Deep Thoughts

A legendary Tiger from the glory years of my youth

I've been sitting in my 56 degree cubicle of a room repeatedly watching http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYgDjH5buFE&mode=related&search= while slowly rocking back and forth as i progressively slip deeper into lunacy. Even though the Tigers made the World Series, I still am not close to grasping that this actually happened. All of my Tigers memories usually involve guys like C.J. Nitkowski or other stand outs like Kimera Bartee or the Luis Pujols era.

I remember as a kid I went to Cooperstown. I went to the Cooperstown bat manufacturing company. I had an authentic wooden bat made. I kept it in a case and vowed only to let legendary Tigers sign it. At first, I did an admirable job. I think I got Allan Trammell, Mickey Lolich and Kirk Gibson's autographs on it. I was very proud of this bat. That is until that fateful Tigerfest in 1995. Even though I was only 11, I must have been huffing some glue that day or something. Right on the barrel of the bat I got two autographs that day. One was lifetime .260 hitter Chris Gomez and the other was John Doherty who came through with a 5-9 record with a miniscule 5.10 ERA that year. I'm pretty sure I was with my dad at that fateful Tigerfest that took place in Joe Louis Arena. To this day, I hold a little bit of grudge against him for not beating me that day.

This is a happier memory. I'm in 3rd grade, and I'm in latchkey. It's the 2nd game of the season and the Tigers are taking on the Baltimore Orioles. About 20 of us are sitting in centerfield bleachers enjoying this game with about 8,000 other Tiger fans that were scattered throughout Tiger stadium. There was one other group of people in the CF bleachers that day. Luckily for us, they were a group of college students who had probably had one or two too many wine coolers that day. I realize what I'm about to say doesn't sound believable, but I swear it's all true. About halfway through this game it started raining. There was love in the air in this smoggy day in Detroit. These girls treated us to a striptease in the CF bleachers. These were the first bewbs that I will have seen in my life. I know probably that like 3 out of my 5 readers are calling BS on this. The reason the other two aren't, is because they can probably back me up on this. Also, the Tigers won this game in the bottom of the 9th inning. With 1 out and a runner on 3rd they attempted to intentionally walk the batter to set up the DP. The Orioles doofus pitcher threw a wild pitch on an intentional ball allowing the winning run to score. Easily the best day of latchkey in my life. Yes, even better then the day chocolate cake was snack.

Nothing of any importance has happened with the Tigers since the Tigers shook the baseball world to its core with the Mesa signing. I’m seriously debating if hibernation is a feasible option, it’s become that bad.

77 days until opening day.

Extremely Unnecesary 2007 Predictions

Nothing like a holiday season full of clouds and grass to get you so jazzed up for Tiger baseball that if you saw someone walking down the street wearing an AL Central hat other then the Tigers, without hesitation you'd uppercut that poor sap off of the pit into the spikes below. One of the presents I got was a "Detroit Tigers Baseball Champions 2006" shirt from my sick and twisted mother. I can't tell if I did something wrong here, and this is just my mom taking some sick pleasure in watching her son progressively drift into the depths of his own madness. But, I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume that "Baseball Champions" means something different then "World Series Champions." Which, to her credit, there is no doubt that we are indeed the baseball champions.

Well, it's 2007. That was news to me, because, I thought it was already 2k7. I've been playing 2007 videogames since like May, and I don't currently own a calendar nor look at one, ever. So, that means it's time for extremely unnecessary 2007 player by player predictions.

The bellyitchers:
1. Kenny "Dirrrty" Rogers- 4.30 ERA, 14 wins, and will at some point bitch-slap a homeless toddler. But, will be huge for the post-season
2. Justin Verlander-3.85 ERA, 18 wins. For some reason people think it's a given that in the 2nd year a pitcher has to have a down-turn. Since I'm not really basing these predictions on anything, I'll disagree.
3. Bonderman- 3.50 ERA, 22 wins. The year he finally put's it all together. 2nd to Santana in Cy-young, first in the hearts of hillbilly women who swoon after his yokel personality.
4. Robertson- 4.00 ERA, 15 wins. The team actually hit's for him this year and he continues to wear the sexy specs.
5. DR DESTROYER- 3.40 ERA, 12 wins. I see Andrew Miller starting at 5, if not, receiving the majority of the time there. He'll garner much recognition for possible AL ROY and also much recognition for "worst nickname ever."

The magic sticks
1. Granderson- .270, 75 Rbi's, 23 Hr's. Still will not know how to hit a curveball, and I will punch 3 people during the year who tell me they are amazed how "well spoken" Granderson is. 2k8 (2k9 if you are in videogame time) he will break out.
2. Polanco- .285, 55 RBI's, 5 Hr's. His OBP% last year was terrible, and he hits for no power. Which, is probably due to the excess head weight he carries around. This year, he'll be better, but not by much
3. Guillen- .305, 15, 95 Rbi's. Not as strong offensively, but will put up more RBI's then last year with the lineup around him. Still will be a top 3 SS in the league.
4. Sheff- .315, 35 HR's, 120 RBI's. I'm drinking the GaryAde. I think he's going to do big things this year. A top 5 MVP season, and might kill 4 people with foul balls down the LF line
5. Ordonez- .310, 30 HR's, 110 RBI's. Will see much better pitches and be a much better player getting more time at DH. Will cut hair, and female fans will move on to Shelton.
6. Monroe- .280, 30 HR's, 100 RBI's. He'll benefit from seeing better pitches. There was talk we should trade him this off-season. Balderdash. He's literally my favorite belt thief of all-time.
7. Rodriquez- .290, 15, 75 RBI's. Basically the same as last year, unless he starts taking steroids again. Let's just pray that he sacrifices his livelihood for baseball again.
8. Casey- .265, 10 Hr's, 50 RBI's. From the beginning will be talk of taking him out of the lineup. Will then become full-time "good clubhouse guy." Last time I was mad at him, he hit 2 HR's in the World Series. He should probably just play well now.
9. Inge- .260, 25 HR's, 80 RBI's. Will field 30 ball's that no other 3b can field in the league. Will make an errors on 30 ball's that no other 3b in the league would make an error on. Strong power #'s, weak average, OBP. A solid #9 hitter.
10. Neifi Perez- .046, 0 Hr's, 3 Rbi's. He'll amass these stats in 115 games. A part of me will die whenever he takes the field.

What does this all mean? It means I was bored in January. Tough noogies.

POST SCRIPT- Gomez is a Rockie. Not a Tiger anymore.

88 days until opening day.

A Delightful Christmas Story

It's almost 2007 already?! Wow, I can really thank these Detroit Lions for providing a worthy distraction to the lack of baseball. Their inspiring march to the worst record almost made me forget about the Tigers news that shook earth to its core, yes, the Tigers signed all-around class act Jose Mesa! Mesa, most famous for being old, crotchety and an average pitcher joins the Tigers bullpen.

Literally one of my favorite stories in baseball in the last decade has been the Mesa/Omar Vizquel feud. In Vizquel's masterful epic, "Omar! My Life On and Off the Field," he blames Mesa for losing the world series to the Marlin's. Yikes. This slightly perturbed Mesa and he has stated publicly that "he wants to kill him" multiple times. Omar, the D-bag author extraordinaire responded "I don't know if that's really what he meant when he said that," "Sometimes we would say in Spanish, 'I'm gonna kill you.' But in the translation, that's not really what we meant." Well, that seems somewhat plausible, unfortunately, Mesa was serious.

It's a shame that the public demand alone literally made it impossible for Omar Vizquel not to write this autobiography. Since the book, Mesa has vowed to hit Vizquel everytime...and he has, all 3 times they've met. "I will not forgive him. Even my little boy (Jose Jr.) told me to get him. If I face him 10 more times, I'll hit him 10 times. I want to kill him." Asked later if he'd accept an apologo from Vizquel, Mesa responded with "If he comes to apologize, I will punch him right in the face. And then I'll kill him.” I love that he makes it clear before "killing him" that he intends to punch him in the face first. Mesa also has been accused of rape, for testing out his umm, uhh his split finger grip on an unsuspecting female he was wooing.

Since this little episode, Mesa has gone on for many years of mediocrity, luckily we signed him for cheap and only one year. He'll likely take time away from Grilli in the bullpen and add a notable old man stench to the pitching staff.

The mysterious wrist injury that caused Zumaya to miss time during the ALCS was finally solved. Guitar Hero 2 for the Playstation was the culprit in this instance. Yes, our most dominant pitcher missed the ALCS because he was playing the video game guitar too hard. Well, at first admittedly I thought that his acting debut in those Comcast high speed internet commercials were the reason. Without going into detail...I just thought he might have enjoyed his high speed internet...a bit too much. Sadly, his reason for missing the ALCS might actually be more pathetic then that.

In super-fantastically awesome news, the Tigers reached a 4 year agreement with Bonderman for 38 million. This is actually less then I thought he'd get, but maybe he just really enjoys making snowmen.

104 days until opening day.

12/5, Obscure Ex-Tiger of the day

The Detroit Tigers shocked the baseball world bringing in this sure-fire 1st ballot Canadian hall of famer to spark a run into the post-season in 2006. His rugged good looks and looping lefty uppercut swing swooned the hearts of many a lady in Detroit, but the Tigers decided not to bring Matt back. His 14 game stint produced immediate dividends as he hit a robust .244 with 3 HR's. Actually, his dramatic homerun in bottom of the 8th inning against the Royals on the last day of the season looked as if it would win us a division. But, the Royals were just too good.

Matt finished #17 in the AL balloting for MVP in 1999, but, to anyone who knows this gentle giant, he easily finished #1 in our hearts. I don't know if another stint with an MLB team in his future, if not, I always thought he'd make an excellent lumberjack. Feel free to share your true, or untrue stories of the certified beefcake.

Finally...it's here. The much ballyhooed ROD ALLEN CHARGING THE MOUND VIDEO HAS BEEN FOUND. Go here, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw8iF9Zxaz0

If you are still playing the Rod Allen drinking game, even though it's the off-season...this clip calls for you to drive to the nearest state that sells Everclear and down this bottle quickly as possible. After every shot, yell your favorite "Rodism" as loudly and as slurred as possible. Also, the fact that this video sounds like it's from the Japanese equivalent of America's Funniest Home Video's actually adds to the enjoyment value immensely.

Alright, now on to actual Tiger news. As any person with a pulse can tell you, the WINTER MEETINGS are going on right now. The only way I can rationally explain the importance of these meetings is by saying that they are "the superbowl of the MLB off-season," which, in essence, makes it mostly meaningless. The Tigers are thought to involved in some potential trades. The two biggest names being thrown around are Craig Monroe and Mike Maroth. Considering I hear about 10 halfbaked Tigers rumors a day, I doubt anything will happen.

117 days until opening day

Single A Champions

It’s the last week of November, get out the tequila, you know what time it is! What's that you screamed at your computer screen? Yep, you nailed it, the release of the annual ranking of baseball prospects!

No real surprises here in the Tigers top 5. Cameron "megajesus" Maybin top's the list followed by the good doctor, Andrew Miller. Brent Clevlen comes in at 3rd. And, I'm sure all of 4 of my readers are extremely upset with me that I didn't include a "Clevlen Rocks!" joke here. I'd apologize, but I really wouldn’t mean it. That show made me upset. This just reminded me how much I hated Whose line is it anyway?....Serenity now... My main man Jair "mcnair" Jurrjens is #4 with Jordan "the hata" Tata rounding out the top 5.

If I had to place a value on a 1-10 scale of each of how important these prospects are to the Tigers organization, this is how I’d do it. Tata-7, Jurrjens-8, Clevlen-7, Miller-9.5 and finally Maybin I’d give a 14.

In other random news, Sheffield continues to brag about giving noogies to Abreu in the Yankee’s lockeroom, and Casey is back for another year. You’d really think that signing a 1^st baseman would emit a reaction from me, but I’m amazingly numb to this whole thing. Casey was a wang-tang disappointment for the season, but he really was the only good player on the Tigers this World Series. Besides Rogers, who pitched with pine tar on his hand which the media basically equated to pushing elderly women down flights of stairs.

Going into this off-season, I really would not have been opposed to moving Guillen to 1^st and picking up a 3B and moving Inge to SS. The production Guillen gives you at SS is pretty sexy, but the amount of errors he committed were bogus and I worry about his range with his knee. With him at 1B, this really isn’t a concern whatsoever. Inge has terrific range at 3B, but the SS has more balls hit to him so it might be prudent to take advantage of his range and arm strength and move him to SS. Plus, Inge’s #’s are pretty sub-par for a 3B. There are many upgrades available. At SS, his .253 average and 27 Hr’s still make for a pretty above average SS. Well, maybe next year. Guillen is solid fundamentally, and he was healthy all of last year, so I look for some improvement to his consistency.

It’s the end of November, so I feel it is now safe to assume that the Tigers roster will remain completely unchanged in the next 5 months. So, I feel it’s the perfect time to introduce the starting lineup if I were manager.

1. Granderson
2. Polanco
3. Guillen
4. Sheffield
5. Ordonez
6. Rodriguez
7. Monroe
8. Casey
9. Inge

My projected Leyland lineup. Logically it makes zero sense. But this seems to be how his twisted brain works.

1. Rodriguez
2. Monroe
3. Sheffield
4. Casey
5. Ordonez
6. Granderson
7. Guillen
8. Polanco
9. Inge

Sadly, this is the kind of nonsense that I doodle during all of the expensive classes I go to. Yes, I create hypothetical lineups and I draw pictures of me on the Tigers robbing homeruns in center field. Don’t judge.

Buck up, 124 days until opening day and 92 days until we mervin the Phillies.

Tigers Acquire Pedro Cerrano

When I found out the Tigers traded for Gary Sheffield I ran around the house in a frenzy. The only way I can describe it would be comparing it to the Ultimate Warrior running into the ring and annihilating Randy Savage and then doing the legendary Warrior Spaz out in the middle of the ring. In a sense, Sheffield reminds of the Ultimate Warrior. Both have been accused of steroids and both are at their absolute best when you make them angry.

The Sheffield batting stance bat wiggle has scared me shitless for the last 14 years of my life. It has also inspired little league baseball players across the nation to have absolutely horrific batting stances. This trade provides us with arguably a top 10 hitter that is universally feared to bat in the middle of our line up. In his last 3 healthy seasons he hit no worse then .290, 121 Rbi's and 34 Hr's. Wa wa wi wa! He also provides a rock in the middle of the lineup that is patient at the plate and finished in the top 10 in MVP voting in his last 3 years. His injury was completely fluky last year, and he has been cleared to be healthy going into next year. If you remember during game 4 he hit 4th in the "most feared lineup of all-time" for the Yankees.

A lot of haters have been upset with who we gave up for Sheffield. We gave up arguably our best pitching prospect not named Andrew Miller in Humberto Sanchez and also gave up two single A pitchers most notably Kevin Whelan. If you are a goober like me, you'll remember Sanchez had arm trouble last year and was unable to finish the year. Also, he is a large man and some doubt that with his chunkiness he'd ever be healthy for an entire year. He is a great talent, no doubt, but a) he's unreliable right now and b) there's a 99.5% he won't play in Detroit next year. Also, as long-time depressed Tiger fans we've really only been able to be excited about our prospects in the last decade. We over value them way too much. Unless you started being a Tigers fan last year, you have no idea how many prospects failed miserably. Everyone isn't Zumaya or Verlander.

Our lineup is getting pretty fogeyish; the time to win is now. We traded ZERO major league players and added Sheffield. His presence in the middle of the lineup should allow all of our players to see better pitches and should help us out top to bottom. With Jair Jurrgens, Tata and Miller providing depth, we will be alright.

Verlander won ROY, Leyland won coach of the year. In other news, water is still wet.

Smoke on the Walker is most likely to be an Oriole in the next couple of days, and the Tigers are rumored to be involved with many potential free agents/trades. People actually being somewhat excited to play in Detroit for the first time in my lifetime is literally setting this up to be one of the more sexy off seasons of our lifetime.

Here is your bonus for reading all of this mindless dribble. http://youtube.com/watch?v=SNEd4KH_A4s

136 days until opening day.

2ND PLACE!

First off let me apologize personally to all my loyal readers, all 7 of you. I know after the World Series ended you've been on this website refreshing it every 5 minutes only for my drab, depressing World Series preview to pop up. Well, good news, I'm done pouting and ready to accept reality.

After punching a hole in a wall in my house after game 4 and literally almost having man tears come down my face as I was dressed as Master Splinter during a Halloween party at my house during game 5...I feel like I'm almost ready to embrace the off-season. Almost. First off, I want to give a hearty wag of the finger to the Tiger's World Series performance. It's incredibly bittersweet that the Tigers played their two worst weeks of baseball during the last week of the regular season and the World Series which cost us a division and world championship. 5 errors in 5 games by the pitchers. I felt like my heart got mcgahee'd. This was simply one of the stupidest championship performances I've ever seen.

Now, that I've once again needlessly depressed myself yet again, I'm starting to twitch uncontrollably at the thought of 2007. Our pitching should be as good if not better then this year. With Don Slaught "wanting to spend time with his family," hopefully Leon Durham will be promoted and we can learn one of the basic rules of baseball, that is taking a pitch and swinging at the pitch you want and not being at the mercy of the pitcher every game. One of the most important off-season moves was already made, and that was re-signing Dombrowski to a 4 year extension. Even though I still might want to judo chop him for the 2003 season, he has proven that he is one of the elite GM's in all of baseball. I mean, we traded an attempted ax murderer for the future ALCS MVP. That's smarts.

This off-season is going to be to be sexy. So far, we've been rumored to be acquiring Barry Bonds, Manny Ramirez, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Carlos Lee, Alfonso Soriano, Frank Thomas, Adam Dunn, Aramis Ramirez, Mark Teixeira just to name a few. We are also rumored to be trading everyone not named Zumaya, Verlander and Guillen. So, this might actually be interesting.

146 days until opening day, Go Tigers.

World Series Haiku

Tigers Win Pennant
Leyland Shits Solid Gold Bricks
Eat Em' Up Tigers

When North Korea was testing their nuclear weapons last week, I was furious that a potential nuclear holocaust could potentially screw up my watching of the Tigers in the first world series of my lifetime. Does this make me wrong, for sure. But this best of 7 series of baseball that starts tomorrow is more important then nuclear war. Also, I was alive during the 1984 world series but I was only 40 or so days old at the time. I'd like to think that my birth served to rally those Tigers for their pennant and post season run. So, I was in a sense, a rally baby.

As I predicted, Detroit swept Oakland to win the American League Pennant. When Slater hit that ball 650 ft. to win the ALCS I am almost certain vital internal organs spontaneously combusted. I didn't care though, if it takes a new spleen for the Tigers to play for the World Series that is an easy trade-off. I did have a bottle of champagne sprayed into my face and then poured on my head. It's true; the champagne does sting the eyes quite a bit. Also, the way to tell I am actually a full fledged dweeb is my ring tone for my cell phone is Dan Dickerson’s call of the walk-off homerun.

Nelly's St. Louis Cardinals travel to the Bank for game 1 tomorrow. These teams played each other in June, or something, and the Tigers swept. I was at I think 2 out of 3 of these games and I distinctly remember sitting in deep right field fully knowing that I was watching a preview of the upcoming World Series. I wasn't able to get tickets to the World Series, but this is ok. Starting last Monday at 10 am until this minute I've probably spent 10 hours on Ticketmaster typing in those scribbly passwords. If I ever meet the Ticketmaster in real life, I'd have no hesitation of beating him to a bloody pulp with my Detroit Tigers commemorative American League champions bat. Breathe in, breathe out. SERENITY NOW. I wish somehow to get World Series tickets you would have to register how many games you went to during the 2003 season. All of these fans who just joined in this year, that's fine, I'm happy you are here, but you have my world series ticket. It's just that simple.

Obviously, Jeff Weaver and Juan Encarnacion play an integral role on this Cardinals team. Dream Weaver is slated to start game 2 where I'm sure he will receive an incredible ovation by the Detroit faithful and Encarnacion provides protection behind Pujols. CY Young candidate Anthony Reyes starts game 1 for the Lunatics against Verlander. This is literally the most important thing ever, so, why not start Anthony Reyes in game 1.

Go Tigers.

TIGERS CRAP ON YANKEE'S HEARTS

"Attention Steinbrenner and front-office morons! Your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it, and rotate! This is George Costanza. I fear no reprisal. Extension five-one-seven-oh."

The Tigers play Oakland in the ALCS after pantsing the yankee's and there 5.6 billion dollar annual salary. Because I feel so lowly about my reader's IQ level the only way I can truly convey to you how evil the yankee's are is compare them to King Bowsers Kids.

Wendy O. Koopa is Derek Jeter. Game 2 was cancelled solely based on the purpose that the rain would have made Jeter's mascara run. Jason Giambi is Iggy Koopa. This wacked out roid rager was benched for game 4. Bobby Abreu is Ludwig Von Koopa. C'mon, they look exactly alike. A-rod is Roy Koopa. As you can tell, this Koopa has style, but he is just an average crumb-bum that mario easily conquers. Morton Koopa Jr is gary sheffield. If baseball games were won by how strongly you shake your bat pre-pitch then he'd be undefeated. Obviously, this isn't how baseball is won, but he is a terrific 1st basemen. Larry koopa is whore-hay posada. Just a mediocre koopa, just like posada would be considered a mediocre catcher if he didn't play for the yankees. Lemmy Koopa is Johnny Damon. Just like Lemmy Koopa, Damon is wicked bad.

I'm pretty sure the main reason we won this series is Johnny Damon. This fuckwad and his curtain call in the 4th inning of game 2 literally pissed god off so much that he gave joel zumaya super powers to humiliate "the greatest line-up of all-time." If I hear that one more time I'll puke up a lung, I swear. Rogers and Bonderman then obviously gave up a combined 2 runs in 2 games against a lineup with all all-stars. I bought my tickets to game 3 a long time ago and was able to attend game 4 due to the generosity of my reader of the week, Danny Wilson. Wilson, for your great act, I’ll be sending you out a Gene Kingsale autographed baseball and a lovely dinette set.

Also, the celebration after game 4 was the coolest thing I think I've ever seen and totally necessary.

Anyways, on to the ALCS foe OAKLAND. I've been struggling to come up with a reason to truly despise this team. At first, I was going to use the angle that we could crush ex-tiger Hiram Bocachica’s heart, but admittedly that was weak...until, I stumbled upon this steaming pile at http://www.mlbmascots.com/athletics.htm .

“Stomper is the mascot of the Oakland Athletics, a Major League Baseball club. It is an elephant wearing A’s jersey of the number 00. The baseball season is long and Stomper prepares himself to stay fit. As he is the only elephant in the weight room and the only pampered sweet creature, he teases the players with his cute remarks. Before each game, he rides around the field in a little red car “Boogie Buggy” while a song from The Jungle Book movie soundtrack is played.”

I cry thinking about the imbecile who wrote this. Mascot’s generally don’t mean anything, but this is…just…terrible. Stomper actually does make Sir Slam A lot (old pistons mascot) look like royalty. If I ever run into Stomper, I’ll spit at him. He disgusts me.

Tigers in 4. Go Tigers.

Tigers introduce Yankees to the AL DEEZ NUTZ

I don't really want to talk about that epic choke job by the tigers anymore. In my opinion, it was 10 times worse then getting mugged in Huntington woods. I'm getting violently ill just thinking about it. Let's talk ALDS, Det./NY(A).

Detroit Tigers vs. the New York baby killers. It doesn't really get any better then this, ever. Seriously, Tigers vs. kitten beaters, this will be the pinnacle of your life. After this series, we might as well all just wilt away and lie in the fetal position and reminisce about this epic series between the tigers and the New York mark Foley’s. Here are an extremely poor in depth analysis of the tigers upcoming 3 game sweep.

GAME 1. Robertson/wang.
Ok, this Yankee’s team is good, but if your #1 pitcher in the post season is named Wang, I'm not terribly scared. And, I'll laugh every time joe buck says something like "all Yankee’s want Wang in the ass." Anyway's, Tigers win 1-0 on an alexis gomez homerun in the top of the 9th. George the animal Steinbrenner's head explodes. The world rejoices.

GAME 2. Verlander/mussina.
He's nicknamed after a moose. That is dumb. Anyway's, Verlander win's the game and then sleeps with all of the Yankee’s wives/husbands after the game. Because, that's what he does. Tigers beat the New York Slobodan Milosevic lovers 14-0.

GAME 3. Rogers/Johnson.
I could make a cheap joke about his last name being "Johnson," so I will. I will laugh every time Joe bucks say's "Jeter and A-rod love johnson, and I mean they want wang up the ass." Tiger's win 11-0. This is the game I'll be at. I'll be the guy harassing matsui in Japanese all game.

Here's a funny Matsui tidbit I stumbled upon recently. It also put's a whole new twist on his broken wrist injury.

"Of course, he likes to watch his much vaunted porno collection, tapes that he often trades with Japanese reporters. As one Japanese journalist put it, describing Matsui's affinity for such unique Japanese cultural institutions like the no-panties shabu-shabu in Japan, "Matsui is a horny guy. All of us are horny, more or less. But Matsui doesn't attempt to hide the fact." Yet another win for the Japanese Everyman."

Seriously, there is no shortage of material why you should hate the Yankees. They are all despicable excuses of human beings and their black hearts produce carbon dioxide that is ripping apart our ozone. Yes, the yankees are the root cause of global warming. Also, the 200+ million $ yankee's players make is all used to fund terrorism.

Go tigers, save America.

YOU SCARED!? Tigers in the playoffs

If you are anything like me, you've locked yourself in a room and have been blaring "the final countdown" on volume 11, while playing with your jim leyland homemade doll that you made out of playdough in anticipation for the final weekend of regular season baseball. Hopefully, for your sake, you are not like me. But in my conscious life I've never been alive to appreciate the enormity of what is going on. The best way I can describe this final weekend is 9/11, aids, and the plague all mixed together in a bowl, and then blown up with a nuclear bomb and then you get the importance of this series with the royals.

As you know, the tiggers and twins are tied. we hold the tie breaker. We need to at least match their record for home field advantage in the 1st round. This is of uber importance to me because I was ticketmaster's bitch and was there at 10 am and sold my soul for standing room tickets to game 1. If the Tigers hold on, the game is Tuesday....the same day as one of my tests. Being the scholar student that I am, I told my teacher flat out that I couldn't make the test and put myself on her mercy. The test was only worth 30% of my final grade...so it was definitely worth it. Thank god my charming wit and electrifying good looks melted her heart and she told me I could go to game 1. What a prof!

Anyways, the tigers clinched a playoff spot in KC the other day. They held a "low key" 220 bottles of champagne celebration. This pretty much was one of the top 5 moments of my life. Remembering this celebration, I'm a little verklempt right now. Give me a second. Talk amongst yourselves ... There I feel better. Todd Jones crying. it had it all. This might be crazy talk, but in my opinion, the tigers should make the playoffs every year.

While I'm writing this, the tigers are beating the royals like they stole something. they are up 5-0. I'm not making this up, Rod was talking about one of his cousins and said, ""He's named Luigi Mario .. and hes a brother."....if you're playing at home, that qualifies as "general silliness." drink up.

The most important thing in the history of mankind

Intense rivalries are what makes competition great. Rivalries such as red sox/yankees, Duke/UNC, Red vs. Black from Wild N' Out and finally detroit/chicago have raised the stakes significantly. Starting tonight, the tigers take on the black sox in the most important series in Tigers baseball in almost 20 years. The Tigers have been steadily farting away their lead in the Central/Wildcard and enter today 1 game up over the Nick Punto lead minnesota Twins. If the Tigers manage to miss the playoffs this year, I'm literally going to hibernate this winter. This is a fact.

Let's break down this series a little bit.
Kenny Rogers vs. Mark turdley tonight. I'm hoping Rogers sets the tone early and nails Dye and Crede in the ribs with 84 Mph fastballs. Obviously, they are then out for the season. Tigers win 37-0.

Justin Verlander vs. Freddy Turdcia. Tigers put in major league 2 prior to the game, remember what a cocky SOB jack parkman was and verlander strikes out jim thome 3 times with the eliminator, the terminator, and of course the masturbator. Tigers win this game 1-0 when neifi perez "has an angel" and hits his first career ball out of the infield for the game winning sac fly.

Jeremy Bonderman vs. Jon Turdland. This game is a laugher the entire way. The Tigers win this game 34-7. The White sox are effectively eliminated from the playoffs ensuring the tigers the wildcard at worst. Jim Leyland can finally remove the last slide showing off Mike Illitch's boobs.

In other news, The tigers signed another sub par LH hitter. This time, Matthew Wade Stairs gets the chance. Remember when everyone was spazzing out in june about our dire need for a left hand bat? and that Leyland said that we weren't just looking for LH bat just for the sake of having a LH bat, the player must also be good at baseball?... yeah, well, apparently we are fibbers. Also, Polanco said yesterday he is out for the year. The team said he isn't, but we are fibbers like I said before.

and, just for the hell of it, here's Harry Dunne singing about the Tigers. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1qyAfxLkeg

go tigers.

Now that the lions are out of contention, Go Tigers.

Neifi Perez is the Pussycat Dolls of major league baseball. Both have very little talent but both for whatever reason see lots of playing time. Some other hopelessly devoted schmoe created this website, http://www.fireneifi.com/ . This website really doesn't do it for me, first off, if I had created an anti-neifi website the address would be http://www.punchneifiintheface.clownpenis.fart . For the three of you who got clownpenis.fart joke, i hope you enjoyed it. And for the other three of you who clicked on that hoping it was a real website, I'm sorry, it's not real, but you're an idiot.

Obviously, the shocking news of the week is the sudden release of dmitri young. This really came out of nowhere, and that's why it annoys me so much. A general rule of thumb is you do not release your #3 hitter in september during a pennant race. Obviously, he was a sucky 3 hitter, but this still shouldn't be happening in september. He should have been dealt with much earlier.

The Tigers are 1.5 games up in the al central. Hopefully, Leyland has a risqué picture of mike illitch in the locker room and every time they win, they remove a slide. If it worked in major league, it works in the major leagues. and if you just vomited something up after reading that sentence, thank you for reading this far.

This upcoming home stand against $texas$ and the orioles is crucial. It's definitely more important then school, and my general mental health combined. The Tigers are starting to get some players back from injuries. Maroth and guillen returned...still no polanco. If neifi takes his spot again, I'll bash myself with a hammer every time that neifi either hits a dribbler to the 3rd basemen on a half swing, or pops up a bunt with no one on base. I'm most likely going to have intense surgery in the near future. If I'd have to compare sean casey's and neifi perez's play of late to a disease...cholera would be the easy choice. Yes, leaky anus would be the perfect way to describe these two, Casey is hitting .065 in september with a .065 OBP%. This is so bad. I could do this, and for once I might not be incredibly overestimating my skills. I think I could easily hit .080 with an obp% of around .110 or something. Ok, i'm overestimating my skills, but the fact that I actually just debated with myself if I could play better then a professional getting paid around 8 mill a year in a pennant chase is pretty terrible.

Kevin Hooper played in a game recently. This really has nothing to do with anything, other then i think it's great that the tigers and the Make-a-wish foundation have such a great relationship. Also, AC Slater is starting to swing the bat well for the Tigers again. If Slater can improve his RF play and his knee holds up, he still might get that scholarship to Iowa.

EAT EM' UP TIGERS.

"WOOOOOWEEEEE"

If you're confused about the meaning of this title, go to this and watch it a couple thousand times... http://youtube.com/watch?v=JKF8M8fM44E. This homerun was easily the most important Tiger home run I've seen in my life. I'm not counting anything pre 1990, because I'd equate my intelligence at the time to a brain dead fetus. I wouldn't even be surprised if Rod Allen talked to Craig Monroe during batting practice, and this had a calming influence on him which allowed him to hit the clutch homerun.

Another important thing happened in that series against the new york king bowsers, the mlb debut of andrew miller. The good doctor came in and pitched a scoreless inning of relief. Usually when a player is drafted in the mlb, it takes him a couple years minimum. For miller, he pitched 9 innings total in Single A ball and we decided he was ready. Could you imagine making your MLB debut, in yankee stadium, during the middle of a pennant race? The only debut that I think was more anticipated was the debut of steve nebraska in the scout. and that movie sucked.

OBSCURE EX-TIGER OF THE DAY....Nook Logan

This former Tiger was traded to the Washington Nationals for a player to be named later. Obviously, we got the better end of this trade. This former Fanatic U spokesman, made "speedy" sanchez look like Lou Brock. (see the commercial here, http://www.fanaticu.com/customer/home.php click on CMO AND DMITRI under "commercials). Nook will probably serve as a lifetime pinch runner, because, well, he can't do anything else remotely well. This much ballyhooed CFer will fade into Tiger's lore as one of the least talented "baseball" players to ever wear ye olde' english D.

While i was concocting this think piece, the zumaya comcast commercial came on. Is comcast high speed internet really as fast as a zumaya fast ball? Oh man, that commerical is well done.

Today is my 22nd birthday. World peace, eternal happiness, those are swell, but I'd definitely rather have a Tiger's series win over the mariners. Or, Rod Allen to show up at my birthday party at Discovery Zone.

WHO DAT TALKING 'BOUT BEATIN' DEM TIGERS?!

I'm hoping that an update to my diary will wake up the sacred spirits of ole' tiger lore and catapult us to a lengthy winning streak. If a cartoon tiger hopped up on hallucinogens can't do it, then we are just out of luck. Honestly, I'd be all in favor or replacing ye olde English D in favor this. Actually, this is probably a fairly good interpretation of what baseball was like for dmitri young pre rehab. Unfortunately, that realization kind of just depressed me, and there should be nothing depressing about this old logo at all.

"I think Sean Casey has gotten the respect he has because people respect him a lot."
-jim thome

jim thome, master of infinite wisdom said that gem the other day. I was at the chicago game where thome pulled his hamstring the other day. The WAHHHmbulance had to come and take him out of the game. I felt really bad about that, really, i did.

The Tigers made a blockbuster trade the other day acquiring Neifi Perez from the cubs. Honestly, the only thing I like about neifi perez is that his name is neifi. I'm upset we dealt black crowes frontman/single a baseball catcher Chris Robinson for him. Robinson was considered by some to be our best minor league catcher. I think we got neifed bad on that trade, but oh well. I'd still prefer infante playing e'ryday over perez.

Blowing up ipods across the country, I proudly present "Tigers gonna do it again!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1iGuCcVCSI

Tigers travel to Cleveland and NYC to slap around those silly nannies on a road trip. Hopefully, we can beat them emotionally/physically and we will come out better off.