Tigers sweep 4 game series against AA baseball club

This picture has really nothing at all to do with anything going on at all. I just always thought it would be nice if someone would satisfy one of my boyhood dreams by having dmitri perform in a shakespearean play. Anyways, the "injury bug" has attacked the tigers recently. I’ll tell you, that fuckin' injury bug, every time man.. dmitri suffered what I can believe to be one of the few trips ever to the disabled list primarily just to get "his shit back in order" and patch things up with his 21 year old chicken head GF. Or, just to learn his lines for his performance in macbeth. who knows. Definitely not a strained quad, I can tell you that much.

In an injury that actually affects the team, Mike maroth was placed on the 15 day DL for an inflamed elbow. I was able to watch that first inning of the tigers game yesterday when maroth gave up back to back to back hr's and 6 earned runs while getting one royal out. It’s especially bad when you find out that the power hitting royals have slugged 3 Hr's in one game only one time prior to yesterday. If they match that total in the first inning, then you are pitching like bodussy. You certainly can't accuse the royals of steroids atleast. Losing Maroth is especially more devastating when the expected replacement is jason grilli. grilli is basically the only pitcher on the team who isn't putting up video game type numbers on our staff. I'd prefer Colon to take over the 5th spot, when the day comes when I am manager of the Tigers, I will be able to make those decisions.

The Tigers are 33-14....let that sink in for a minute. With the pistons in the eastern conference finals and the tigers 19 games over .500 in may, I think I must be going to hell. I definitely made a deal with the devil. Totally worth it though, I'll take meaningful baseball over an eternity of damnation without hesitation anytime. The fact the pistons are playing the heat...makes this apparent deal with the devil all the more evident. Honestly, I don't think there is a team I've ever hated more then this heat team. Cakes Walker, Dwayne "I'm going to fall on my ass and get an ass-bruise and act like I just shattered my leg" Wade, ason williams (no J), Alonzo "i almost died of kidney failure, but by the grace of god the raptors signed me and took a chance on me when no team would...but I'm still demanding a trade from those canucks" Mourning, etc. And who can forget the Shaq/ben wallace rap feud after the lakers series? Yeah, that was classic. Shaq laying down dope rhymes that I'd say were comparable to his acting in "Steel" and ben wallace making guest appearances on Skillz' song. Wow, that was some classic stuff there. Especially Riley. yeah, like van gundy really wanted to stop coaching one of the best teams in basketball a handful of games into the season to "spend time with his family." If i were his family...fuck! make that money, man. Nobody needs a stay at home dad when you could be out making millions.

Anyways, I'll probably be sacrificing game 3 of the heat series to go to the tigers/indians game on saturday night. If your there, I won't be hard to find. I'll be the guy enjoying my "diluted" pepsi a little bit too much in right field. I’ll probably also be there Sunday, and 2 of the 4 yankee games and atleast one or two of the bosox series. Should be pretty wild.

go tigers.

you know what first place feels like?... it feels like...like a bag of sand

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy...?

Sparky Anderson said that a baseball team truly can not be judged until the 40 game mark. Well, George is surely doing back flips after the Tigers pulled into the 40 game mark with a COMMANDING one game lead over the black sox and the best record in the MLB.

A lot has happened since my last update. It’s kind of difficult to stay current when you do not have a job and you have to sleep in until 1 pm everyday. Well, the tigers have currently won 7 straight, da-meathook da-beat his da-bitch up, and Zumaya a Marlin? say Whaaaaat?!

Sadly, oft injured DH DY decided that his 21 year old college boo was getting fresh with the meatstick. Did Dmitri Young haveta' choke a bitch?! Apparently, he did, and he's turning himself into the police on monday. Hitting a paltry .192 with 0 HR's thus far and now a domestic violence arrest this might be enough to signal an end to DY's career in Deetwah. No home runs for dmitri this year, instead its been more like hoe, run! after he polishes off a case of zimas. I've always tried to like Young, this first started off when my sister reported to me that he "tips incredibly well" at my uncles bar 5th avenue in Comerica Park. I even did get a kick out him attempting to field a baseball in the field, even if his fielding skills are comparable to a mentally challenged 7th grader. Also, his at-bat music of the ying-yang twins was a family delight! He chose "wait (the whisper song)" who's chorus consists of "Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick, Imma beat dat pussy up." if my face wasn't already botoxed to death, then a steady flow of tears would flow down my face.

Through some fortunate Pedro Cerrano voodoo curse, the Tigers currently have without a doubt the best pitching staff in baseball. Honestly, I can't explain this. We have an old man with anger issues, 2 pitchers who lost a combined 40 games a couple years ago, an underachieving lefty and a green rook. How this somehow equals a team ERA of 3.13 almost 1 full run over the 2nd best team in the AL is simply enough to almost have me suffer a brain aneurysm. We have given up 20 runs less then the 2nd best team in baseball. When I saw this stat, I was momentarily paralyzed from the waist down. And Jay-Z (zumaya) is one of the most dominating relievers in all of baseball.

Recent rumors have said that the marlins might be interested in trading dontrelle willis for zumaya. Honestly, this has given me an intense headache the last 36 hours. Zumaya looks as if he might be a lights-out closer for the next 10 years, while willis is already a cy young caliber lefty who's only 24, but who has a delivery who might make him susceptible to an arm injury. I imagine we'd also have to give up another mid-range prospect probably like a jordan tata or something. I think I developed an ulcer trying to analyze this trade. It really is way to tough to think about, and I hope it just goes away before I develop some other dehabilitating illness as a result of this.

Also, when you suckers were watching the pistons fart away our playoff chances in game 5, I was mostly watching Verlander vs. Santana. Honestly, this was probably one of the best games I've seen in years. Two pitchers who were just dominant until... hell froze over and monkeys flew out of wayne campbell's ass. Vance Wilson hit a 2-run HR in the bottom of the 8th inning leading us to a 2-0 victory. I was a witness alright, Vance Wilson won a game for us.

Tigers play the Reds in interleague baseball this weekend. I'll probably be thurr saturday night, and possibly sunday depending on if the Pistons want to do the equivalent of slapping an elderly woman in the face and beating up a group of kittens and lose in the 2nd round to the Cavaliers. I'm a high roller... I drive a Cavalier. If the pistons lose to the Cavaliers I think I am going to egg the fuck out of my car and beat it senseless with my bloody fists. I Guaransheed this.

The worst thing in the history of sport

No, not steroids, but Craig Monroe taking a pitch right below the belt (PUN INTENDED). I remember watching this game last year and literally being uncomfortable for the next couple of days. Monroe was quoted later on saying that he "doesn't wear a cup because he plays in the outfield." Wow. How he wasn't on the disabled list for the rest of the season is simply the most remarkable achievement in toughness in sports history. yes, Willis Reed and Mateen Cleaves showed incredible toughness coming back and guiding their teams to championships and Kirk Gibson showed incredible grit to overcome basically two worthless legs to hit the game winning Hr against Eckersley...but, they weren't hit by a baseball traveling at an incredible speed in the crotcial region. You really think Gibson would've been able to hit Eckersley after taking one in the groin? hell no, strike 3! That is why Craig Monroe will forever go down in Tigers lore as one of the toughest SOB's in the history of sports.

This really has no relation to how the Tigers season has gone so far. Currently, we are 22-13 and are taking our nerf Crotch bats (snl reference) to the rest of the american league. The Black Sox are still 1.5 games up, with a measly 117 games to play. In my obviously unbiased opinion, we are a virtual lock for the AL central title.

Also, Zumaya hitting Chris Gomez with a 100 mph fast ball in the hand produced about the most grotesque sound I've ever heard. Gomez, as you remember was a Tiger legend playing for us the glory days in the early to mid 90's. Incredibly, he still stayed in the game even though it was obvious from just listening to it that his hand was mangled and broken. He's on the disabled list for a couple of months.

Right now, I'm planning on going to the entire Twins series tue-thurs at copa. Don't be a stranger; buy your #1 source for Detroit Tigers info a $8.50 beer if you happen to be there also.

33-1....and TWINS!!

Once again, the Tigers tracked their prey, pounced on them and ripped apart their chest leaking their bloody organs and insides exposed for other Tigers to gnaw and rip apart and enjoy a filling meal. This time, their target was Twins. Not actual twins, but rather the entire state of Minnesota. Call in FEMA, because this disaster is going to take a while to recover from.

The Tigers broomed the Twins in a most convincing fasion. They won game one by a 3 fieldgoals 9-0. Game two was decided by Justin Verlander kicking 6 straight field goals and only giving up a PAT to win 18-1. And the "gambler" recorded 3 seperate safties sacking QB Ron Gardenhire to win 6-0. This all adds up to a 33-1 noogie and wedgie-fest laugher in favor of the tigers.

If this wasn't a clear enough definition of what happened this weekend at copa, try this metaphor instead. Take the Mighty Ducks trilogy, and you can use the games against their rivals before they ceremoniously changed their name back to the Ducks for the rematch. For instance the District 5 team, TEAM USA and finally the Eden Hall Warriors JV team. The Twins play the part of the "lost Ducks" and the Tigers are the Hawks, Team Iceland and Eden Hall varsity. Game 1 was like TEAM USA vs. Iceland in the first game. The Tigers brute strength was too much to overcome in a 9-0 statement game. Game 2, was like District 5 vs. the hawks. Winning 18-1 and literally making a red-faced Gardenhire question his teams "cahones." Game 3, was Eden Hall JV vs. Eden Hall varsity. Even though JV squad might of had past success, they were still weaklings compared to the stronger and more attractive Varsity squad. This weekend, the Tigers really emphasized that the twins were just JV bitches compared to the Tigers.

Next, the kansas shitty royals come to town bringing in Runelvys Hernandez for the opener. It is also pathetic that I am able to spell "runelvys" correctly just because of the sheer hatred I have for this fuckbag. If you remember, he is the d'bag who drilled Guillen in the head and then talked shit starting a bench clearing brawl. Luckily Farnsworth was able to execute a flawless form tackle on a unsuspecting royal in this fight. go tigers, beat kansas. All they are is dust in the wind.

the next Chris Shelton: Cameron Maybin

I spent much of my afternoon watching Revenge of the Nerds 3 today. A pathetic movie, but I lasted as much as a I could until Booger graced the screen and I felt somewhat vindicated that I lasted long enough to see arguably the most successful Berkley High School Alum of all time in action. This really has nothing at all to do with Cameron Maybin at all; I just like to talk about Booger every chance I get. But those lovable nerds always seem to be right and just in their cause. Baseball writers are pretty much the biggest nerds of them all, and they would all make fine Lamda Lamda Lamda's. Anyways, these honorary Tri-Lambs have basically annointed Maybin as being a mixture of "Ken Griffey Jr. and Darryl Strawberry....but better defensively then those two" and also being a very mature "18 year old"....whatever that means. Also, they meant Darryl Strawberry in a good way....not the coked out way. I'll be very disappointed with the Tigers if they drafted an 18 year old coke addict.

I'm always kind of suspect when I find out the Tigers drafted a high school player in the draft. I read Moneyball, and that basically made me think that Billy Beane was literally the smartest person ever to have existed in the history of the human species. So, I was sort of upset with this pick at first. Then I started reading various articles about him, and that if it wasn't for justin upton (the #1 pick) he would have been one of the top high school position players in recent history. Also, this is what sold me. The Motherfucker has the major league baseball logo tattooed on his left shoulder and on his right shoulder he has a" crucifix with a baseball in the middle." I totally dig his religious beliefs.

Right now, Granderson is our CFer...but the Tigers have all intentions of having Maybin be the future CFer for the next decade or so. If everything goes perfectly, the Tigers outfield for 2008 will probably be Bret Clevlen in LF (another super-duper prospect), Maybin in CF, and Granderon taking over RF with at that time wrinkly old man Magglio taking over DH. This is nice, because all of the recent sucking is starting to pay off with good draft picks. I mean, Verlander and Zumaya are carving up major league hitters right now and they are both rookies. Verlander faced King Felix, also one of the best current prospects, and outpitched him yesterday in a great game. Verlander reached 100 MPH multiple times and topped out at 101 and keeps hitters off balance with an insane curve ball that usually is around 80 MPH. If he ever successfully develops a 3rd pitch, he'll be nuts.

Anyways, the Tigers are 12-7 and currently in 1st place for the wild card. Unfortunately, there are still 143 games to play, but for whatever reason the Tigers are 10-2 on the road right now. That literally makes no sense, but they start a series on the road against the Angels tonight. Not even Tony Danza (with an angel, not a bullshit fake one) can stop the Tigers march to a 130 win season.

Old man forgets to take meds, becomes irritable and gassy

“Well, we just a lackluster, the whole ball of wax was lackluster just not good enough”
-Jim Leyland, 4-17-06

This literally is one of my favorite quotes of all-time. If I could go back in time, this would have been my senior quote, instead of the lame one I used from Mighty Ducks 2 instead. "whole ball of wax" is without a doubt going to become an integral part of my vocabulary. "Brady, its 5 pm, why haven't you gotten out of bed?" My reply, "the whole ball of wax, just a lackluster", and then I'd mumble something incoherently and chug the nearest bottle of pepto bismol.

This cute little tirade has made most Tiger fans happy, and has shown that he won't accept the same old same-old. This apparently is something that Trammel lacked, or something. People point to Leyland's WS ring and say "by golly, this geezer is a genius," but somehow ignore Trammel's ring. In the last week or so, I've read countless articles claiming the Tigers finally "got one right in Leyland." Cute journalism, but I'll wait more then 2 weeks to make bold claims like that. I mean, Phil Garner didn't exactly fit in with Detroit, and holy balls! He's in the World Series with the Astros. The fucking Astro's!

First off, I am by no means saying that Leyland is a bad manager. Way too early to tell, obviously. At 7-6, this is pretty much where I thought we'd be right now. But, this is before I knew that Jesus Christ would resurrect in the form of an overweight, red-headed 1st basemen. "Are you saying Jesus can't hit a curveball?" No, jesus can hit any pitch you throw at him right now. Currently, Shelton is leading in all triple crown categories in the AL, and currently has hit for 62 total bases this year. 62 total bases is a lot, but it’s absolutely crazy when Albert Pujols is the 2nd in total bases at 45.

The fact that Shelton is hitting 6th in this lineup is an absolute joke. Chris(t) batting 6th and the monstar's from space jam keep me awake at night and haunt my dreams. Shelton has 17 RBI's right now, which is absolutely batshit insane if you look at the rest of his stats. How a guy who is hitting .471 with 9 HR's, 5 doubles, 3 triples and a slugging % of 1,216 and has only 17 Rbi's is just unbelievable. Unfortunately, this is what happens when you have the best hitter in baseball at the moment hitting 6th with such "legendary" sluggers like Gomez, Thames, Infante and Young hitting in front of him. Obviously, shelton isn't going to hit .500 this season, he'll realistically probably only hit .430 or something, but the fact that we aren't capitalizing on this babe ruthian statistical mindfuck is incomprehensible. The crazy thing is, if we had actually good hitters hitting around him, such as pudge, ordonez, polanco, his stats would be probably even gaudier. Also, superstition doesn't work in baseball. Leyland better start coaching instead of relying on superstition to manage this team.

The Tigers are going going back back to cali cali for a series with the A's right now. I'm kind of frustrated with this team right now, so a nice 30-40 game winning streak would put me at ease here. Also, here's the audio from leylands "tirade."

http://www.mlive.com/tigers/audio/index.ssf?/tigers/audio/audio06.html

Also, if you missed JIM ROME IS BURNING on espn today, then you missed a “phenomenal” show. It was “epic.” And like 3 people probably just got the jokes I just made. But, to get back to the show, ROME was spitting the truth (like he always does) about Shelton. The headline of his rant on Shelton was “passion of the chris.” My loyal readers obviously remember my “epic” rant to my “clones” on april 9, 2006 where I anoint him as this. So, Romey, since your obviously a loyal reader of my tigers blog, you better start bringing it stronger on your show and stop copying this blog. Bring it rome, Brady,“OUT!”

With that, I'll leave you with this.

"Here he comes, from the frozen north
Big Red!

A mighty man from the land of Thor
Big Red!
Big Red!

You pour in the goop
In the helmet thing
But you better watch out
When you pull the string!
Big Red!
Big Red!
Big Red!

He's big, big, big!
And he's red, red, red!
And that's how he got
to earn the name Big Red!
Big Red!
Big Red!"

Bring da motherfuckin ruckus, Cleveland

You’d think I’d be upset after the Tigers got swept by Chicago. If you thought this, then you are right. Good job. Anyways, the Tigers slipped to 5-4 on the season with a measly 153 games yet to be played. A massive series with Cleveland looms this weekend for the Tigers.

Opening day was simply charming. It is always a delight to see the Ferris wheel in heavy rotation and the stupid fountain fireworks spraying water all over center field for the first time all season. On the plus side, I almost got smoked by a dmitri young HR in batting practice. That would have been messy and very injury-ey.

Basically, the only positive that came out of the series with Chicago is that the stormin’ mormon is still on pace for 126 HR’s this year. I have absolutely no idea why Omar Infante played DH the other day. That certainly was Leyland’s first sign that he might be going senile. Anyways, I’m putting that series behind me. I’m squarely focused on Cleveland. I have a good feeling about this series, not really sure why. Maybe it’s because I’ve been listening to george clinton for the last 4 hours, but who knows.

Peanut butter jelly and dmitri young with a baseball bat

The Passion of the Chris(t) Shelton

I'm not a religious man, but after this first week of excellence I might need to do some serious soul-searching. I'm pretty sure god came to me in my dreams one night and the only thing I can remember is his beautiful flowing red locks of hair... The Tigers are 5-1 right now, at this rate we are only on pace for a 135 win season. Settling for just 135 wins is a loser’s mentality. Yes, that would break the MLB record for all-time wins, but I'm planning on us breaking many MLB records this year. I don't want us to put up just good #'s....I want the Tigers to put up videogame numbers. Videogame numbers are a magical type of achievement. In the video game universe, it is not out of the realm of possibility to hit 100 Hr's in a season, win 150 games, and have a starting pitcher go undefeated throughout the season. For example, I just hooked up my super nintendo and started a season with the 1994 detroit tigers in ken griffey jr. baseball. After 68 games, my record is 64-4. 5 out of 9 hitters are hitting above .400, and Cecil Fielder is hitting .462 with 33 HR's. Mike Moore, Bill Gullickson and David Wells are still undefeated with an ERA around 1.00. The most incredible stat of them all though, is Mike Hennemen is still yet to blow a save!

The other night the Tigers hit 6 Hr's off of some fool named R.A. Dickey in 4 innings. I'm pretty sure the R.A. stands for wRetchedly Assy. I know, that wasn't fair, but the 'w' is silent, so that’s just not fair in itself. I know the Royals and Rangers aren’t exactly known as baseball squadrons to fear, but going 5-1 isn’t anything to sneeze at. Also, every time we beat texas in anything, it somehow makes me feel like my political stance is validated. When the spurs beat the pistons last year, I was almost ready to concede that the Iraq War was fought on just means, and that the no-child left behind act literally left no child behind. Needless to say, it is pretty fucking wild what a Robert horry jump shot can do to your mental psyche.

Anyways, going in the game earlier today against Texass, Jesus Chris superstar was leading the AL in all triple crown categories, and child prodigy’s Joel Zumaya and Justin Verlander are tied in ERA at 0.00. Now, e’rybody gettin’ tipsy on that Detroit Tigers Kool-aid, oh yeah!!!!

In one of my earlier “classic” blog entries I said “$MoneyBags$ right now is our starting 1B for next year and for us to even have a chance of winning the World Series, its my opinion that he must hit at least .480 with 80 Hr's and 220 Rbi's and an OBP of at least .800.” Right now, he’s on pace to hit .583 with 135 Hr’s and 216 Rbi’s. Now, that is a dead on motherblogging prediction.

Home opener is tomorrow against Chicago. If your from Detroit, then you already know…you hate Chicago. You hate the bulls, bears, white-sox, blackhawks, etc. If you ever cheer for them, you are out. You’re banned from Michigan. This can be enforced, I know a great deportation guy, he’ll take care of you, and you will be dragged to Toledo or thrown into the nearest great lake.

Alright, I’ll be thur at Comerica tomorrow for the game. The home opener to me is the equivalent of Christmas morning, Halloween and flag day all combined. Its that neat, really. Jeremy Bonderman is going to be Henry Rowengartneresque in the way he puts down those dillholes from Chicago tomorrow. Tigers win 6-1 tomorrow, which will not also be their record by 4:15 pm on Monday.

Tigers Sweep Royals....160 games to go for perfect season

After the Tigers 2 game series against the Royals, the Tigers are as expected in first place alone in the AL Central.

If the tigers continue at this pace, which I'm sure they will, we might see some face melting stats.....here are some examples!

slim rodriguez..... .625 Avg. 82 Hr's 405 Rbi's 243 doubles
The Red Bull....... . 667 avg. 162 Hr's 162 Rbi's 1053 total bases
your 2004 all-star... .375 avg. 162 Hr's 243 Rbi's

BONDERMAN.....32-0 1.35 era. 259 K's 0 BB's
Gambler..........32-0 1.5 Era. 162 K's 0 BB's
Zumaya...... 0.00 Era and every other batter is a strikeout.

also, the Tigers are on pace to score 1377 runs, 1296 Hr's while giving up only 324 runs and giving up 81 Hr's.

Next up, the Tigers head to Texas to sweep the Rangers and personally give out wedgies and noogies to every stupid member of that baseball team. Hopefully, the Bengal belters will have enough time to tour the basement of the alamo while they are in texas before they head back to detroit for the home opener.

Yours truly will be the home opener because I’m skipping school to go watch baseball instead. I know what you’re thinking..."Brady, I saw those commercials! A mind is a terrible thing to waste! Egads!" Don't worry, I'm really smrt. I are spending to much tyme in skool anywaise.

Plus, I'm planning on foregoing my senior year of college in order to enter my name into the MLB draft. Hasta La vista el bloggo

Opening Day Haiku

Tomorrow, the Tigers begin their quest for a world championship. The hated Kansas Shitty royals are the first of many victims on a summer-long slaughter fest with a baseball bat. "Fireballer" Kenny Rogers toes the mound for the Tigers against Scott Elarton. In my excitement, I composed a haiku to express how I feel.

Its opening day
Tigers slay Central Rivals
Royals first victim

Obviously, I'm a supremely talented poet... Anyways, Zack Greinke the young talented pitcher for the Royals would most likely be their opening day starter, but during spring training he left for "personal reasons." In recent interviews such gems about Greinke’s off the field issues have been revealed. Here is a quote from http://www.deadspin.com/sports/baseball/whats-going-on-with-zack-greinke-157692.php...

"An interview with Zack Greinke brings up serious questions about that whole “intellect” thing. When asked if he could have dinner with any famous person, dead or alive, he says, “Brad Pitt.” He also punched his car when he found out Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and cried himself to sleep. Seriously."

Wow, I try to maintain some level of class on this blog and not make fun of personal issues...but wow. I am sincerely cheering for Greinke to make a comeback...completely just so I can heckle the fuck out him and make a millionaire grown man cry.

In sad news, "grizzled" veteran Todd Jones is injured and was placed on the 15 day DL. Amazingly, he’s the only Tiger regular who isn’t ready to start the season.

Unfortunately, I have 2 exams tomorrow. I’ll miss the majority of the game, but I should be back in time to watch the Tigers humiliate the Royals physically and mentally on the way to a 162-0 dream season.

Karlos kan't make the klub

In a not so surprising move, the Tigers unconditionally released perennial under-achiever KKKKarlos Pena. If you remember, we acquired him in the Weaver trade along with Bonderman and German. At that time, Pena looked like our best prospect. Unfortunately, he schlubbed it up for the 3.5 seasons he spent as a tiger. He never hit above .253 and he was extremely strike-out prone. In my opinion, Pena suffered from an extreme case of eric munsonitis. This extremely crippling disease causes players with incredible potential to consistently be one of the least effective players on our team, but then out of the blue they will just start hitting 440 foot Hr's with really no problem. It’s frustrating, to say the least.

Releasing painya now saves the Tigers a little over 2.1 million of the 2.8 million we were due to owe him this year. So, that’s nice for the Illitch's I guess. The tigers probably tried their hardest to trade karlos, but no team would bite. This move possibly might mean that 'mighty' marcus thames will get a shot with the squad this year or even the wild-card Rrrrramon Santiago (roll your R's) might make the team as a utility INF.

8 days until opening day.... What, what, say what, say what, anything can happen.

Only 240 hours until opening day

Zumaya to the left of me! Verlander to the right of me!

Today, the Tigers lost by a touchdown (pat good) and a field goal to our hated rivals from the southwest... yep, you guessed it, the Houston Astro's. Usually a 13-3 loss really dampens my mood, but not this time, we'll get our revenge in the World Series.

Yesterday was actually one of the most important days in recent Tiger history. Not only did the Tigers win a Grapefruit league thriller in extra innings over the Phillies, but two of the best pitching prospects the Tigers have had in my entire existence took the mound and secured spots on the major league roster. I'd say probably me and like 30 other geeks are the only ones that actually were aware of this, but this is huge nonetheless. I'm pretty sure not many other people were using the internet on their phones during class to check how zumaya and verlander pitched in spring training. Anyways, after the game Verlander was named our 5th starter and Zumaya will start the season out of the bull pen.

Before spring training, I did not think that Verlander or Zumaya would make the team. But apparently when your stiffest competition is a guy named Colon, I should not of underestimated them. Zumaya and Verlander won these spots on the team, they were the most deserving.

I bet you, one of my 8 or so loyal readers are asking yourself if I have ever seen these guys pitch? Well, my gentle souls, I can tell you I have, and thus I consider myself somewhat coherent when it comes to this. I actually went to the futures game during the all-star break just to watch these two pitch. Unfortunately, when you are 20 years and 10 months old, they don't round up. So, me and one of my buddies downed as much cheap whiskey in the parking lot, leading to us missing the first couple of innings. Verlander started, we missed it because we were taking shots of "Ten High" whiskey. Wow, that was stupid. But we did see Zumaya pitch, and he turned in a very steve nebraska-esque performance. At least, thats how the drunk me remembers it. And to be fair to me, I had to watch the celebrity softball classic right after the futures game, so it wouldn't of been acceptable to be sober while watching Jon Lovitz play softball against Bo Jackson and SI swimsuit models. Also, DETROITS OWN Uncle Kracker was the mid-game entertainment.

Later I was in attendence for one of Verlander's rare major league starts last year. At that time, he was very raw, but definitely had a ton of potential. His fastball reaches the upper 90's and his curve ball can become a devastating pitch if he is able to mix up his pitches well. I believe the Tigers lost that game like 4-1 and it was late august. By that time, we had already given up on the season so the score really doesn't matter. Verlander is ranked as one of the top 10 prospects in all of baseball.

Also, in case the caption to the picture was confusing. You were supposed to sing it, and then fill in the rest of the dylan lyrics after that. Hopefully for my hearts sake, Zumaya and Verlander aren't clowns and/or jokers this year, LOL. Hopefully Verlander can go all Josh Beckett on the MLB's ass this year, and we'll have a plus .500 record.

G-Diddy or Nook Daddy?

Ever since Dirty Sanchez left Detroit and its spacious CF position, the Tigers have been struggling to find a replacement. In Sanchez, the tigers would need to replace a lead-off hitter who has no eye and can't field or throw for shit. So those were very small shoes that needed to be filled. You could even say baby shoes. But unfortunately, Craig Monroe was our best option last year in CF. He played admirably defensively learning the position as the year progressed, but it became obvious he fits in best as a corner outfielder.

Nook Logan, whose real name is Exavier Prente Logan....no lie, was given the first chance to impress in CF. Logan’s strength is he runs like a cheetah, and his weakness is he swings the bat like a cheetah. Logan is easily one of the fastest players in the MLB, and this is 100% why he is in the major leagues. Basically, his goal is to hit a squibber to 1st basemen, and miraculously beat the 1st basemen to 1st base. This sounds kind of impossible, but he does it routinely. At first, Logan was getting the job done. He was causing lots of problems for the defense and stole bases at a high percentage. Unfortunately, the other teams had a pulse. They started to play him extremely shallow and throw him some curve balls. His average plummeted.

Next to get the chance was Wunderkid Curtis Granderson. He doesn’t possess the speed that Logan has, but he’s no slouch. He actually can swing a bat, and hit the ball out of the infield. His main weakness might be the # of Strikeouts he racks up. Granderson was a very steady and reliable player for the Tigers in the last month or so of the season. He was easily the most consistent option and the power he brought to the plate was a welcome addition.

Going into spring training, it was obvious the competition was between Granderson and Logan for the opening day spot on in CF. So far, the competition has been extremely lopsided. Logan is eating a shit-sandwich at the plate batting .156 with a .229 OBP with 5 steals and a tumor inducing .156 slugging %. Granderson on the other hand, is the mack-daddy extraordinaire. He’s batting .423 with a .571 OBP with 5 steals and a tumor curing .885 slugging %. Both have played in 9 games thus far in spring training.

It seems fairly obvious now that Granderson will start in CF opening day. Logan’s speed is an incredible asset, no doubt, but it is useless if you can’t hit the ball. I know it has only been 9 games, but a .156 average is terrible when you are supposed to be trying to impress the most. Logan will most likely make the team as the 4th outfielder. For the Tigers, that’s an extremely important position. Magglio will be hurt sometime this year, that’s fairly obvious, and the 4th outfielder will get lots of AB’s and time to impress. Also, Logan will serve as a great pinch-runner and a very good late inning defensive replacement.

The Tigers play the Yankees and the Nationals tomorrow. I predict a double-mercy for the tigers tomorrow. The Tigers are 10-6 right now 1 game behind the Fla. Marlins for the prestigious Grapefruit league crown. Oh, and 18 days until opening day.

pre NAP-TOWN tigers update

Sadly, the catcher in this picture was literally ripped in half seconds after this picture was taken. The unbelievable impact caused his upper body to land a good 5 rows up in the crowd and registered a 6.3 on the Richter scale. His lower body literally evaporated. Don't ask me to explain how a lower body can evaporate, just know that the impact between meathook and #17 was comparable to 5 nuclear bombs going off inside #17's chest. Dmitri then picked up the severed head, autographed its forehead, and gave it to a youngster who will cherish this severed skull for eternity. Don't expect that priceless gem to end up on EBAY.

Unfortunately though, Dmitri hurt his leg in intense early march Spring training baseball action. Hopefully, he doesn't wang-tang around and he's ready to go opening day.

The Tigers are a respectable 5-2 right now. This is good for being 1 game back for the best record in baseball right now. The Butt-pirates have the best record right now and are 6-1, with their only "L" coming to los Tigres.

Alright, well my SPF 45 is packed and I'm off to beautiful Indianapolis for some big-ten basketball action. Take it easy, you sarcastic jokester freakazoids.

TIGERS ARE FUCKING UNDEFEATED

PENNANT FEVER IS RUNNING RAMPANT IN EAST LANSING/LAKELAND FLORIDA. THE CHAMPAGNE IS ON ICE. THE TIGERS ARE FUCKING 2-0 AFTER BLOWING OUT THE MOCCA-SUCKS FROM FLORIDA SOUTHERN 4-3, AND THEN IMMEDIATELY DROPPIN' SERIOUS ELBOWS ON THE RED'S 8-5 THE NEXT DAY.

Slim Rodriguez led off the game against the Red's with a dinger to RF and then went 3-3 on the day...hopefully, this means he has decided to sacrifice his testicles in getting back on steroids in order to help the sqaud. Nasty Nate Robertson pitched 2 shutout innings with 3 strikeouts. I imagine he'll keep up that 10.5 Strikeout per game average.

Also, as I type this the Tigers are up 8-4 in the 3rd inning against the hated Reds. It was 2-2 in the 2nd inning. I can only assume Nook logan, Carlos PAINYA, Meathook, Magglio, Polanco and Kevin Hooper hit the first ever back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back HR's in baseball history. And those 2 runs that Maroth gave up? Those were pity runs. Everyone knows the Reds are simply inferior...no need to rub it in their faces.


This will get you butt-pysched for baseball season. Here's Ernie Harwell.
http://www.msu.edu/~drozepat/today/Ernie%20Harwell's%20-%20Last%20vice%20of%20the%20turtle.mp3

"...AND THE THE VOICE OF THE TURTLE IS HEARD IN OUR LAND"

don't ask me to try to explain the voice of the turtle. I can only imagine its some kind of chirping, kind of pussy noise. I mean, its a fucking turtle, its not going to growl or roar or anything. And also, don't ask me to explain how a turtles voice symbolizes spring and baseball. It just does, Ernie's always right, and if you think differently, well your a fucking travesty to the human race.

go tigers