Tigers bitch-slap national league

is using the word "bitch-slap" innapropriate to use in a title? In short, yes. But after watching the tigers double-broom the past two NL champs and compiling a 13-2 beatdown record overall against the player haters from the NL and a 54-25 overall record…this is pretty much the greatest thing ever to happen. I rank the Tigers 2006 season basically as an equal to getting into college, good health and the future birth of my lefty cy-young/switch hitting robot child that will redefine baseball as you know it.

Right now, its 315 am. I just got home from the bar. If I'm writing in my diary about how much I'm spazzing out about a baseball team at this time, that’s a)exciting, b)radical, c)dreadfully pathetic, like hello? earth to brady, your a turd, do something better with your life, or d) all of the above. I'd like to think it’s a mostly choice "A," but in reality it's for sure more of "C." Instead of resenting this, I guess I just have to embrace my inner-nerdom. Fuck the alpha-betas anyways. Booger is so cool. Did you see that concert they put on at the homecoming games? Who knew pointdexer was so great at the electric violin?, and that Lamar Latrell laid down a funky ass rhyme that made me move my body down to the ground. God, I want a piece of that sweet piece of ass Betty Childs....Alright, I'm clearly losing my focus. Just take it that I got the fever and it’s gripping detroit like a tightly fit speedo.

You might ask why I chose selleck as the picture for this. I did that simply for my 0 or 1 female readers. Well, your welcome, female reader. If you exist that is.

Anyways, the big hoopla surrounding the Tigers basically deals with the potential trades they might do. What is especially entertaining about this is that everyone is stupid and loves talking out of their ass about how they can potentially improve a team winning almost 70% of it's games. Names I've heard as potential targets have been dontrelle willis, john smoltz, barry bonds, cliff floyd, bobby abreau, aubrey huff and a whole host of other schmoes. The only player I potentially want is bobby abreau. This is totally in a deal that involves basically zero of our prospects and zero of our veterans. So, i'm willing to offer dmitri young, recently demoted bobby seay and Kevin hooper for abreau. I'm crossing my fingers, but I don't expect them to bite on this bargain. Even though it's great we are winning now, it’s even more important to secure our future. Making a foolish trade now would be a mistake on par with bay of pigs invasion. We are good now, but we have the potential to be great for the next 5-10 years. So, to make this simple, don't fuck this up, please.

in other news, dmitri young is back! After a tremendous year of screwing trammell, choking his 21 year old GF, checking into the betty ford clinic for rehab and playing terrible baseball to boot, he's back! meathook is in florida attempting to remember how to play baseball and will eventually don the historic mudhen logo. What's terrible about this entire situation is that we desperately could use a switch-hitting power hitter. So, if he can contribute, I wish him the best. He might as well pretend to earn the 8 million+ he's due to make this year.

ozzie guillen recently picked the assistant coaches for the all-star game in pittsburgh this year. In an all-around classy move he decided to pick eric wedge (35-42) and john gibbons (43-34) over jim leyland (54-25). Remember, leyland coached in pittsburgh for only a measly 11 years and won 2 coach of the year honors and brought the pirates to respectability. I'd criticize guillen, but I'm just petrified that he'll just curse me out and use insensitive slurs to discredit me.

The tigers travel to pittsburgh for some more AL/NL rivalry action. I just hope the killer b's (bonds, bonilla and bell) aren't too much for us to overcome. Atleast we got van slyke on our side this time.

Beat the bucs.

ozzie guillen loves the wnba

Recently, all around class act ozzie guillen recieved criticism for referring to jay marriotti as a "fag." Marriotti criticized guillen for demoting sean tracey, a rookie pitcher, who in his MLB debut guillen ordered to hit a batter. Tracey missed, Guillen was pissed, marriotti dissed. guillen after hearing marriotti's criticism had this to say in response, "What a piece of [expletive] he is, [expletive] fag." I'll let you fill in the expletives, but if I had an educated guess, I'd think the quote goes something like "what a piece of fart he is, motherlovin' fag." guillen defended himself by saying that in his country "fag" isn't a homosexual slur. remember, ozzie guillen has played baseball in the mlb for 16 years, and has coached for 3 years. So, i wouldn't really call this excuse especially valid. What I like about this entire situation is I absolutely hate marriotti as well. So this is basically a win-win situation.

My favorite part about this entire thing is guillen trying to defend this. Guillen tried defending himself to another columnist (couch), and was quoted as saying, "Guillen also told Couch that he has gay friends, attends WNBA games, went to a Madonna concert and plans to go to the Gay Games in Chicago." After literally falling out of my chair reading that, I came to the conclusion that Marriotti would be one hell of candidate to be guillen’s “partner” in the 3-legged race at the gay games. Comments like these are absolutely priceless. it's basically the same as saying that I really enjoy Plessy v. ferguson, but I'm not racist because I know black people, and I go to rap concerts. I loved that even when trying to defend himself, he just furthered other stereotypes. That picture of him kissing his son on the lips is definitely fitting here.

The Tigers handled their beeswax by going 5-1 against those bitches from the northside of chicago and the tigers old AL rival the Brewers. I'm extremely heartbroken I missed the majority of these games because it’s a pure delight watching the Tigers pitchers hit. When nate robertson hit an rbi single with 2 outs it was basically the equivalent of chris shelton stealing home in my opinion. The Tigers now head back to detwah for some more interleague delight against the Cardinals where we will certainly brag about our world series win over them a measly 38 years ago.

eat em' up tigers

tigers roar into flag day with best record in the bigs

Another eventful week for the tigers. A 4 game winning streak over the b-jays and d-rays has been NIICE (use borat voice). It's also always interesting when an arrest warrant is put out for one of your highest paid players on the team as well. Apparently, with being fake injured and on the DL, dmitri young had too much to do as he skipped his pre-trial and now faces arrest. He was receiving help from the betty ford clinic for alcohol abuse. I thought it was cute before when my sister always said he was nice to her at 5th avenue, but now that I know that she was just feeding his addiction really T's me off. I'm putting the blame completely on my sister for this one, hopefully the 40 extra lb's he's been carrying around was just built up beer and liquor that has been lodged in his system and when he's clean, this will all magically fall off. Kind of like Jared in that subway commercial wear he tears his fat suit off revealing a leaner and meaner self. Hopefully, meathook will be leaner...but not necessarily meaner, because that got him in trouble before.

The picture up top is from the tigers dramatic comeback win against TB. Of course I was there at that game. At the time granderson came through with the winning hit I was one of about 340 people still left in the stadium and it was the equivalent of christmas morning/halloween and flag day rolled into one. I'll be at the game tonight. Bonderman pitches tonight against former Philadelphia 76'er Mark Hendrickson. This schlub was drafted in the 2nd round by philly, but decided he'd rather become a marginal pitcher in baseball crazy tampa bay. Way to think it through, mark.

Topping the threatdown for this weekend....BEARS. or in this case the cubs. the cubs are stupid and from chicago, so I'm just going to assume everything goes swimmingly this weekend. I'm out of town this weekend so I'm going to miss the entire cubs series. I'm not going to be able to follow the tigers very well because I'll be at a music festival, and that would be a stupid use of my time. I think its pretty safe to assume by the time I get back the tigers will be riding high on a 9 game win streak.

I just want to wish all my readers a happy flag day...and be safe! no one wants to ruin the most sacred of holidays with a foolish flag day injury. If you are of legal age (or have fake id) take it easy. For every flag that you see, this doesn't necessarily give you permission to take a shot.

Dr. Destroyer a Tiger!

On the 6th day, of the 6th month of the year 2006 the Tigers select with their 6th pick a 6'6 Andrew Miller, a lefty hurler from North Carolina. Obviously you might think I might have some hang-ups about drafting the obvious ruler of the dark world to anchor our pitching rotation in the future. Not this time though, the Tigers drafted by basically everyone’s opinion the consensus #1 overall player in the draft at #6. He slipped to us because everyone thought he would be hard to sign, which might be true, but I have faith that Dombrowski will sacrifice 20 virgins to please Miller. Another thing you like is when players make up nicknames for themselves. Miller, obviously a smart guy, came up with the genius nickname "Dr. Destroyer." Even though Miller is leaving after his jr. year...it's always nice to see that he was able to get his doctorate before he graduated.

The Tigers just completed two series against teams that are named after socks. I guess in the early 1900's creativity was at an all-time low and the creators of these names just looked in their closets and blammmo! white and red sox it is. Anyways, both of these series went poorly. The Tigers should have won both series if it wasn't for Todd Jones remembering he's todd jones and giving up a 2 out bottom of the 9th HR to lose and Rodney reverting back to his pre tommy-john surgery days and serving up a pelvis-shattering 3-run HR to new HGH candidate Alex cintron. The Tigers now head to Toronto for a series with the B'jays. Hopefully if they have enough time they'll visit the hockey hall of fame.

US Cellular field I think just climbed in my top 3 in my list of the mostest stupiderest ballparks in baseball. Every single flyball felt like it was going to be gone. 11 Hr's were hit in 3 games. This is even more stupid when all the games were relatively low scoring games. I mean, cintron and polanco each hit Hr's this series. That's stupid. Homeruns should be difficult, thats why I have really grown to like the dimensions of Comerica Park a lot recently. There is not a more exciting play in baseball then a triple. Recently I did a Hr. Derby with two of my BFF's. A total of 3 Hr's were hit between us...I hit 0 of them. Even though this made me cry for the first time in 12 years, this was right. I have no business hitting homeruns after 0 practice in the last 3 years. Instead I was fouling off 45 mph gas or hitting a lazy fly ball into LF. Luckily, I bought some steroids and the next time you see me my head will be the equivalent of a bobble-head and the rest of my body will look like a person who was allergic to bee's who got stung by an entire nest. Who cares about testicles when you have pec's like mine?

"These fans here in Chicago are a black eye, cussing when there are kids around. I mean it's just bad for baseball." - jamie walker

Whats with these fans in chicago? I mean what the fuck is wrong with these shithead southsiders and their foul langauge? They should all be bitchslapped and their kids should be tought some fucking manners. Go eat a shit sandwich you assholes, you pale hosers.

Tigers vs. Sawks, Sucks (red, white)

The Tigers not surprisingly enter June with the best record in all of baseball. Tonight, they start a series against jimmy fallon's Red Sawks. Since I currently am living a life that directly parallels Billy Madison (pre Ms. Vaughn), all I do all way is watch obscure movies on HBO. Unluckily for me, Fever Pitch plays 7 or 8 times a day so I get to watch that on a much too frequently. Literally, the only part I really like in that movie is when drew barrymore gets destroyed by a foul ball off the forehead. Hopefully, she does her own stunts. Anyways, my point is that this sawks series became exponentially more important after suffering through multiple viewings of this movie. Schilling vs. Rogers tonight, Bonderman vs. Wakefield tomorrow, and the marquee matchup...Zach miner vs. Matt Clement. I'll be at Saturdays game. I anticipate clubbing and brutally disfiguring multiple members of REDSOXNATION. Including Dave.

Next, the "motor city kitties" invade Chicago for an all important series with the black sox. If i hear chris berman one more time say "motor city kitties" I'll fucking snap like that goon on Iceland who slashes Adam Banks' already tender wrist. Honestly, I have to change the channel off of my favorite show Baseball tonight when Berman gushes about the Tigers, it makes me that mad.

Anyways, the black sox are led by douche bag extraordinaire ozzie guillen. You might remember him as the light-hitting SS for the sox who hit a paltry .264 for his career and slugged a steroid-suspicious 28 career Hr's in 16 years. Recently, he's become popular for bitching out literally everyone and leading a group of unbelievable turds to a world series. Last year, he called Magglio a "Venezuelen piece of shit." This guy screams class! Also, the team song of last year was by Journey and it was "don't stop believing." Members of the black sox would gather around and bellow this fucking pathetic song whenever a microphone was put in front of them. Notorious Fuckwad Anthony John Peer-zin-skee (i can't spell his name, and no way in hell am i giving him the satisfaction of looking it up) led passionate misty-eyed renditions of journey on multiple occasions. I'm pretty sure when the Cub's Michael Barret punched aj in the face it wasn't because of the collision, it was because he was sick and tired of hearing journey sung on Sportscenter every night. America thanks you, michael.

Tigers up by 2.5 games now, the magic # to clinch the division is hovering right now at just above 100 hundred games. As the homeless guy outside copa says to me almost on a nightly basis "eat em' up tigers, EAT EM' UP!" That guy gets a dollar, everytime.

Tigers sweep 4 game series against AA baseball club

This picture has really nothing at all to do with anything going on at all. I just always thought it would be nice if someone would satisfy one of my boyhood dreams by having dmitri perform in a shakespearean play. Anyways, the "injury bug" has attacked the tigers recently. I’ll tell you, that fuckin' injury bug, every time man.. dmitri suffered what I can believe to be one of the few trips ever to the disabled list primarily just to get "his shit back in order" and patch things up with his 21 year old chicken head GF. Or, just to learn his lines for his performance in macbeth. who knows. Definitely not a strained quad, I can tell you that much.

In an injury that actually affects the team, Mike maroth was placed on the 15 day DL for an inflamed elbow. I was able to watch that first inning of the tigers game yesterday when maroth gave up back to back to back hr's and 6 earned runs while getting one royal out. It’s especially bad when you find out that the power hitting royals have slugged 3 Hr's in one game only one time prior to yesterday. If they match that total in the first inning, then you are pitching like bodussy. You certainly can't accuse the royals of steroids atleast. Losing Maroth is especially more devastating when the expected replacement is jason grilli. grilli is basically the only pitcher on the team who isn't putting up video game type numbers on our staff. I'd prefer Colon to take over the 5th spot, when the day comes when I am manager of the Tigers, I will be able to make those decisions.

The Tigers are 33-14....let that sink in for a minute. With the pistons in the eastern conference finals and the tigers 19 games over .500 in may, I think I must be going to hell. I definitely made a deal with the devil. Totally worth it though, I'll take meaningful baseball over an eternity of damnation without hesitation anytime. The fact the pistons are playing the heat...makes this apparent deal with the devil all the more evident. Honestly, I don't think there is a team I've ever hated more then this heat team. Cakes Walker, Dwayne "I'm going to fall on my ass and get an ass-bruise and act like I just shattered my leg" Wade, ason williams (no J), Alonzo "i almost died of kidney failure, but by the grace of god the raptors signed me and took a chance on me when no team would...but I'm still demanding a trade from those canucks" Mourning, etc. And who can forget the Shaq/ben wallace rap feud after the lakers series? Yeah, that was classic. Shaq laying down dope rhymes that I'd say were comparable to his acting in "Steel" and ben wallace making guest appearances on Skillz' song. Wow, that was some classic stuff there. Especially Riley. yeah, like van gundy really wanted to stop coaching one of the best teams in basketball a handful of games into the season to "spend time with his family." If i were his family...fuck! make that money, man. Nobody needs a stay at home dad when you could be out making millions.

Anyways, I'll probably be sacrificing game 3 of the heat series to go to the tigers/indians game on saturday night. If your there, I won't be hard to find. I'll be the guy enjoying my "diluted" pepsi a little bit too much in right field. I’ll probably also be there Sunday, and 2 of the 4 yankee games and atleast one or two of the bosox series. Should be pretty wild.

go tigers.

you know what first place feels like?... it feels like...like a bag of sand

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy...?

Sparky Anderson said that a baseball team truly can not be judged until the 40 game mark. Well, George is surely doing back flips after the Tigers pulled into the 40 game mark with a COMMANDING one game lead over the black sox and the best record in the MLB.

A lot has happened since my last update. It’s kind of difficult to stay current when you do not have a job and you have to sleep in until 1 pm everyday. Well, the tigers have currently won 7 straight, da-meathook da-beat his da-bitch up, and Zumaya a Marlin? say Whaaaaat?!

Sadly, oft injured DH DY decided that his 21 year old college boo was getting fresh with the meatstick. Did Dmitri Young haveta' choke a bitch?! Apparently, he did, and he's turning himself into the police on monday. Hitting a paltry .192 with 0 HR's thus far and now a domestic violence arrest this might be enough to signal an end to DY's career in Deetwah. No home runs for dmitri this year, instead its been more like hoe, run! after he polishes off a case of zimas. I've always tried to like Young, this first started off when my sister reported to me that he "tips incredibly well" at my uncles bar 5th avenue in Comerica Park. I even did get a kick out him attempting to field a baseball in the field, even if his fielding skills are comparable to a mentally challenged 7th grader. Also, his at-bat music of the ying-yang twins was a family delight! He chose "wait (the whisper song)" who's chorus consists of "Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick, Imma beat dat pussy up." if my face wasn't already botoxed to death, then a steady flow of tears would flow down my face.

Through some fortunate Pedro Cerrano voodoo curse, the Tigers currently have without a doubt the best pitching staff in baseball. Honestly, I can't explain this. We have an old man with anger issues, 2 pitchers who lost a combined 40 games a couple years ago, an underachieving lefty and a green rook. How this somehow equals a team ERA of 3.13 almost 1 full run over the 2nd best team in the AL is simply enough to almost have me suffer a brain aneurysm. We have given up 20 runs less then the 2nd best team in baseball. When I saw this stat, I was momentarily paralyzed from the waist down. And Jay-Z (zumaya) is one of the most dominating relievers in all of baseball.

Recent rumors have said that the marlins might be interested in trading dontrelle willis for zumaya. Honestly, this has given me an intense headache the last 36 hours. Zumaya looks as if he might be a lights-out closer for the next 10 years, while willis is already a cy young caliber lefty who's only 24, but who has a delivery who might make him susceptible to an arm injury. I imagine we'd also have to give up another mid-range prospect probably like a jordan tata or something. I think I developed an ulcer trying to analyze this trade. It really is way to tough to think about, and I hope it just goes away before I develop some other dehabilitating illness as a result of this.

Also, when you suckers were watching the pistons fart away our playoff chances in game 5, I was mostly watching Verlander vs. Santana. Honestly, this was probably one of the best games I've seen in years. Two pitchers who were just dominant until... hell froze over and monkeys flew out of wayne campbell's ass. Vance Wilson hit a 2-run HR in the bottom of the 8th inning leading us to a 2-0 victory. I was a witness alright, Vance Wilson won a game for us.

Tigers play the Reds in interleague baseball this weekend. I'll probably be thurr saturday night, and possibly sunday depending on if the Pistons want to do the equivalent of slapping an elderly woman in the face and beating up a group of kittens and lose in the 2nd round to the Cavaliers. I'm a high roller... I drive a Cavalier. If the pistons lose to the Cavaliers I think I am going to egg the fuck out of my car and beat it senseless with my bloody fists. I Guaransheed this.

The worst thing in the history of sport

No, not steroids, but Craig Monroe taking a pitch right below the belt (PUN INTENDED). I remember watching this game last year and literally being uncomfortable for the next couple of days. Monroe was quoted later on saying that he "doesn't wear a cup because he plays in the outfield." Wow. How he wasn't on the disabled list for the rest of the season is simply the most remarkable achievement in toughness in sports history. yes, Willis Reed and Mateen Cleaves showed incredible toughness coming back and guiding their teams to championships and Kirk Gibson showed incredible grit to overcome basically two worthless legs to hit the game winning Hr against Eckersley...but, they weren't hit by a baseball traveling at an incredible speed in the crotcial region. You really think Gibson would've been able to hit Eckersley after taking one in the groin? hell no, strike 3! That is why Craig Monroe will forever go down in Tigers lore as one of the toughest SOB's in the history of sports.

This really has no relation to how the Tigers season has gone so far. Currently, we are 22-13 and are taking our nerf Crotch bats (snl reference) to the rest of the american league. The Black Sox are still 1.5 games up, with a measly 117 games to play. In my obviously unbiased opinion, we are a virtual lock for the AL central title.

Also, Zumaya hitting Chris Gomez with a 100 mph fast ball in the hand produced about the most grotesque sound I've ever heard. Gomez, as you remember was a Tiger legend playing for us the glory days in the early to mid 90's. Incredibly, he still stayed in the game even though it was obvious from just listening to it that his hand was mangled and broken. He's on the disabled list for a couple of months.

Right now, I'm planning on going to the entire Twins series tue-thurs at copa. Don't be a stranger; buy your #1 source for Detroit Tigers info a $8.50 beer if you happen to be there also.

33-1....and TWINS!!

Once again, the Tigers tracked their prey, pounced on them and ripped apart their chest leaking their bloody organs and insides exposed for other Tigers to gnaw and rip apart and enjoy a filling meal. This time, their target was Twins. Not actual twins, but rather the entire state of Minnesota. Call in FEMA, because this disaster is going to take a while to recover from.

The Tigers broomed the Twins in a most convincing fasion. They won game one by a 3 fieldgoals 9-0. Game two was decided by Justin Verlander kicking 6 straight field goals and only giving up a PAT to win 18-1. And the "gambler" recorded 3 seperate safties sacking QB Ron Gardenhire to win 6-0. This all adds up to a 33-1 noogie and wedgie-fest laugher in favor of the tigers.

If this wasn't a clear enough definition of what happened this weekend at copa, try this metaphor instead. Take the Mighty Ducks trilogy, and you can use the games against their rivals before they ceremoniously changed their name back to the Ducks for the rematch. For instance the District 5 team, TEAM USA and finally the Eden Hall Warriors JV team. The Twins play the part of the "lost Ducks" and the Tigers are the Hawks, Team Iceland and Eden Hall varsity. Game 1 was like TEAM USA vs. Iceland in the first game. The Tigers brute strength was too much to overcome in a 9-0 statement game. Game 2, was like District 5 vs. the hawks. Winning 18-1 and literally making a red-faced Gardenhire question his teams "cahones." Game 3, was Eden Hall JV vs. Eden Hall varsity. Even though JV squad might of had past success, they were still weaklings compared to the stronger and more attractive Varsity squad. This weekend, the Tigers really emphasized that the twins were just JV bitches compared to the Tigers.

Next, the kansas shitty royals come to town bringing in Runelvys Hernandez for the opener. It is also pathetic that I am able to spell "runelvys" correctly just because of the sheer hatred I have for this fuckbag. If you remember, he is the d'bag who drilled Guillen in the head and then talked shit starting a bench clearing brawl. Luckily Farnsworth was able to execute a flawless form tackle on a unsuspecting royal in this fight. go tigers, beat kansas. All they are is dust in the wind.

the next Chris Shelton: Cameron Maybin

I spent much of my afternoon watching Revenge of the Nerds 3 today. A pathetic movie, but I lasted as much as a I could until Booger graced the screen and I felt somewhat vindicated that I lasted long enough to see arguably the most successful Berkley High School Alum of all time in action. This really has nothing at all to do with Cameron Maybin at all; I just like to talk about Booger every chance I get. But those lovable nerds always seem to be right and just in their cause. Baseball writers are pretty much the biggest nerds of them all, and they would all make fine Lamda Lamda Lamda's. Anyways, these honorary Tri-Lambs have basically annointed Maybin as being a mixture of "Ken Griffey Jr. and Darryl Strawberry....but better defensively then those two" and also being a very mature "18 year old"....whatever that means. Also, they meant Darryl Strawberry in a good way....not the coked out way. I'll be very disappointed with the Tigers if they drafted an 18 year old coke addict.

I'm always kind of suspect when I find out the Tigers drafted a high school player in the draft. I read Moneyball, and that basically made me think that Billy Beane was literally the smartest person ever to have existed in the history of the human species. So, I was sort of upset with this pick at first. Then I started reading various articles about him, and that if it wasn't for justin upton (the #1 pick) he would have been one of the top high school position players in recent history. Also, this is what sold me. The Motherfucker has the major league baseball logo tattooed on his left shoulder and on his right shoulder he has a" crucifix with a baseball in the middle." I totally dig his religious beliefs.

Right now, Granderson is our CFer...but the Tigers have all intentions of having Maybin be the future CFer for the next decade or so. If everything goes perfectly, the Tigers outfield for 2008 will probably be Bret Clevlen in LF (another super-duper prospect), Maybin in CF, and Granderon taking over RF with at that time wrinkly old man Magglio taking over DH. This is nice, because all of the recent sucking is starting to pay off with good draft picks. I mean, Verlander and Zumaya are carving up major league hitters right now and they are both rookies. Verlander faced King Felix, also one of the best current prospects, and outpitched him yesterday in a great game. Verlander reached 100 MPH multiple times and topped out at 101 and keeps hitters off balance with an insane curve ball that usually is around 80 MPH. If he ever successfully develops a 3rd pitch, he'll be nuts.

Anyways, the Tigers are 12-7 and currently in 1st place for the wild card. Unfortunately, there are still 143 games to play, but for whatever reason the Tigers are 10-2 on the road right now. That literally makes no sense, but they start a series on the road against the Angels tonight. Not even Tony Danza (with an angel, not a bullshit fake one) can stop the Tigers march to a 130 win season.

Old man forgets to take meds, becomes irritable and gassy

“Well, we just a lackluster, the whole ball of wax was lackluster just not good enough”
-Jim Leyland, 4-17-06

This literally is one of my favorite quotes of all-time. If I could go back in time, this would have been my senior quote, instead of the lame one I used from Mighty Ducks 2 instead. "whole ball of wax" is without a doubt going to become an integral part of my vocabulary. "Brady, its 5 pm, why haven't you gotten out of bed?" My reply, "the whole ball of wax, just a lackluster", and then I'd mumble something incoherently and chug the nearest bottle of pepto bismol.

This cute little tirade has made most Tiger fans happy, and has shown that he won't accept the same old same-old. This apparently is something that Trammel lacked, or something. People point to Leyland's WS ring and say "by golly, this geezer is a genius," but somehow ignore Trammel's ring. In the last week or so, I've read countless articles claiming the Tigers finally "got one right in Leyland." Cute journalism, but I'll wait more then 2 weeks to make bold claims like that. I mean, Phil Garner didn't exactly fit in with Detroit, and holy balls! He's in the World Series with the Astros. The fucking Astro's!

First off, I am by no means saying that Leyland is a bad manager. Way too early to tell, obviously. At 7-6, this is pretty much where I thought we'd be right now. But, this is before I knew that Jesus Christ would resurrect in the form of an overweight, red-headed 1st basemen. "Are you saying Jesus can't hit a curveball?" No, jesus can hit any pitch you throw at him right now. Currently, Shelton is leading in all triple crown categories in the AL, and currently has hit for 62 total bases this year. 62 total bases is a lot, but it’s absolutely crazy when Albert Pujols is the 2nd in total bases at 45.

The fact that Shelton is hitting 6th in this lineup is an absolute joke. Chris(t) batting 6th and the monstar's from space jam keep me awake at night and haunt my dreams. Shelton has 17 RBI's right now, which is absolutely batshit insane if you look at the rest of his stats. How a guy who is hitting .471 with 9 HR's, 5 doubles, 3 triples and a slugging % of 1,216 and has only 17 Rbi's is just unbelievable. Unfortunately, this is what happens when you have the best hitter in baseball at the moment hitting 6th with such "legendary" sluggers like Gomez, Thames, Infante and Young hitting in front of him. Obviously, shelton isn't going to hit .500 this season, he'll realistically probably only hit .430 or something, but the fact that we aren't capitalizing on this babe ruthian statistical mindfuck is incomprehensible. The crazy thing is, if we had actually good hitters hitting around him, such as pudge, ordonez, polanco, his stats would be probably even gaudier. Also, superstition doesn't work in baseball. Leyland better start coaching instead of relying on superstition to manage this team.

The Tigers are going going back back to cali cali for a series with the A's right now. I'm kind of frustrated with this team right now, so a nice 30-40 game winning streak would put me at ease here. Also, here's the audio from leylands "tirade."

http://www.mlive.com/tigers/audio/index.ssf?/tigers/audio/audio06.html

Also, if you missed JIM ROME IS BURNING on espn today, then you missed a “phenomenal” show. It was “epic.” And like 3 people probably just got the jokes I just made. But, to get back to the show, ROME was spitting the truth (like he always does) about Shelton. The headline of his rant on Shelton was “passion of the chris.” My loyal readers obviously remember my “epic” rant to my “clones” on april 9, 2006 where I anoint him as this. So, Romey, since your obviously a loyal reader of my tigers blog, you better start bringing it stronger on your show and stop copying this blog. Bring it rome, Brady,“OUT!”

With that, I'll leave you with this.

"Here he comes, from the frozen north
Big Red!

A mighty man from the land of Thor
Big Red!
Big Red!

You pour in the goop
In the helmet thing
But you better watch out
When you pull the string!
Big Red!
Big Red!
Big Red!

He's big, big, big!
And he's red, red, red!
And that's how he got
to earn the name Big Red!
Big Red!
Big Red!"

Bring da motherfuckin ruckus, Cleveland

You’d think I’d be upset after the Tigers got swept by Chicago. If you thought this, then you are right. Good job. Anyways, the Tigers slipped to 5-4 on the season with a measly 153 games yet to be played. A massive series with Cleveland looms this weekend for the Tigers.

Opening day was simply charming. It is always a delight to see the Ferris wheel in heavy rotation and the stupid fountain fireworks spraying water all over center field for the first time all season. On the plus side, I almost got smoked by a dmitri young HR in batting practice. That would have been messy and very injury-ey.

Basically, the only positive that came out of the series with Chicago is that the stormin’ mormon is still on pace for 126 HR’s this year. I have absolutely no idea why Omar Infante played DH the other day. That certainly was Leyland’s first sign that he might be going senile. Anyways, I’m putting that series behind me. I’m squarely focused on Cleveland. I have a good feeling about this series, not really sure why. Maybe it’s because I’ve been listening to george clinton for the last 4 hours, but who knows.

Peanut butter jelly and dmitri young with a baseball bat

The Passion of the Chris(t) Shelton

I'm not a religious man, but after this first week of excellence I might need to do some serious soul-searching. I'm pretty sure god came to me in my dreams one night and the only thing I can remember is his beautiful flowing red locks of hair... The Tigers are 5-1 right now, at this rate we are only on pace for a 135 win season. Settling for just 135 wins is a loser’s mentality. Yes, that would break the MLB record for all-time wins, but I'm planning on us breaking many MLB records this year. I don't want us to put up just good #'s....I want the Tigers to put up videogame numbers. Videogame numbers are a magical type of achievement. In the video game universe, it is not out of the realm of possibility to hit 100 Hr's in a season, win 150 games, and have a starting pitcher go undefeated throughout the season. For example, I just hooked up my super nintendo and started a season with the 1994 detroit tigers in ken griffey jr. baseball. After 68 games, my record is 64-4. 5 out of 9 hitters are hitting above .400, and Cecil Fielder is hitting .462 with 33 HR's. Mike Moore, Bill Gullickson and David Wells are still undefeated with an ERA around 1.00. The most incredible stat of them all though, is Mike Hennemen is still yet to blow a save!

The other night the Tigers hit 6 Hr's off of some fool named R.A. Dickey in 4 innings. I'm pretty sure the R.A. stands for wRetchedly Assy. I know, that wasn't fair, but the 'w' is silent, so that’s just not fair in itself. I know the Royals and Rangers aren’t exactly known as baseball squadrons to fear, but going 5-1 isn’t anything to sneeze at. Also, every time we beat texas in anything, it somehow makes me feel like my political stance is validated. When the spurs beat the pistons last year, I was almost ready to concede that the Iraq War was fought on just means, and that the no-child left behind act literally left no child behind. Needless to say, it is pretty fucking wild what a Robert horry jump shot can do to your mental psyche.

Anyways, going in the game earlier today against Texass, Jesus Chris superstar was leading the AL in all triple crown categories, and child prodigy’s Joel Zumaya and Justin Verlander are tied in ERA at 0.00. Now, e’rybody gettin’ tipsy on that Detroit Tigers Kool-aid, oh yeah!!!!

In one of my earlier “classic” blog entries I said “$MoneyBags$ right now is our starting 1B for next year and for us to even have a chance of winning the World Series, its my opinion that he must hit at least .480 with 80 Hr's and 220 Rbi's and an OBP of at least .800.” Right now, he’s on pace to hit .583 with 135 Hr’s and 216 Rbi’s. Now, that is a dead on motherblogging prediction.

Home opener is tomorrow against Chicago. If your from Detroit, then you already know…you hate Chicago. You hate the bulls, bears, white-sox, blackhawks, etc. If you ever cheer for them, you are out. You’re banned from Michigan. This can be enforced, I know a great deportation guy, he’ll take care of you, and you will be dragged to Toledo or thrown into the nearest great lake.

Alright, I’ll be thur at Comerica tomorrow for the game. The home opener to me is the equivalent of Christmas morning, Halloween and flag day all combined. Its that neat, really. Jeremy Bonderman is going to be Henry Rowengartneresque in the way he puts down those dillholes from Chicago tomorrow. Tigers win 6-1 tomorrow, which will not also be their record by 4:15 pm on Monday.

Tigers Sweep Royals....160 games to go for perfect season

After the Tigers 2 game series against the Royals, the Tigers are as expected in first place alone in the AL Central.

If the tigers continue at this pace, which I'm sure they will, we might see some face melting stats.....here are some examples!

slim rodriguez..... .625 Avg. 82 Hr's 405 Rbi's 243 doubles
The Red Bull....... . 667 avg. 162 Hr's 162 Rbi's 1053 total bases
your 2004 all-star... .375 avg. 162 Hr's 243 Rbi's

BONDERMAN.....32-0 1.35 era. 259 K's 0 BB's
Gambler..........32-0 1.5 Era. 162 K's 0 BB's
Zumaya...... 0.00 Era and every other batter is a strikeout.

also, the Tigers are on pace to score 1377 runs, 1296 Hr's while giving up only 324 runs and giving up 81 Hr's.

Next up, the Tigers head to Texas to sweep the Rangers and personally give out wedgies and noogies to every stupid member of that baseball team. Hopefully, the Bengal belters will have enough time to tour the basement of the alamo while they are in texas before they head back to detroit for the home opener.

Yours truly will be the home opener because I’m skipping school to go watch baseball instead. I know what you’re thinking..."Brady, I saw those commercials! A mind is a terrible thing to waste! Egads!" Don't worry, I'm really smrt. I are spending to much tyme in skool anywaise.

Plus, I'm planning on foregoing my senior year of college in order to enter my name into the MLB draft. Hasta La vista el bloggo

Opening Day Haiku

Tomorrow, the Tigers begin their quest for a world championship. The hated Kansas Shitty royals are the first of many victims on a summer-long slaughter fest with a baseball bat. "Fireballer" Kenny Rogers toes the mound for the Tigers against Scott Elarton. In my excitement, I composed a haiku to express how I feel.

Its opening day
Tigers slay Central Rivals
Royals first victim

Obviously, I'm a supremely talented poet... Anyways, Zack Greinke the young talented pitcher for the Royals would most likely be their opening day starter, but during spring training he left for "personal reasons." In recent interviews such gems about Greinke’s off the field issues have been revealed. Here is a quote from http://www.deadspin.com/sports/baseball/whats-going-on-with-zack-greinke-157692.php...

"An interview with Zack Greinke brings up serious questions about that whole “intellect” thing. When asked if he could have dinner with any famous person, dead or alive, he says, “Brad Pitt.” He also punched his car when he found out Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and cried himself to sleep. Seriously."

Wow, I try to maintain some level of class on this blog and not make fun of personal issues...but wow. I am sincerely cheering for Greinke to make a comeback...completely just so I can heckle the fuck out him and make a millionaire grown man cry.

In sad news, "grizzled" veteran Todd Jones is injured and was placed on the 15 day DL. Amazingly, he’s the only Tiger regular who isn’t ready to start the season.

Unfortunately, I have 2 exams tomorrow. I’ll miss the majority of the game, but I should be back in time to watch the Tigers humiliate the Royals physically and mentally on the way to a 162-0 dream season.