Change I Can Believe In: 2009 Detroit Tigers

The 2008 Detroit Tigers finished in fifth best place in the American League Central Division, receiving the brown ribbon of sorrow for their effort. The Detroit Tigers were like Crystal Clear Pepsi. When it came down to it, this team had no pop, no fizz, no great taste. I think I'm actually convinced the 2008 Detroit Tigers made me dumber.

SEASON STARTS IN 6 MONTHS. CHANGE.

SS/3B

Brandon Inge will be the 3^rd basemen again. Management, apparently impressed with Inge’s .205 avg. and 11 shitbombs will move Guillen to LF. Apparently, Tigers management is willing to overlook this as long as Inge continues to wear his socks high. 

The only way I can justify Inge being on the field is if he our SS. With Renteria likely to be cut loose, even though he did just predict a 2009 WS title here, this leaves us with our biggest hole in our most important defensive position.

Catcher and SS, two positions where I am willing to allow you to hit your weight without me getting hysterical about it. Inge has great range, a great arm, played SS in college, and he also has high socks. At SS, he would have more opportunities for plays and his plus defense would allow more opportunities justifying his existence as a professional athlete.  Keep Guillen at 3rd, he was good there.

C

Dusty Ryan. Sure, He’ll hit .225, but, that’s about .150 better then I’d imagine Dane Sardinha would hit if he was there every day. I think Vance Wilson might be deceased, so, he’s not a viable option 

LF

Jim Leyland loves Marcus Thames. He says that every year, and he rewards his love for him by not playing him. Next year, I hope he’ll platoon with Matt Joyce.

 DH

Gary Sheffield was the cherry on top of this turd cake of a year. He decided he’d bitch about everything, suck at hitting, get paid a lot, and by all accounts just be a douche. BUT, he is swearing revenge on Carmona. Gary is good when mad. So, feel free to boo him and hit him with pitches, it’s for the good of the team. Also, we aren’t going to pay a guy with 499 HR’s to go away, so we are stuck with him. And he might literally murder one of our rivals best young pitchers. I support that.

My batting order

1. Granderson CF
2. Ordonez RF
3. Cabrera 1B
4. Polanco 2B
5. Guillen 3B
6. Sheffield DH
7. Thames/Joyce LF
8. Ryan C
9. Inge SS

I’ll talk more about this later.

188 days until opening day

http://s274.photobucket.com/albums/jj274/scollins243/?action=view&current=Movie.flv

Parallels Between Mighty Ducks 2 And The 2008 Detroit Tigers

(This is an actual t-shirt, you can buy through Grilli himself)

Like most things in life, I can draw direct parallels between one event, and Mighty Ducks 2. The 2008 Detroit Tigers are no exception.

1. THE TIGERS ACQUIRE NEW TALENT. Edgar Renteria, Dontrelle Willis, Miguel Cabrera, Jaque Jones, Denny Bautista.

MIGHTY DUCKS ACQUIRE NEW TALENT. Julie "the cat" Gaffney, Dean Portman, Luis Mendoza, Russ Tyler, Dwayne Robertson and of course Olympic gold figure skater Ken Wu.

Jacque Jones has had a very Ken Wu like season so far.

2. DETROIT TIGERS picked to win world series by Sports illustrated.

MIGHTY DUCKS FAVORITE FOR PRESTIGIOUS JUNIOR GOODWILL GAMES GOLD MEDAL.

Tigers sell record number of season tickets, some question if it's the greatest offense in Detroit history.

Mighty Ducks for some ungodly reason put on cover of Wheaties cereal. Hendrix, their chief sponsor, promises a future of action figures featuring the players.

3. TIGERS BUY INTO OWN HYPE. After starting strong against D2 (GET IT!) Fla. Southern, they coast through spring training with an unimpressive 15-14 record

MIGHTY DUCKS GET COCKY. They beat Trinidad to start off the tournament. Bombay starts attending posh L.A. parties with Kareem Abdul jabar and Wayne Gretzky and dreams of the day that the "Air-Bombay coaching loafer" is sold in stores.

Coach Bombay: Haven't you guys been training in the off-season?
Lester Averman: You know, I knew we forgot something.

In this case, the Trinidadian Junior hockey team is the equivalent to the Fla. souther Moccasins. Tigers beat moccasins 17-4, Team Trinidad goes down 12-1.

Also, the story of Team Trinidad being one of the top Junior hockey teams in the nation is something that is completely overlooked. I mean, I think Canada didn't even make the field. This, and Connie Moreau scoring the first goal against Iceland in the Championship kind of puts the Miracle on Ice game to shame.

4. TIGERS SUFFER HUMILIATING DEFEAT, LOSING TO CHI SOX 11-0

After the game, Leyland tears into the team like only a 145 year old man can and calls out much of the team. Ozzie Guillen, former MLB turd takes great pleasure in beating his rivals.

TEAM USA DOWNED BY TEAM ICELAND 12-1. Led by phenom and ex-city guys star Gunnar Stahl, Team Iceland dominates and embarrasses Team USA. EX NHL goon Wolf "the dentist" Stansson's team overmatches Bombay's squad. Bombay responds with emergence of his alter ego, captain blood, and makes them skate until they aren't HAVING FUN ANYMORE.

5. INJURIES TAKE A TOLL ON TIGERS. Along with numerous other injuries, Granderson starts off the season on the DL with a broken finger. Granderson is the definition of a 5 tool player. And, I mean tool in a good way this time.

ADAM BANKS INJURED. After watching this movie a couple hundred times, i'm convinced Bank's AKA cake eater is the only one with actual hockey talent on the team. All other players have one gimmick move such as skating fast (Luis), slap shot (Fulton), knuckle puck (Russ), Cowboyism (Dwayne), being a whiny bitch (Charlie), etc. Anyways, Banks hurts his wrist after a vicious slash. "2 Minutes?! Vell Vorth it."

Anyways, word is that Granderson took BP today relatively pain free and could play very soon. Banksy wakes up one day and the pain is gone. Crazy, right?

I am eagerly awaiting the Detroit Tigers real life similarity of the street puck game played on the mean streets of Los Angeles. It will probably involve wiffle ball and Clete Thomas beating the piss out of a 9 year old in the suburbs of Detroit after a dispute over if his ball completely cleared the tree for a HR, or simply landed in the tree, thus making it a live ball.
"eating ice cream with the enemy, huh, coach?"

The Tigers have had two great comeback wins against Minnesota (THE IRONY!). I've had the great pleasure of following these games through MLB gameday because Comcast likes to defecate on my soul as often as possible. So, things could start to turn around, and hopefully like D2 ends we will have the Tigers sitting around a campfire as Jason Grilli strums "we are the champions" and Leyland leads the team in a celebratory romp.

Oh, and if you haven't seen Mighty Ducks 2, I apologize for this mess of words. Just for you, and only you, here is Joel Zumaya drinking directly out of keg.

February Baseball

Today is the eve of the Tigers biggest game of the year that does not count and is played against a college team, the Florida Southern Moccasins. Or, as I sometimes call them, Florida Suckern! See what I did there? Now, it's your duty to listen to this. Hah, duty.

http://www.eharwell.com/turtle.wma

(just make sure to yell 2008 really loud at the end)

Todd Jones toes the mound to start off the pretend season. He might go for the complete game, or he might leave in the 2nd inning because we have 6 others already scheduled to pitch. We will see.

Obviously the big off season acquisition everyone is talking about is that Matt Mantei is a Tiger. Recovering from many catastrophic injuries, such as shark bite and a very nasty case of dirt in the eye, he is hopefully a piece of the bullpen that will not ultimately defecate on our souls when it really matters. Brandon Inge stood in the batters box and watched Mantei's stuff up close. Inge described his stuff as "nasty." Since we know Brandon Inge has a rich history of consistent hitting and not striking out, we know complements such as this are rare coming from him.

We also have Denny Bautista. I misread the article that I read when we signed him, and had a minor spaz attack thinking we signed Danny Bautista, the ROCK of the mid 90's Detroit Tigers outfielding core.I also read that Denny Bautista this off season was featuring a 98 MPH fastball and a "knee buckling curve." If we are lucky, he can maybe be as effective as Al Levine.

The Tigers also aqcuired Miguel Cabrera, Dontrelle Willis and Edgar Renteria. We also traded Cameron Maybin, Andrew Miller. So, pretty lame for an off season. Joel Zumaya was also injured when he crashed his motor bike when he was distracted while holding a guitar hero guitar into his flaming house in San Diego as God attempted to smite California. Fernando Rodney also has a bum shoulder right now. But, we our going to win every game 14-10 anyways, so who needs relievers.

Detroits/FlaSoMoc scheduled for a 1:05 start. Or, for my Hawaiian readers, that's a 7:05 am start. The game won't be televised, probably won't be on the radio, and will probably never be talked about, ever. Needless to say, this game is crucial in securing confidence for a long run into Octovember this year.

Obscure Ex-Tiger of the Day, 12-11

Chris Shelton

The enigma that is Chris Shelton will not ever be fully understood. Arguably the greatest Mormon red-haired Tiger in 2006, Chris Shelton was on pace to rewrite the record books. On April 17th, 2006 the great red hope hit his 9th HR of the season. At the time, he was the quickest in American League history to accumulate 9 Hr's at such an early date. As historians of my blog will tell you, on that day he was hitting ".471 with 9 HR's, 5 doubles, 3 triples and a slugging % of 1,216." His offense was "Babe Ruthian" and his defense was positively "Roger Dornian." Those three triples must have been pretty wild; I can only assume they came from other teams not taking Tom Emanski's baseball drill videos to heart during spring training.

And suddenly, it was over. I remembered watching a Pistons game in late April of 2006 at Utah, Shelton was there, of course. I remember him wearing a turtleneck and somehow looking extremely awkward, in Salt Lake, which i did not know was achievable. Shelton, started playing baseball like a pasty overweight ginger and struck out as much as Michigan's football coaching search. By June 3rd, he was batting 8th. By late July he was a Mud Hen.

So what happened? Most scholars will point to the obvious that he sold his soul to the baseball gods. He became a cocky Mormon ginger, and the baseball gods decided drastic measures needed to be taken to strike him down. For a good visual of what happened, go rent Space Jam and take note of the scenes when the aliens zap the basketball talent of such stars as Patrick Ewing, Mugsy Bogues and of course Shawn Bradley. Man, the Shawn Bradley MonStar really got boned on that deal. When he wasn't striking out, he was hitting lazy fly balls to the 2nd basemen. He went from unquestionably the best player in early 2006 to making Neifi look serviceable in the way that he played in June-July.

Chris Shelton was recently traded to the Rangers for Freddy Guzman. The Chris Shelton era of Tiger baseball was over. I implore my 3-5 readers to remember the Shelton era fondly. Without him, we do not go to the playoffs. Without him, we can never reminisce about the days when our beloved Tigers were led by Sloth, from the Goonies.




Share your favorite Shelton stories, or just brag about your $100+ Shelton authentic jersey you impulse bought.

Obscure Ex-Tiger of the Day, 11-9

(He had atleast one error this day)

Neifi Perez.

I fully expect the term "Neifi'd" to take the place of "Munsoned." If you look up "professional swinging bunt douchebag drug attic bag of farts" in your websters dictionary, you'll probably see the picture from above. Never did I ever think that we would look back at the John McDonald era so fondly.

Lot's of bad things have happened in over 100 years of Detroit baseball. But the shitcloud #8 subjected to us might top everything. Neifi played 55 terrible games in Detroit. In his unprecedented run to league LVP he hit below .200, had a grand total of 4 doubles, hit one HR, got suspended twice and killed 6 babies. The Royals did get Neifi'd this year when he hit a HR and had 4 Rbi's in a blow out victory. This upset dwarfed App. St. over Michigan. Sadly, that win over the Royals should probably have an asterisks by it now.

On October 30, the year of our lord 2007, Detroit Tigers (f)utility infielder Neifi Perez filed for free agency. Expected suitors include junior varsity assistant coaching opportunities and/or becoming religious in order to try to save his soul that he sold to the devil.

The Tigers have now had two players suspended because of the new drug policy. Neifi Perez, and Alex "speedy" Sanchez. With these two suspensions, the Detroit Tigers lead all of Major League Baseball in irony.

Share your favorite true or untrue Neifi stories.

Tigers Take 2 of 3 From Racists

Sorry for the lack of updates recently, I've been busy debating with myself which Tiger is more "now" then the others. Sportscenter has dazzled us with commitment to suck in the last 5 years, but as I was wasting away my life watching a "contest" between Serena Williams and Steve Nash I could feel actual rage and hatred seeping into my pure heart. So, I changed the channel to Top 40 awesomely wacky celebrity baby names to regain my chi. By the way, Sheffield won my Gene Kingsale bracket because of his comments toward latin players. Way to go Gary.

Kraig Monroe has done his best Karlos Pena impression so far this season. That impression being play like hot garbage and have people threatening to slash his tires for half a season, and then put up Chris Shelton #'s the other half. Well, atleast that's what I'm planning on. It's pretty dumb to have an average fielding LF hitting .225 with less then 10 HR's at the break. But, as Tiger historians will remind you often, he is tied for the most homeruns in Detroit Tiger history.

The Tigers got 3 with Bawstan before the break. I have a feeling we will sweep them because they are responsible for Fever Pitch and I probably falsely blame them for the phenomenon of girls around the country wearing pink mlb hats and jerseys.

The Tigers have 5 all-stars, including 3 starters. That is 4.5 more then we had the majority of my lifetime. I honestly don't know what I did enjoy more, this or when Robert Fick would be our merciful selection to showcase detroit baseball to a worldwide audience.

Eat em' up Tigers.

Nate Robertson Pitches No Hitter

Sean Casey's HR the other day nearly caused me to do multiple barrel rolls down 96 on my way to East Lansing. I've kind of hated Casey this year. Largely because if I had a choice I'd prefer someone without two torn hamstrings hitting in the middle of the line up and playing 1st base. But, I can't ignore that he's been pretty decent this last month. He's still not ideal, but compared to our bullpen he isn't even close to one of the main problems of this team.

The baseball world was rocked to its core as the Tigers and the Atlanta's exchanged vastly underachieving LHP's. We exchanged Wilfredo Ledezma (a frequent reader of this blog) for Macay McBride. To sum it up simply, both have been lousy, but unlike Ledezma we have the option of sending McBride to the Toledo's. Ledezma will likely start for the Atliens.

Maroth recently was traded to the Cardinals for a player to be named later. Sounds like a pretty fair trade. Maroth is a nice guy, but with Rogers back, he really has no business in the rotation.

Verlander's no hitter was neat. From the 7th inning on it basically was a prolonged panic attack. 12 strike outs and throwing 102 in the 9th was simply video game-esque, which is the greatest compliment you can give to a living person. Robertson also threw a less publicized no hitter for the Erie Sea Wolves.

Roman Colon. We received him in return for Kyle Farnsworth. Nobody liked this trade when it happened, except maybe Jeremy Affeldt. Colon has been injured all year and recently was involved in an altercation in AAA. I'll give you the abridged version, which is sadly a true story. Colon was in the locker room listening to music, Jordan Tata decided it was too loud and went and confronted Colon. The active closer for the Mudhens, Jason karnuth, decided to be the peacemaker and got in between the two. Unfortunately Colon swung and splattered Karnuth's face. Karnuth now needs reconstructive surgery on his face...and is out for the year. Thank goodness for our immense bullpen depth.

Rod Allen recently won his second straight emmy. My neck buggywhipped forward when I heard that fantastic news.

Tigers are home for a couple weeks. Go see them play, dummy.

Tigers vs. Algonquin term meaning "the good land"

Since recovering from my minor heart attack from the MLB draft, the Tigers have roared back and clawed there way back near the top of the AL Central. The Tigers have really earned their stripes as they have pounced on their prey and shown no mercy. And that's probably enough of those.

I was one of the 8 who watched the MLB draft. Prior to the draft, I had heard of possibly 4 players, one of them being Rick Porcello. This is who the Tigers drafted at 27, causing me and other Tiger nerds across the nation to break out their finest sparkling grape juice and celebrate. Porcello was a high school pitcher, which unfortunately brings down the wrath of the moneyball gods against our organization. Fortunately for us though, Porcello has been called by some the best HS pitcher since Josh Beckett. So, that is neat. If he signs, it's expected it will be for 8-10 million. Mike Illitch has 8-10 million more then me, So I hope Porcello does sign.

The Tigers released Jose Mesa. 0 Tiger fans mourned this loss.

The Milwaukee's come to Comerica to renew their olde timey Al rivalry with the Tigers. Led by Prince Fielder who basically Macauley Culkin'd his father Cecil, who ironically was nicknamed the "Big Daddy."

Kenny Rogers will be back soon. Zumaya might not be back this season. So, get ready to embrace the Jason Grilli close game excitement, and of course embrace the Yorman Bazardo era.

Go Tigers.

Both Teams Played Hard

(a typical Todd Jones save)

Todd Jones....1 IP, 7 hits, 2 BB, 1 Hr, 5 ER. 46 pitches thrown.

This might be dumbest stat line for a closer in the history of baseball. None of it makes any logical sense whatsoever. Why would you bring in Jones, who is notorious for giving up hits, in the 8th inning with 2 outs and 2 runners on in a 4 run game. We all know deep in our heart that Todd Jones is not a good closer, seriously. A good closer does not average 3.22 K's per 9 innings or have an opponents batting average of .300+ or inspire heart ailments as abundantly as he has. It's basically been dumb luck on our part that he hasn't been exposed. Leyland should know this, how he managed the game last night was inexcusable. None of it was logical. After he blew a 4 run lead and had a capable lefty warmed up in the pen last night he decided to leave Jones in to pitch to a lefty who obviously got the winning hit.

The Tigers have lost 7 of 8 and are 4.5 back. This last week of Detroit sports has been the equivalent of the first Iceland game from Mighty Ducks 2. You know, the ducks are overconfident and their coach is more interested in marketing his air bombay loafers then worrying about the team. If that Mighty Ducks 2 reference flew over your head, I immediately recommend putting it first on your netflix queue.

It's pretty much time for some of the Tiger's to step up. The Tigers all-time postseason HR leader, Craig Monroe, it would be decent if you could hit above .240 for a LF. Brandon Inge, you are getting paid almost 25 million to hit .217 right now. Sean Casey, you've been on a single hitting rampage, which would be nice if you were our utility infielder, but you play 1b. 1b, 3b, LF are three traditional positions where you expect some of your biggest run producers. Neifi Perez, just go away, please. Pudge, you have two walks, one was intentional, stop playing like a douche and having the hitting approach of a Rob Deer. If Magglio Ordonez wasn't putting up Willie May's numbers right now, it would be stupid to think about where this team would be.

Sheffield just got suspended for three games, I still don't know why, but he did. The potential line up for the Texas series is going to be pretty wild.

1. Granderson CF

2. Polanco 2b

3. Casey 1b

4. Magglio rf

5. rodriguez C

6. Thames DH

7. Monroe lf

8. Infante 3b

9 Neifi ss

and a bullpen of

Byrdak, ledezma, Grilli, Seay, Miner and Jones.

Sweep the Rangers.

Cleveland Sucks

Life can't get much better. The Tigers are in first place and just finished a sweep of the Cardinals AND I just received an email that a Prince from Ethiopia is offering me over 25 million dollars for just the use of my bank account! Wow, what a rush! With all this money I can finally buy happiness. Or, the castle from the critically acclaimed movie Blank Check.

I was at the Tigers game Saturday night. Easily the most enjoyable part of the entire game was the guy sitting in front of me heckling Juan Encarnacion in right field. For those of us who remember the Encarnacion era in Detroit, there is PLENTY of material to heckle him about. Anyways, these guys' material was strictly limited to the "HEY JUAN" heckle. Literally this was the go to heckle upwards of 60 times in a nine inning game. After each time they would yell this, they would turn to each other and high five each other emphatically. It was a disaster/masterpiece depending on your appreciation of unintentional comedy.

Other then the heckling, the highlight of the game was a Sean Casey double in the gap in right center. He hit second and made the turn to go for third, before realizing if he attempted this herculean feat he would have ripped every ligament in his lower body. This sounds insignificant, but a Sean Casey triple would surpass Magglio Ordonez's ALCS HR for best moment in Comerica Park history.

The California Angels are next on the homestand. This team of crumb-bums is led by hot shot RF Vladimir Guerrero and the crafty vet Mel Clark. Who, in the deciding game of the pennant threw over 160 pitches in a complete game win. Yes, it's pretty pathetic that I have watched Angels in the Outfield twice this year when it has started after 2 am. Bonderman might be back to pitch on Thursday of this series, but it's really no biggie because we have Miller waiting in the wings if he is not well enough to pitch.

After the California Anaheim Los Angeles Angels leave town we have a series with Cleveland. It's going to be a good week to deficate on our neighbors to the south.

Also, For Love of the Game was hot garbage. I am in no way endorsing this disaster of a movie. It's on TV often, and the only scene I enjoy is when Kevin Costner destroys his hand cutting it with a saw. Then, it's off my TV.

Too Many Bellyitchers

Great. Bonderman, and Zumaya are on the DL. It wouldn't shock me to hear that Adam Bernero has been called up, or that Venezuelan rebels have miraculously transported Ugie Urbina back to pitch for us. I don't know about you, but over these next couple of weeks there's a strong chance I'll develop an ulcer watching Mesatime at the end of a close game. Dr. Destroy is taking Bonderman's place on the roster, and will start on friday against St. Louis.

The Detroit's just gone with a road series in the always aesthetically pleasing Hubert H. Humphrey Dome. When I think of the Metrodome, it always for some reason reminded me of how Russia is often portrayed, cold, ugly, but efficient. I honestly can't think of anything more depressing then going to a baseball game in May and leaving 70 degree temperature to go watch baseball players play on turf under a dome that is white that makes professional baseball players look like wang-tangs as they stumble around to catch a routine pop fly. Also, the ball should never bounce over an outfielders head, ever. It’s efficient because they decided not to splurge on fences, but rather settle on giant garbage bags. Anyways the Tigers made Garrison Keillor weep as the Tigers won the first two of the series before losing by 6 safeties in the finale as vicious Virgil Vasquez was vanquished by the victorious Twins.

Tiger’s split the first two with the bostons. Tonight's game against the sawx was rained out. Doubleheader tomorrow. Regardless of the outcome, we can be certain ESPN will spend the majority their time by telling us about Robert Fick's reaction to the Roger "the rocket" Clemen's return. I honestly don't know what I want more, a Tigers championship or Clemen's to be finally proven to have taken HGH or just flame out spectacularly with the Yankees. Nothing was really more evil then announcing mid game from Steinbrenner's press box that he was coming back. Chet Steadman is the only "rocket" to me. I sincerely hope that every time Clemen's throws a pitch this year a pain shoots down his arm and a wicked guitar riff plays in his head. For the three of you who have seen Rookie of the year, that made sense.

Also, Neifi Perez had 4 RBI’s in a game earlier this year. I apologize for not devoting an entire entry just to this mind blowing feat.

Eat em' Up Tigers

Magglio Ordonez is playing everygame like it's the homecoming game against Valley High. His psuedo mullet is bringing a special amount of pain this year as he was honored with the extremely prestigious AL player of the week (ALPOTW). Undoubtedly he's benefitting from Sheffield and Guillen sandwiching him in the lineup.

I know I have no authority on this at all, but everytime Rod says "proven track record" that is definitely a drink or seven. Through the first month of the season, he has uttered these magical words atleast 4x a game. This has almost made basically everyone on the teams slumps oddly enjoyable. Also, I'm pretty sure he described someones double the other day as "pimping" it. As in "Neifi Perez just pimped that ball over the center fielder's head, pahdnuh!"

Usually I wait more then a month to rip on a player, but Sean Casey has to go. Remember in simpler days of video game baseball when players were ranked 1-10 in different categories? Well, this is how I'd rank him. 0-10 for speed, 1-10 for power, 1-10 for range in the field, 8-10 for hitting lazy ground balls to the 2b, 3-10 for goatee, 2-10 for the ability to bend his knees in doing anything, 14-10 for being a "nice guy." Seriously, watching him run is uncomfortable, I'd compare it to watching a dog move with only 2 legs. Some will give the argument that he is a "career" .300 hitter. This is accurate, but this is before he apparently tore both his ACL's without telling anyone. I don't know if team ambassador is a real position, but I suggest making it for him just so we can actually take advantage of his talents. To summarize, I'd take Carlos Pena over Casey.

The Tigers have won 6 of 8 after sweeping the White Sox in a one game series and now sweeping the Baltimores. The hitting has started to come around, the bullpen has picked it up and they almost got in a brawl. Simply put, they are almost as hot as Erin the Esurance girl. Seriously, these advertisements are insane, and seriously have men questioning themselves throughout the Detroit area.

We trail Cleveland in the Central right now. Cleveland won't win the Central, because God hates Cleveland. Nothing good comes from Cleveland, it would not surprise me at all if Carlos Mencia is a native Clevelandnite.

Drink 3, Rod Allen Just Mentioned Talking to Monroe in Batting Practice

I started writing this blog for the same reason that everyone else writes a blog; that is, to pick up babes. So far, that hasn't really panned out but it has allowed me to get in contact with people potentially nerdier then me that for whatever reason read this somewhat regularly. I feel that so far my coverage of this year has been "sucky" and I've been letting down the geeksquad. My reason for this, like everyone else, I was completely wrapped up in the Anna Nicole Smith baby daddy drama. I wish that this story could have lasted forever, but, it's come to an end. Thank goodness there is no other important national news like war(s) or genocides to distract me. So, the Tigers come home from a 10 game roadie with a 7-5 record.

For some unknown reason, the Tigers decided to go back to the deadball era. Our 4 normal starters have been Christy Matthewsonesque with their starts so far. Unfortunately Chad Durbin has been Nata Cornejoesque so far this season. I see him getting one more start and then future 15 game winner Wilfredo Ledezma will take his spot. You can bet on that happening.

With all the deserved hoopla going on about the celebration of the 60th anniversary of Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier, I thought it would be a good day to honor someone else who made great strides for equality in major league baseball. The first major league baseball player with a vagina, AJ Pierzynski. He continues to overcome enormous obstacles in that nobody likes or has respect for him. I searched Aj Pierzynski on youtube, and not surprisingly this video http://youtube.com/watch?v=mj50-Iy2GCk is one of the first that come up. Here's another account of his douchebaggery from Bruce Jenkins who is the beat writer for the Giants gives his account of what happened when Aj fouled a ball off of his vagina.

"One of those now-it-can-be-told stories the White Sox, A.J. Pierzynski's new
employer, surely haven't heard: During a Giants exhibition game last spring,
Pierzynski took a shot to his, shall we say, private parts. Trainer Stan Conte
rushed to the scene, placed his hands on Pierzynski's shoulders in a reassuring
way, and asked how it felt. "Like this," said Pierzynski, viciously delivering a
knee to Conte's groin. It was a real test of professionalism for the enraged
Conte, who vowed to ignore Pierzynski for the rest of the season until Conte
realized how that would look. The incident went unreported because all of the
beat writers happened to be doing in-game interviews in the clubhouse, but it
was corroborated by a half-dozen eyewitnesses who could hardly believe their
eyes. Said one source, as reliable as they come: "There is absolutely no doubt
that it happened."

The Tigers head back to Comerica park for a 2 series homestand against the Missouri's own, Kansas City Royals and the cheese dicks from Chicago. At 7-5 when you've played 10 away games I'll take this record. But, it sure would be awfully neat if some of our players could hit over .150 sometime soon.

Go tigers.

Tigers vs.Those Guys That Sang Dust in the WInd

Watching Magglio Ordonez in the 8th inning the other night was like watching a lost child in a mall. Lot's of confusion, lots of unnecessary movement which mercifully came to a happy conclusion. He did not receive an error that inning, but he misplayed 3 balls terribly and almost got hit in the head on the 4th ball.

I should have known he was going to have a rough go of it to start. At opening day, Magglio took RF and actually seemed kind excited to be out there. Usually, some drunk will yell at him from the bleachers and he'll turn around and just stare awkwardly into nothing...it's hard to explain, but somehow it's an awkward situation. Anyways, him and Granderson are playing catch. Ordonez obviously misses a throw from Granderson and goes to retrieve the ball. Granderson, thinking the warm up was over turned to Monroe and was talking to him. Slater, then retrieves the ball and throws a 200 foot missile that misses concussing Granderson by a foot. Needless to say, Magglio was the first Tiger booed in 2007.

The Tigers are 1-1. In actuality they were the better team opening day, and a worse team the second game that they won. The third game, both teams decided to sip hot cocoa and skip the game the game altogether.

We now travel to a unanimous top 5 choice for least interesting state, Kansas. They are from Kansas city, and their nickname is the Royals. That is dumb. KC is one of the most consistent teams in all of baseball. Over the last decade, every aspect of their team has been consistently lousy. Mike Sweeney is their "MVP," but, if I was a betting man I'd wager that he'll miss 110 games atleast with cramps or something stupid.

In some overlooked news, Guillen signed a 4 year contract to stay a Tiger. We probably paid him less then he wanted but did give him 4 years. This is good news, mostly because he's been our most consistent player the last couple of years, and less importantly my sleazy all-star Guillen jersey is still relevant and does not need to be retired.