Inge- .260, 25 HR's, 80 RBI's. Will field 30 ball's that no other 3b can field in the league. Will make an errors on 30 ball's that no other 3b in the league would make an error on. Strong power #'s, weak average, OBP. A solid #9 hitter.
10. Neifi Perez- .046, 0 Hr's, 3 Rbi's. He'll amass these stats in 115 games. A part of me will die whenever he takes the field.

What does this all mean? It means I was bored in January. Tough noogies.

POST SCRIPT- Gomez is a Rockie. Not a Tiger anymore.

88 days until opening day.