WHO DAT TALKING 'BOUT BEATIN' DEM TIGERS?!

I'm hoping that an update to my diary will wake up the sacred spirits of ole' tiger lore and catapult us to a lengthy winning streak. If a cartoon tiger hopped up on hallucinogens can't do it, then we are just out of luck. Honestly, I'd be all in favor or replacing ye olde English D in favor this. Actually, this is probably a fairly good interpretation of what baseball was like for dmitri young pre rehab. Unfortunately, that realization kind of just depressed me, and there should be nothing depressing about this old logo at all.

"I think Sean Casey has gotten the respect he has because people respect him a lot."
-jim thome

jim thome, master of infinite wisdom said that gem the other day. I was at the chicago game where thome pulled his hamstring the other day. The WAHHHmbulance had to come and take him out of the game. I felt really bad about that, really, i did.

The Tigers made a blockbuster trade the other day acquiring Neifi Perez from the cubs. Honestly, the only thing I like about neifi perez is that his name is neifi. I'm upset we dealt black crowes frontman/single a baseball catcher Chris Robinson for him. Robinson was considered by some to be our best minor league catcher. I think we got neifed bad on that trade, but oh well. I'd still prefer infante playing e'ryday over perez.

Blowing up ipods across the country, I proudly present "Tigers gonna do it again!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1iGuCcVCSI

Tigers travel to Cleveland and NYC to slap around those silly nannies on a road trip. Hopefully, we can beat them emotionally/physically and we will come out better off.

Oh-wee-Oh

After examining this picture for a good 10-15 minutes I still can't conclude whether Magglio is actually a braindead mute, or if he is the new Rico Sauve. I mean, he's autographing his balls. That's either genius, or just so ridiculously Magglio. I honestly don't think I have given him the credit that he deserves.

Anyways, The tigers completed the dreaded Sox/Sox road trip and came back a little bit worse off. I was out of town during the last 4 games of the losing streak, so it's your fault, not mine this happened. I come back to detriot, and blammo, we take two out of three in Bawstan. Shake my hand, and welcome me back home if you see me around.

Verlander has stopped looking Bob Gibsonesque on the mound recently. This is dissapointing, but it could have been easily predicted. Recent examples of this are Liriano, who literally cried after the tigers beat him the last week, and Dontrelle Willis who was a Cy Young candidate but by the 2003 playoffs he worked out of the bullpen. It takes a while for rookie pitchers to get their arms strong enough to be able to endure a 162 game season. Hopefully with Maroth coming back he can help decrease our other starters innings while hopefully being as effective as he was at the beginning of the year. We also dearly miss Rod Allen commenting after every maroth strike how much of an influence Rogers has been on him.

The Tigers are in the midst of an 8 game home stand against texas ranger, and those same pale hosers who swept us the week earlier. The magic number for us to clinch the AL Central title is 36. Obviously, this is pretty much on par with what we all predicted before the season started. Ho-hum.

Rod Allen drinking game

I get zero credit for creating this, but I feel like this could become a very good way to watch Tigers games and also blackout by the the middle of the 5th inning. Feel free to add your own "allenism's" and their respected drinking amount.

THE
ROD ALLEN
DRINKING GAME


1 DRINK ————————————————————————————————————————–––
When Rod says “Mario” or “partner.”

3 DRINKS ————————————————————————————————————————–

When Rod says “elevated.”

When Rod says “skipper.”

5 DRINKS ————————————————————————————————————————–

When Rod makes any kind of reference to a player or his ability being “special”

When Rod says the phrase “oh no he didn’t.”

When Rod says the phrase “from time to time.”

When Rod says “cheese.”

When Rod says “features,” “featuring” or “featured.”

When Rod refers to Leyland as a beauty.

When Rod says “filthy.”

When Rod repeats a statement or point he made earlier in the game.

7 DRINKS —————————————————————————————————————————
Whenever Rod says he talked to someone at batting practice.

When Rod says the phrase “professional hitter.”

8 DRINKS ——————————————————————————————————————————–

When Rod makes reference to his coaching/broadcasting career in Arizona.

When Rod makes reference to Kenny Rogers’ influence on the young pitching staff.
Whenever Rod makes the statement “some kind of _____.” (IE: Some kind of smooth)
Whenever Rod talks about the benefit to a defense when a young pitcher works quickly.

When Mike Maroth is pitching and Rod mentions Tom Glavine’s influence on him.

10 DRINKS ————————————————————————————————————————————–
When Rod asks Mario if he worked out today. » Drink double if he asks this during a home game.
When Rod makes reference to cotton candy. » Drink double if he makes reference to pink cotton candy.
When Rod makes reference to how much fun Pudge is having. » Drink double if it is anyone else.
When Rod makes reference to the Carlos Guillen trade.

When Rod says the phrase “game within the game.”

When Rod says the phrase, “the unintentional, intentional walk.”

When Rod makes reference to how “smooth” any of the Tiger middle infielders are. » Drink double if it is anyone else.

12 DRINKS —————————————————————————————————————————————————–
When Rod makes reference to his playing career. * Rod only had about 50 career ABs, 20 with the Tigers.

20 DRINKS —————————————————————————————————————————————————— ——
When the footage of Rod charging the mound in Japan is shown.


General Silliness 2 drinks may be had when Rod displays general silliness. This optional rule can be applied in group or individual play and can be declared before the game or invoked when the silliness occurs. General silliness can be loosely interpreted as that’s why it’s not technically part of the rules. Experienced players will recognize
this activity which can include stepping over the play by play with yelps, screams or any array of noises, use of non-words, abundant laughing or appearing overly giddy.

We have more wins then last year.

Whenever you share a nickname with NBA great Fred Hoiberg you know you’re destined for great things. What I like about this poster is it honestly looks like a grand total of 8 minutes went into the total production of this poster. What's crazy about this poster is that the picture actually wasn't altered at all. Sean Casey was actually struck by multiple bolts of pinkish lightning when playing during the Reds traditional pinkish hue night. Fortunately, these lightning bolts possessed him with great superpowers such as, the ability to move in a fashion eerily similar to that of Frankenstein and the ability to hit for a high on base percentage. All we had to do to get this, I guess, politically savvy 1st basemen was trade scrub double AA pitcher Brian Rogers. Pittsburgh honestly at this point in the season just doesn't give a flying fuck anymore.

I've honestly not been the mayor’s biggest supporter over the years but I still like this trade. The main thing I like about this trade is it gets Shelton out of the line-up and back in AAA hopefully sacrificing some livestock in order to please the sacred hitting gods. Although not conventional, this method has paid high dividends in the past. Seriously, the last 3 months Shelton has looked like an injured fawn at the plate who is in dire need of TLC that the Mudhens so often provide. The mayor runs on the platform of steady base hits and walks while providing a solid foundation at 1st base. He strictly opposes traditional strong power numbers for a 1st baseman, the ability to run around the bases in under 4 minutes and also he obviously hates terrorism.

Brent Clevlen recently got called up for honestly no apparent reason. When your hitting .240 in AA and struggling with your power #'s...this usually isn't the time that the team with best current record would call you up for the playoff push. This makes more sense though when you consider the fact that A)he almost made the Tigers out of spring training and B) we couldn't call Gomez back up for another 10 or so days. Thankfully, Clevlen has been very "Kalineish" this first couple of games. 2 outfield assists, a batting average around .600 and 2 Hr's over 400 feet. If he could continue his pace of hitting around .600 with one outfield assist and one HR every game he starts, this would also be beneficial.

From the "why the fuck is Todd Jones being asked about his underwear" department of the news this gem came up. When asked what he brings on road trips, Jones replied, "I don't pack any underwear," he said. "I wear it into the park, it gets washed every day and I wear it out of the park. I guess that's weird. I'm not proud of it, but I'm cutting down on space." Well, Todd, I'm not proud of that either. Honestly, if you asked me what was the most disappointing thing to happen to me in the last week, I'd honestly say hearing this about Todd Jones way worse then getting mugged. I apologize in advance if this last paragraph haunts your dreams and cripples your thoughts.

Also, apparently the two dudes that mugged me in the Wood's have been arrested. Apparently, they went after some woman with a knife and robbed her but they caught them a couple hours later. One of them had my cell phone on them still. They probably just really liked hearing my Impemba ringtone. Can't fault them for that. But it sounds like I'm going to get to do one of those high tech police line-ups. I'm actually happy whenever I think about this, because i'm almost at the point where I've convinced myself that Kramer might actually be in my line up.

The Tigers finally head home tomorrow after their exhilarating tour of the worst ballparks in mlb history. The Indians this weekend, and then the Twins. These teams are stupid, so I hope we beat them. That’s pretty much the extent of my in depth analysis for these two series.

ROAR.

35 over .500. Not too shabby, Pahdnuh

Last Tuesday night wasn't a good night. I was robbed at gunpoint while driving in the mean streets of Huntington Woods and had a gun put to my head while my cell phone and wallet were stolen. Eric, who was serving as my Rod Allen for the night also had his wallet stolen and was punched repeatedly in the face. To quote Rod, "They were beatin' on him like he stole something!" Except, obviously he was getting punched and robbed, so I guess that doesn't really fit. Obviously, feeling like you were about to get shot in the back of the head is a lousy feeling, but it's nothing compared to the feeling of losing to Cleveland. The Tigers won the finale, thus taking the series, and all was well again.

Being the first victim of an armed robbery in Huntington Wood's in multiple years is kind of an odd feeling. I mean, being that it was me, that’s a hell of a way to end the slump. Basically, I’m about as surprised that I almost got shot on Dundee as when Alexis Gomez gets a base hit. I found out that since my wallet was taken the two perp's used my credit card 6 times in a matter of an hour or so. What makes this even worse is the fact that they bought gas 6 fucking times, nothing else, just fucking gas. So now I have to live with the fact that my credit card's last dying action went to supporting terrorist regimes. That's a hell of a thing to have on your conscience.

Welp, the Tigers end their road trip by visiting the two ugliest stadiums in the over 100 year history of professional baseball. Obviously, I'm talking about the Metrodome, and Tropicana field. The Twins are now tied with the White Sox. So hopefully we can bash around the Twins and the ghost of Kent Hrbek. True, Hrbek’s not dead, but that man ruined many nights for me when I was wee lad. Luckily we get to face Liriano and Santana in this series, so it's basically safe to assume a sweep is merely a formality in this series.

Here is carlos guillen's walk off HR against the KC.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zk-Ri48dtik&search=detroit%20tigers

The drunk who is filming this from what looks like the Tiger den does a good job of setting the scene. Unfortunately this just stirs up fond memories from my stolen cell phone. No joke, my ring tone was Mario Impemba. It was quite honestly very pathetic. But I loved hearing Impemba's golden vocal chords scream repeatedly "ANOTHER WALK-OFF HOMERUN FOR THE TIGERS!" over and over again. Usually, I'd just let it go straight to voicemail and enjoy it in its entirety.

Here’s a friendly reminder, if you really want a Chalupa from Taco Bell and your in Huntington Wood’s… just remember to weigh the pros and cons. For example, the cheesy/meaty goodness of the Chalupa vs. the possibility of getting shot in the face. Personally, I’d still go with the Chalupa.

Tiger Style

The Tigers extended their lead for overall best record in baseball to 5.5 games. I was at the first and 3rd games of the white sox series. The first game was pretty much the equivalent to being on the recieving end of a kyle farnsworth body slam. The second game was much better. I almost shattered both my fists punching whatever was near me (wall, chair, cat, etc.) after monroe's grandslam. It even almost resulted in a fight with pierzynski. it was terrific, and for your audio pleasure here is dan dickerson spazzing out after the grandslam. Then jim price massages your ear lobes with his unparalleled baseball analysis. Yeah, that last sentence was extremely sarcastic.

http://web.ics.purdue.edu/~ebajek/MonroeGS.wav

The third game was probably the most exciting baseball game I've ever been to. Even though in my life I've probably been to well over 250 tiger games in person...that really isn't saying much. I mean, I think approximately i've seen the tigers play the royals 100 times in mid august when the teams are a combined 75 games under .500. Anyways, the play of the day was marcus thames taking out iguchi at second base. when this happened, I literally swore 15 times in 5 seconds and sincerely hoped that both his shoulders were dislocated and that he landed on his head hard enough that his brain would leak out of his ear. I'm pretty sure that makes me a terrible person, oh well. Tigers won 2-1 after shelton doubled in monroe following the take out slide.

dmitri young is back, literally. He's been called up. I'm not sure who's going to be sent down, but my best guess would be santiago sent down. Obviously, meathook has been pretty terrible for the tigers since after opening day last year. But, if he's not drunk, and not focused on hoe-smackin, he would be exactly what the tigers need. A switch hitting, somewhat power-hitting DH/1b would be perfect for us. Since shelton's deal with the devil apparently ended, he's been about the most replaceable player in the lineup. He'd still be our starter at 1b, but it would be nice to have some flexibility. If young could hit anywhere near his lifetime #'s (.291 avg., 21 Hr's, .348 obp), we would be so much better. Apparently he'll be batting 7th tonight and playing DH.

The Tigers are still rumored to be getting everyone. Along with the recent abreu/soriano rumors, i've heard shawn green, tom gordan, alex rodriguez, shea hillenbrand, smoltz (again), david Dellucci... So, really nothing has changed. Humberto sanchez has basically been involved in every trade rumor. I'd trade him if the price was right. His value is at it's highest following the futures game. It is literally almost impossible to assume that he'll be a great pitcher in the bigs, and we have lots of pitching depth in the minors and basically zero hitting depth. Plus, if we sign the good doctor, dr. destroyer (andrew miller) we'll be in even better shape. No way in hell I'd trade maybin. Honestly, the only players I'd trade him for right now are like albert pujols, or like miguel cabrera...every other player I'd have to think over. It's rumored the nationals asked for sanchez, Jurrjens (another high pitching prospect) AND maybin for soriano. I will stick forks in my eyeballs if this actually happens.

The tigers play the a's this weekend. obviously the park is sold out all 3 games. The Tigers bandwagon has increased by approximately 80 gazillion in the last month. Considering there were only like 10 diehard fans prior to this season, this is quite the change. In the last few weeks I've had atleast 5 girls who couldn't name the color of a baseball (FYI, white, with red stitches) debate with me who the tigers should be pitching/lineup decisions. Usually its something like, "why isn't Verlander pitching? he's so hottttt." My response usually is something like, "he pitched last night, he would injure his arm and be useless the rest of his career." "well, I don't care, he should be pitching, he is sooooooo hot." I then try to immediately change the subject and debate something more meaningful such as who's more musically talented, lindsey lohan or hillary duff. obviously, lindsey.

I apologize in advance if that last paragraph caused mental retardation in any of my readers.

eat em' up tigers.

2nd half haiku

tigers in first place
royals bow down to detroit
all hail leyland now

once again, this picture is strictly for my female readers. It's a legit todd jones bowman rookie card. If i could, I'd get this blown up and post this bia' on my door at my house next year. As cube said, you betta check yo self ‘for you wreck yo self. I think a giant todd jones picture completely illustrates this ice cube lyric. I'm thinking I should start wearing gold chains and and have a neatly manicured 'stache. That might work better then my normal pick-up lines which are rather lackluster..."hey sweetheart, let's get out of here and check out my detroit tigers blog," or, "do you play catcher? because you can catch my screwball....anyday," or "is that the new pussycat dolls song?! those girls are just one giant ball of talent!" See, i'm a mess....so, anyone know a good gold chain place?

last night i was at the game. there were over 32,000 people there for a weekday royals game. this is approximately 300% more people then average at a weekly royals game. our seats were "obstructed view." the foul poll was in the way. that was annoying. in the past, i'd usually use my ticket which i had purchased for under 5$ from a scalper on the street and sit in 35$ seats. Now that the bandwagon is in full force, I'm stuck behind the foul poll. stupid yellow foul poll. stupid mark teahen trying to ruin my night. alas, the tigers won 6-4. hooray! I think that boosted my season record in games I've attended to around 15-5. basically i'm running a shade better then the tigers season winning percentage. so, if any of you are superstitious, I'd definitely recommend taking me to the game.

dmitri young is about to be back from his rehab. hooray rehab! hopefully the newly svelt DY will start hurting baseballs instead of hurting college aged girls.

the tigers are rumored to be after every single baseball player who has hit over 5 hr's in a season and is a lefty. we are rumored to be offering literally everything. so its pointless to try to break any of this down. now, we are even rumored to be after righty's, most notably alfonso soriano. unfortunately, he strikes out a lot which is a big negative. but a huge positive for him is that his name is alfonso. I can't stress that enough. the only other alfonso i can think of is alfonso ribeiro AKA carlton from the fresh prince. laPhonso ellis of the nuggets doesn't count. alfonso green....I like that.

and yes, I'm aware that the tigers music video is down. I received countless complaints about that not working. wait, not countless...one total complaint. one outraged reader is enough for me though, here's a link to the song. its called "who's your tiger" by natives of the new dawn. TURN YOUR SPEAKERS UP, BECAUSE YOUR ARE ABOUT TO ROCK OUT!

http://myspace.com/nativesofthenewdawn

I think we should start a grassroots campaign right now and get this to the top of the TRL countdown. who's with me? oh, no one? ok, well, just enjoy this for what its worth then.

finally, the 2006 tigers have a theme song

the tigers are 31 games over .500...exactly where I thought they'd be. Seriously, stop hyperventilating. I'm pretty sure this is happening. You know Tiger fever has firmly gripped detroit by the go-nads when such gems such as this turn up on the internet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_l_z4tyxpM&search=detroit%20tigers

sure, it no "thong song," but this is going to be the lead track in my new mix cd titled "brady's tiger booty mix 2k8."

The Tigers have one game to go before the all-star break against the mariners. "google" tells me that a mariner is "a man who serves as a sailor." great, they sound tough. thank god, ability to navigate the high seas still has no impact on whether or not you win a baseball game.

a very important international competition takes place today. Yes, the futures game. Humberto sanchez (mudhen extraordinaire) is starting for team world. Cameron maybin is playing for team usa. "lets go shake their hanz." that made absolutely zero sense in this context of this and i'm sure probably 3% of my loyal readers caught that reference. This game will bring back fond memories from the time last year I attended the futures game in a drunken stupor and watched verlander and zumaya at comerica for the first time.

Kenny rogers is most likely going to start the all-star game on tuesday. its kind of ironic that he's starting the game as the AL's best pitcher when in my opinion he's been our 3rd or 4th best pitcher on the tigers staff.

dee-troit tigers are movin' on up, movin' on up!

Tigers bitch-slap national league

is using the word "bitch-slap" innapropriate to use in a title? In short, yes. But after watching the tigers double-broom the past two NL champs and compiling a 13-2 beatdown record overall against the player haters from the NL and a 54-25 overall record…this is pretty much the greatest thing ever to happen. I rank the Tigers 2006 season basically as an equal to getting into college, good health and the future birth of my lefty cy-young/switch hitting robot child that will redefine baseball as you know it.

Right now, its 315 am. I just got home from the bar. If I'm writing in my diary about how much I'm spazzing out about a baseball team at this time, that’s a)exciting, b)radical, c)dreadfully pathetic, like hello? earth to brady, your a turd, do something better with your life, or d) all of the above. I'd like to think it’s a mostly choice "A," but in reality it's for sure more of "C." Instead of resenting this, I guess I just have to embrace my inner-nerdom. Fuck the alpha-betas anyways. Booger is so cool. Did you see that concert they put on at the homecoming games? Who knew pointdexer was so great at the electric violin?, and that Lamar Latrell laid down a funky ass rhyme that made me move my body down to the ground. God, I want a piece of that sweet piece of ass Betty Childs....Alright, I'm clearly losing my focus. Just take it that I got the fever and it’s gripping detroit like a tightly fit speedo.

You might ask why I chose selleck as the picture for this. I did that simply for my 0 or 1 female readers. Well, your welcome, female reader. If you exist that is.

Anyways, the big hoopla surrounding the Tigers basically deals with the potential trades they might do. What is especially entertaining about this is that everyone is stupid and loves talking out of their ass about how they can potentially improve a team winning almost 70% of it's games. Names I've heard as potential targets have been dontrelle willis, john smoltz, barry bonds, cliff floyd, bobby abreau, aubrey huff and a whole host of other schmoes. The only player I potentially want is bobby abreau. This is totally in a deal that involves basically zero of our prospects and zero of our veterans. So, i'm willing to offer dmitri young, recently demoted bobby seay and Kevin hooper for abreau. I'm crossing my fingers, but I don't expect them to bite on this bargain. Even though it's great we are winning now, it’s even more important to secure our future. Making a foolish trade now would be a mistake on par with bay of pigs invasion. We are good now, but we have the potential to be great for the next 5-10 years. So, to make this simple, don't fuck this up, please.

in other news, dmitri young is back! After a tremendous year of screwing trammell, choking his 21 year old GF, checking into the betty ford clinic for rehab and playing terrible baseball to boot, he's back! meathook is in florida attempting to remember how to play baseball and will eventually don the historic mudhen logo. What's terrible about this entire situation is that we desperately could use a switch-hitting power hitter. So, if he can contribute, I wish him the best. He might as well pretend to earn the 8 million+ he's due to make this year.

ozzie guillen recently picked the assistant coaches for the all-star game in pittsburgh this year. In an all-around classy move he decided to pick eric wedge (35-42) and john gibbons (43-34) over jim leyland (54-25). Remember, leyland coached in pittsburgh for only a measly 11 years and won 2 coach of the year honors and brought the pirates to respectability. I'd criticize guillen, but I'm just petrified that he'll just curse me out and use insensitive slurs to discredit me.

The tigers travel to pittsburgh for some more AL/NL rivalry action. I just hope the killer b's (bonds, bonilla and bell) aren't too much for us to overcome. Atleast we got van slyke on our side this time.

Beat the bucs.

ozzie guillen loves the wnba

Recently, all around class act ozzie guillen recieved criticism for referring to jay marriotti as a "fag." Marriotti criticized guillen for demoting sean tracey, a rookie pitcher, who in his MLB debut guillen ordered to hit a batter. Tracey missed, Guillen was pissed, marriotti dissed. guillen after hearing marriotti's criticism had this to say in response, "What a piece of [expletive] he is, [expletive] fag." I'll let you fill in the expletives, but if I had an educated guess, I'd think the quote goes something like "what a piece of fart he is, motherlovin' fag." guillen defended himself by saying that in his country "fag" isn't a homosexual slur. remember, ozzie guillen has played baseball in the mlb for 16 years, and has coached for 3 years. So, i wouldn't really call this excuse especially valid. What I like about this entire situation is I absolutely hate marriotti as well. So this is basically a win-win situation.

My favorite part about this entire thing is guillen trying to defend this. Guillen tried defending himself to another columnist (couch), and was quoted as saying, "Guillen also told Couch that he has gay friends, attends WNBA games, went to a Madonna concert and plans to go to the Gay Games in Chicago." After literally falling out of my chair reading that, I came to the conclusion that Marriotti would be one hell of candidate to be guillen’s “partner” in the 3-legged race at the gay games. Comments like these are absolutely priceless. it's basically the same as saying that I really enjoy Plessy v. ferguson, but I'm not racist because I know black people, and I go to rap concerts. I loved that even when trying to defend himself, he just furthered other stereotypes. That picture of him kissing his son on the lips is definitely fitting here.

The Tigers handled their beeswax by going 5-1 against those bitches from the northside of chicago and the tigers old AL rival the Brewers. I'm extremely heartbroken I missed the majority of these games because it’s a pure delight watching the Tigers pitchers hit. When nate robertson hit an rbi single with 2 outs it was basically the equivalent of chris shelton stealing home in my opinion. The Tigers now head back to detwah for some more interleague delight against the Cardinals where we will certainly brag about our world series win over them a measly 38 years ago.

eat em' up tigers

tigers roar into flag day with best record in the bigs

Another eventful week for the tigers. A 4 game winning streak over the b-jays and d-rays has been NIICE (use borat voice). It's also always interesting when an arrest warrant is put out for one of your highest paid players on the team as well. Apparently, with being fake injured and on the DL, dmitri young had too much to do as he skipped his pre-trial and now faces arrest. He was receiving help from the betty ford clinic for alcohol abuse. I thought it was cute before when my sister always said he was nice to her at 5th avenue, but now that I know that she was just feeding his addiction really T's me off. I'm putting the blame completely on my sister for this one, hopefully the 40 extra lb's he's been carrying around was just built up beer and liquor that has been lodged in his system and when he's clean, this will all magically fall off. Kind of like Jared in that subway commercial wear he tears his fat suit off revealing a leaner and meaner self. Hopefully, meathook will be leaner...but not necessarily meaner, because that got him in trouble before.

The picture up top is from the tigers dramatic comeback win against TB. Of course I was there at that game. At the time granderson came through with the winning hit I was one of about 340 people still left in the stadium and it was the equivalent of christmas morning/halloween and flag day rolled into one. I'll be at the game tonight. Bonderman pitches tonight against former Philadelphia 76'er Mark Hendrickson. This schlub was drafted in the 2nd round by philly, but decided he'd rather become a marginal pitcher in baseball crazy tampa bay. Way to think it through, mark.

Topping the threatdown for this weekend....BEARS. or in this case the cubs. the cubs are stupid and from chicago, so I'm just going to assume everything goes swimmingly this weekend. I'm out of town this weekend so I'm going to miss the entire cubs series. I'm not going to be able to follow the tigers very well because I'll be at a music festival, and that would be a stupid use of my time. I think its pretty safe to assume by the time I get back the tigers will be riding high on a 9 game win streak.

I just want to wish all my readers a happy flag day...and be safe! no one wants to ruin the most sacred of holidays with a foolish flag day injury. If you are of legal age (or have fake id) take it easy. For every flag that you see, this doesn't necessarily give you permission to take a shot.

Dr. Destroyer a Tiger!

On the 6th day, of the 6th month of the year 2006 the Tigers select with their 6th pick a 6'6 Andrew Miller, a lefty hurler from North Carolina. Obviously you might think I might have some hang-ups about drafting the obvious ruler of the dark world to anchor our pitching rotation in the future. Not this time though, the Tigers drafted by basically everyone’s opinion the consensus #1 overall player in the draft at #6. He slipped to us because everyone thought he would be hard to sign, which might be true, but I have faith that Dombrowski will sacrifice 20 virgins to please Miller. Another thing you like is when players make up nicknames for themselves. Miller, obviously a smart guy, came up with the genius nickname "Dr. Destroyer." Even though Miller is leaving after his jr. year...it's always nice to see that he was able to get his doctorate before he graduated.

The Tigers just completed two series against teams that are named after socks. I guess in the early 1900's creativity was at an all-time low and the creators of these names just looked in their closets and blammmo! white and red sox it is. Anyways, both of these series went poorly. The Tigers should have won both series if it wasn't for Todd Jones remembering he's todd jones and giving up a 2 out bottom of the 9th HR to lose and Rodney reverting back to his pre tommy-john surgery days and serving up a pelvis-shattering 3-run HR to new HGH candidate Alex cintron. The Tigers now head to Toronto for a series with the B'jays. Hopefully if they have enough time they'll visit the hockey hall of fame.

US Cellular field I think just climbed in my top 3 in my list of the mostest stupiderest ballparks in baseball. Every single flyball felt like it was going to be gone. 11 Hr's were hit in 3 games. This is even more stupid when all the games were relatively low scoring games. I mean, cintron and polanco each hit Hr's this series. That's stupid. Homeruns should be difficult, thats why I have really grown to like the dimensions of Comerica Park a lot recently. There is not a more exciting play in baseball then a triple. Recently I did a Hr. Derby with two of my BFF's. A total of 3 Hr's were hit between us...I hit 0 of them. Even though this made me cry for the first time in 12 years, this was right. I have no business hitting homeruns after 0 practice in the last 3 years. Instead I was fouling off 45 mph gas or hitting a lazy fly ball into LF. Luckily, I bought some steroids and the next time you see me my head will be the equivalent of a bobble-head and the rest of my body will look like a person who was allergic to bee's who got stung by an entire nest. Who cares about testicles when you have pec's like mine?

"These fans here in Chicago are a black eye, cussing when there are kids around. I mean it's just bad for baseball." - jamie walker

Whats with these fans in chicago? I mean what the fuck is wrong with these shithead southsiders and their foul langauge? They should all be bitchslapped and their kids should be tought some fucking manners. Go eat a shit sandwich you assholes, you pale hosers.

Tigers vs. Sawks, Sucks (red, white)

The Tigers not surprisingly enter June with the best record in all of baseball. Tonight, they start a series against jimmy fallon's Red Sawks. Since I currently am living a life that directly parallels Billy Madison (pre Ms. Vaughn), all I do all way is watch obscure movies on HBO. Unluckily for me, Fever Pitch plays 7 or 8 times a day so I get to watch that on a much too frequently. Literally, the only part I really like in that movie is when drew barrymore gets destroyed by a foul ball off the forehead. Hopefully, she does her own stunts. Anyways, my point is that this sawks series became exponentially more important after suffering through multiple viewings of this movie. Schilling vs. Rogers tonight, Bonderman vs. Wakefield tomorrow, and the marquee matchup...Zach miner vs. Matt Clement. I'll be at Saturdays game. I anticipate clubbing and brutally disfiguring multiple members of REDSOXNATION. Including Dave.

Next, the "motor city kitties" invade Chicago for an all important series with the black sox. If i hear chris berman one more time say "motor city kitties" I'll fucking snap like that goon on Iceland who slashes Adam Banks' already tender wrist. Honestly, I have to change the channel off of my favorite show Baseball tonight when Berman gushes about the Tigers, it makes me that mad.

Anyways, the black sox are led by douche bag extraordinaire ozzie guillen. You might remember him as the light-hitting SS for the sox who hit a paltry .264 for his career and slugged a steroid-suspicious 28 career Hr's in 16 years. Recently, he's become popular for bitching out literally everyone and leading a group of unbelievable turds to a world series. Last year, he called Magglio a "Venezuelen piece of shit." This guy screams class! Also, the team song of last year was by Journey and it was "don't stop believing." Members of the black sox would gather around and bellow this fucking pathetic song whenever a microphone was put in front of them. Notorious Fuckwad Anthony John Peer-zin-skee (i can't spell his name, and no way in hell am i giving him the satisfaction of looking it up) led passionate misty-eyed renditions of journey on multiple occasions. I'm pretty sure when the Cub's Michael Barret punched aj in the face it wasn't because of the collision, it was because he was sick and tired of hearing journey sung on Sportscenter every night. America thanks you, michael.

Tigers up by 2.5 games now, the magic # to clinch the division is hovering right now at just above 100 hundred games. As the homeless guy outside copa says to me almost on a nightly basis "eat em' up tigers, EAT EM' UP!" That guy gets a dollar, everytime.

Tigers sweep 4 game series against AA baseball club

This picture has really nothing at all to do with anything going on at all. I just always thought it would be nice if someone would satisfy one of my boyhood dreams by having dmitri perform in a shakespearean play. Anyways, the "injury bug" has attacked the tigers recently. I’ll tell you, that fuckin' injury bug, every time man.. dmitri suffered what I can believe to be one of the few trips ever to the disabled list primarily just to get "his shit back in order" and patch things up with his 21 year old chicken head GF. Or, just to learn his lines for his performance in macbeth. who knows. Definitely not a strained quad, I can tell you that much.

In an injury that actually affects the team, Mike maroth was placed on the 15 day DL for an inflamed elbow. I was able to watch that first inning of the tigers game yesterday when maroth gave up back to back to back hr's and 6 earned runs while getting one royal out. It’s especially bad when you find out that the power hitting royals have slugged 3 Hr's in one game only one time prior to yesterday. If they match that total in the first inning, then you are pitching like bodussy. You certainly can't accuse the royals of steroids atleast. Losing Maroth is especially more devastating when the expected replacement is jason grilli. grilli is basically the only pitcher on the team who isn't putting up video game type numbers on our staff. I'd prefer Colon to take over the 5th spot, when the day comes when I am manager of the Tigers, I will be able to make those decisions.

The Tigers are 33-14....let that sink in for a minute. With the pistons in the eastern conference finals and the tigers 19 games over .500 in may, I think I must be going to hell. I definitely made a deal with the devil. Totally worth it though, I'll take meaningful baseball over an eternity of damnation without hesitation anytime. The fact the pistons are playing the heat...makes this apparent deal with the devil all the more evident. Honestly, I don't think there is a team I've ever hated more then this heat team. Cakes Walker, Dwayne "I'm going to fall on my ass and get an ass-bruise and act like I just shattered my leg" Wade, ason williams (no J), Alonzo "i almost died of kidney failure, but by the grace of god the raptors signed me and took a chance on me when no team would...but I'm still demanding a trade from those canucks" Mourning, etc. And who can forget the Shaq/ben wallace rap feud after the lakers series? Yeah, that was classic. Shaq laying down dope rhymes that I'd say were comparable to his acting in "Steel" and ben wallace making guest appearances on Skillz' song. Wow, that was some classic stuff there. Especially Riley. yeah, like van gundy really wanted to stop coaching one of the best teams in basketball a handful of games into the season to "spend time with his family." If i were his family...fuck! make that money, man. Nobody needs a stay at home dad when you could be out making millions.

Anyways, I'll probably be sacrificing game 3 of the heat series to go to the tigers/indians game on saturday night. If your there, I won't be hard to find. I'll be the guy enjoying my "diluted" pepsi a little bit too much in right field. I’ll probably also be there Sunday, and 2 of the 4 yankee games and atleast one or two of the bosox series. Should be pretty wild.

go tigers.

you know what first place feels like?... it feels like...like a bag of sand

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy...?

Sparky Anderson said that a baseball team truly can not be judged until the 40 game mark. Well, George is surely doing back flips after the Tigers pulled into the 40 game mark with a COMMANDING one game lead over the black sox and the best record in the MLB.

A lot has happened since my last update. It’s kind of difficult to stay current when you do not have a job and you have to sleep in until 1 pm everyday. Well, the tigers have currently won 7 straight, da-meathook da-beat his da-bitch up, and Zumaya a Marlin? say Whaaaaat?!

Sadly, oft injured DH DY decided that his 21 year old college boo was getting fresh with the meatstick. Did Dmitri Young haveta' choke a bitch?! Apparently, he did, and he's turning himself into the police on monday. Hitting a paltry .192 with 0 HR's thus far and now a domestic violence arrest this might be enough to signal an end to DY's career in Deetwah. No home runs for dmitri this year, instead its been more like hoe, run! after he polishes off a case of zimas. I've always tried to like Young, this first started off when my sister reported to me that he "tips incredibly well" at my uncles bar 5th avenue in Comerica Park. I even did get a kick out him attempting to field a baseball in the field, even if his fielding skills are comparable to a mentally challenged 7th grader. Also, his at-bat music of the ying-yang twins was a family delight! He chose "wait (the whisper song)" who's chorus consists of "Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick, Imma beat dat pussy up." if my face wasn't already botoxed to death, then a steady flow of tears would flow down my face.

Through some fortunate Pedro Cerrano voodoo curse, the Tigers currently have without a doubt the best pitching staff in baseball. Honestly, I can't explain this. We have an old man with anger issues, 2 pitchers who lost a combined 40 games a couple years ago, an underachieving lefty and a green rook. How this somehow equals a team ERA of 3.13 almost 1 full run over the 2nd best team in the AL is simply enough to almost have me suffer a brain aneurysm. We have given up 20 runs less then the 2nd best team in baseball. When I saw this stat, I was momentarily paralyzed from the waist down. And Jay-Z (zumaya) is one of the most dominating relievers in all of baseball.

Recent rumors have said that the marlins might be interested in trading dontrelle willis for zumaya. Honestly, this has given me an intense headache the last 36 hours. Zumaya looks as if he might be a lights-out closer for the next 10 years, while willis is already a cy young caliber lefty who's only 24, but who has a delivery who might make him susceptible to an arm injury. I imagine we'd also have to give up another mid-range prospect probably like a jordan tata or something. I think I developed an ulcer trying to analyze this trade. It really is way to tough to think about, and I hope it just goes away before I develop some other dehabilitating illness as a result of this.

Also, when you suckers were watching the pistons fart away our playoff chances in game 5, I was mostly watching Verlander vs. Santana. Honestly, this was probably one of the best games I've seen in years. Two pitchers who were just dominant until... hell froze over and monkeys flew out of wayne campbell's ass. Vance Wilson hit a 2-run HR in the bottom of the 8th inning leading us to a 2-0 victory. I was a witness alright, Vance Wilson won a game for us.

Tigers play the Reds in interleague baseball this weekend. I'll probably be thurr saturday night, and possibly sunday depending on if the Pistons want to do the equivalent of slapping an elderly woman in the face and beating up a group of kittens and lose in the 2nd round to the Cavaliers. I'm a high roller... I drive a Cavalier. If the pistons lose to the Cavaliers I think I am going to egg the fuck out of my car and beat it senseless with my bloody fists. I Guaransheed this.