World Series Haiku

Tigers Win Pennant
Leyland Shits Solid Gold Bricks
Eat Em' Up Tigers

When North Korea was testing their nuclear weapons last week, I was furious that a potential nuclear holocaust could potentially screw up my watching of the Tigers in the first world series of my lifetime. Does this make me wrong, for sure. But this best of 7 series of baseball that starts tomorrow is more important then nuclear war. Also, I was alive during the 1984 world series but I was only 40 or so days old at the time. I'd like to think that my birth served to rally those Tigers for their pennant and post season run. So, I was in a sense, a rally baby.

As I predicted, Detroit swept Oakland to win the American League Pennant. When Slater hit that ball 650 ft. to win the ALCS I am almost certain vital internal organs spontaneously combusted. I didn't care though, if it takes a new spleen for the Tigers to play for the World Series that is an easy trade-off. I did have a bottle of champagne sprayed into my face and then poured on my head. It's true; the champagne does sting the eyes quite a bit. Also, the way to tell I am actually a full fledged dweeb is my ring tone for my cell phone is Dan Dickerson’s call of the walk-off homerun.

Nelly's St. Louis Cardinals travel to the Bank for game 1 tomorrow. These teams played each other in June, or something, and the Tigers swept. I was at I think 2 out of 3 of these games and I distinctly remember sitting in deep right field fully knowing that I was watching a preview of the upcoming World Series. I wasn't able to get tickets to the World Series, but this is ok. Starting last Monday at 10 am until this minute I've probably spent 10 hours on Ticketmaster typing in those scribbly passwords. If I ever meet the Ticketmaster in real life, I'd have no hesitation of beating him to a bloody pulp with my Detroit Tigers commemorative American League champions bat. Breathe in, breathe out. SERENITY NOW. I wish somehow to get World Series tickets you would have to register how many games you went to during the 2003 season. All of these fans who just joined in this year, that's fine, I'm happy you are here, but you have my world series ticket. It's just that simple.

Obviously, Jeff Weaver and Juan Encarnacion play an integral role on this Cardinals team. Dream Weaver is slated to start game 2 where I'm sure he will receive an incredible ovation by the Detroit faithful and Encarnacion provides protection behind Pujols. CY Young candidate Anthony Reyes starts game 1 for the Lunatics against Verlander. This is literally the most important thing ever, so, why not start Anthony Reyes in game 1.

Go Tigers.

TIGERS CRAP ON YANKEE'S HEARTS

"Attention Steinbrenner and front-office morons! Your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it, and rotate! This is George Costanza. I fear no reprisal. Extension five-one-seven-oh."

The Tigers play Oakland in the ALCS after pantsing the yankee's and there 5.6 billion dollar annual salary. Because I feel so lowly about my reader's IQ level the only way I can truly convey to you how evil the yankee's are is compare them to King Bowsers Kids.

Wendy O. Koopa is Derek Jeter. Game 2 was cancelled solely based on the purpose that the rain would have made Jeter's mascara run. Jason Giambi is Iggy Koopa. This wacked out roid rager was benched for game 4. Bobby Abreu is Ludwig Von Koopa. C'mon, they look exactly alike. A-rod is Roy Koopa. As you can tell, this Koopa has style, but he is just an average crumb-bum that mario easily conquers. Morton Koopa Jr is gary sheffield. If baseball games were won by how strongly you shake your bat pre-pitch then he'd be undefeated. Obviously, this isn't how baseball is won, but he is a terrific 1st basemen. Larry koopa is whore-hay posada. Just a mediocre koopa, just like posada would be considered a mediocre catcher if he didn't play for the yankees. Lemmy Koopa is Johnny Damon. Just like Lemmy Koopa, Damon is wicked bad.

I'm pretty sure the main reason we won this series is Johnny Damon. This fuckwad and his curtain call in the 4th inning of game 2 literally pissed god off so much that he gave joel zumaya super powers to humiliate "the greatest line-up of all-time." If I hear that one more time I'll puke up a lung, I swear. Rogers and Bonderman then obviously gave up a combined 2 runs in 2 games against a lineup with all all-stars. I bought my tickets to game 3 a long time ago and was able to attend game 4 due to the generosity of my reader of the week, Danny Wilson. Wilson, for your great act, I’ll be sending you out a Gene Kingsale autographed baseball and a lovely dinette set.

Also, the celebration after game 4 was the coolest thing I think I've ever seen and totally necessary.

Anyways, on to the ALCS foe OAKLAND. I've been struggling to come up with a reason to truly despise this team. At first, I was going to use the angle that we could crush ex-tiger Hiram Bocachica’s heart, but admittedly that was weak...until, I stumbled upon this steaming pile at http://www.mlbmascots.com/athletics.htm .

“Stomper is the mascot of the Oakland Athletics, a Major League Baseball club. It is an elephant wearing A’s jersey of the number 00. The baseball season is long and Stomper prepares himself to stay fit. As he is the only elephant in the weight room and the only pampered sweet creature, he teases the players with his cute remarks. Before each game, he rides around the field in a little red car “Boogie Buggy” while a song from The Jungle Book movie soundtrack is played.”

I cry thinking about the imbecile who wrote this. Mascot’s generally don’t mean anything, but this is…just…terrible. Stomper actually does make Sir Slam A lot (old pistons mascot) look like royalty. If I ever run into Stomper, I’ll spit at him. He disgusts me.

Tigers in 4. Go Tigers.

Tigers introduce Yankees to the AL DEEZ NUTZ

I don't really want to talk about that epic choke job by the tigers anymore. In my opinion, it was 10 times worse then getting mugged in Huntington woods. I'm getting violently ill just thinking about it. Let's talk ALDS, Det./NY(A).

Detroit Tigers vs. the New York baby killers. It doesn't really get any better then this, ever. Seriously, Tigers vs. kitten beaters, this will be the pinnacle of your life. After this series, we might as well all just wilt away and lie in the fetal position and reminisce about this epic series between the tigers and the New York mark Foley’s. Here are an extremely poor in depth analysis of the tigers upcoming 3 game sweep.

GAME 1. Robertson/wang.
Ok, this Yankee’s team is good, but if your #1 pitcher in the post season is named Wang, I'm not terribly scared. And, I'll laugh every time joe buck says something like "all Yankee’s want Wang in the ass." Anyway's, Tigers win 1-0 on an alexis gomez homerun in the top of the 9th. George the animal Steinbrenner's head explodes. The world rejoices.

GAME 2. Verlander/mussina.
He's nicknamed after a moose. That is dumb. Anyway's, Verlander win's the game and then sleeps with all of the Yankee’s wives/husbands after the game. Because, that's what he does. Tigers beat the New York Slobodan Milosevic lovers 14-0.

GAME 3. Rogers/Johnson.
I could make a cheap joke about his last name being "Johnson," so I will. I will laugh every time Joe bucks say's "Jeter and A-rod love johnson, and I mean they want wang up the ass." Tiger's win 11-0. This is the game I'll be at. I'll be the guy harassing matsui in Japanese all game.

Here's a funny Matsui tidbit I stumbled upon recently. It also put's a whole new twist on his broken wrist injury.

"Of course, he likes to watch his much vaunted porno collection, tapes that he often trades with Japanese reporters. As one Japanese journalist put it, describing Matsui's affinity for such unique Japanese cultural institutions like the no-panties shabu-shabu in Japan, "Matsui is a horny guy. All of us are horny, more or less. But Matsui doesn't attempt to hide the fact." Yet another win for the Japanese Everyman."

Seriously, there is no shortage of material why you should hate the Yankees. They are all despicable excuses of human beings and their black hearts produce carbon dioxide that is ripping apart our ozone. Yes, the yankees are the root cause of global warming. Also, the 200+ million $ yankee's players make is all used to fund terrorism.

Go tigers, save America.