Tigers bitch-slap national league

is using the word "bitch-slap" innapropriate to use in a title? In short, yes. But after watching the tigers double-broom the past two NL champs and compiling a 13-2 beatdown record overall against the player haters from the NL and a 54-25 overall record…this is pretty much the greatest thing ever to happen. I rank the Tigers 2006 season basically as an equal to getting into college, good health and the future birth of my lefty cy-young/switch hitting robot child that will redefine baseball as you know it.

Right now, its 315 am. I just got home from the bar. If I'm writing in my diary about how much I'm spazzing out about a baseball team at this time, that’s a)exciting, b)radical, c)dreadfully pathetic, like hello? earth to brady, your a turd, do something better with your life, or d) all of the above. I'd like to think it’s a mostly choice "A," but in reality it's for sure more of "C." Instead of resenting this, I guess I just have to embrace my inner-nerdom. Fuck the alpha-betas anyways. Booger is so cool. Did you see that concert they put on at the homecoming games? Who knew pointdexer was so great at the electric violin?, and that Lamar Latrell laid down a funky ass rhyme that made me move my body down to the ground. God, I want a piece of that sweet piece of ass Betty Childs....Alright, I'm clearly losing my focus. Just take it that I got the fever and it’s gripping detroit like a tightly fit speedo.

You might ask why I chose selleck as the picture for this. I did that simply for my 0 or 1 female readers. Well, your welcome, female reader. If you exist that is.

Anyways, the big hoopla surrounding the Tigers basically deals with the potential trades they might do. What is especially entertaining about this is that everyone is stupid and loves talking out of their ass about how they can potentially improve a team winning almost 70% of it's games. Names I've heard as potential targets have been dontrelle willis, john smoltz, barry bonds, cliff floyd, bobby abreau, aubrey huff and a whole host of other schmoes. The only player I potentially want is bobby abreau. This is totally in a deal that involves basically zero of our prospects and zero of our veterans. So, i'm willing to offer dmitri young, recently demoted bobby seay and Kevin hooper for abreau. I'm crossing my fingers, but I don't expect them to bite on this bargain. Even though it's great we are winning now, it’s even more important to secure our future. Making a foolish trade now would be a mistake on par with bay of pigs invasion. We are good now, but we have the potential to be great for the next 5-10 years. So, to make this simple, don't fuck this up, please.

in other news, dmitri young is back! After a tremendous year of screwing trammell, choking his 21 year old GF, checking into the betty ford clinic for rehab and playing terrible baseball to boot, he's back! meathook is in florida attempting to remember how to play baseball and will eventually don the historic mudhen logo. What's terrible about this entire situation is that we desperately could use a switch-hitting power hitter. So, if he can contribute, I wish him the best. He might as well pretend to earn the 8 million+ he's due to make this year.

ozzie guillen recently picked the assistant coaches for the all-star game in pittsburgh this year. In an all-around classy move he decided to pick eric wedge (35-42) and john gibbons (43-34) over jim leyland (54-25). Remember, leyland coached in pittsburgh for only a measly 11 years and won 2 coach of the year honors and brought the pirates to respectability. I'd criticize guillen, but I'm just petrified that he'll just curse me out and use insensitive slurs to discredit me.

The tigers travel to pittsburgh for some more AL/NL rivalry action. I just hope the killer b's (bonds, bonilla and bell) aren't too much for us to overcome. Atleast we got van slyke on our side this time.

Beat the bucs.

ozzie guillen loves the wnba

Recently, all around class act ozzie guillen recieved criticism for referring to jay marriotti as a "fag." Marriotti criticized guillen for demoting sean tracey, a rookie pitcher, who in his MLB debut guillen ordered to hit a batter. Tracey missed, Guillen was pissed, marriotti dissed. guillen after hearing marriotti's criticism had this to say in response, "What a piece of [expletive] he is, [expletive] fag." I'll let you fill in the expletives, but if I had an educated guess, I'd think the quote goes something like "what a piece of fart he is, motherlovin' fag." guillen defended himself by saying that in his country "fag" isn't a homosexual slur. remember, ozzie guillen has played baseball in the mlb for 16 years, and has coached for 3 years. So, i wouldn't really call this excuse especially valid. What I like about this entire situation is I absolutely hate marriotti as well. So this is basically a win-win situation.

My favorite part about this entire thing is guillen trying to defend this. Guillen tried defending himself to another columnist (couch), and was quoted as saying, "Guillen also told Couch that he has gay friends, attends WNBA games, went to a Madonna concert and plans to go to the Gay Games in Chicago." After literally falling out of my chair reading that, I came to the conclusion that Marriotti would be one hell of candidate to be guillen’s “partner” in the 3-legged race at the gay games. Comments like these are absolutely priceless. it's basically the same as saying that I really enjoy Plessy v. ferguson, but I'm not racist because I know black people, and I go to rap concerts. I loved that even when trying to defend himself, he just furthered other stereotypes. That picture of him kissing his son on the lips is definitely fitting here.

The Tigers handled their beeswax by going 5-1 against those bitches from the northside of chicago and the tigers old AL rival the Brewers. I'm extremely heartbroken I missed the majority of these games because it’s a pure delight watching the Tigers pitchers hit. When nate robertson hit an rbi single with 2 outs it was basically the equivalent of chris shelton stealing home in my opinion. The Tigers now head back to detwah for some more interleague delight against the Cardinals where we will certainly brag about our world series win over them a measly 38 years ago.

eat em' up tigers

tigers roar into flag day with best record in the bigs

Another eventful week for the tigers. A 4 game winning streak over the b-jays and d-rays has been NIICE (use borat voice). It's also always interesting when an arrest warrant is put out for one of your highest paid players on the team as well. Apparently, with being fake injured and on the DL, dmitri young had too much to do as he skipped his pre-trial and now faces arrest. He was receiving help from the betty ford clinic for alcohol abuse. I thought it was cute before when my sister always said he was nice to her at 5th avenue, but now that I know that she was just feeding his addiction really T's me off. I'm putting the blame completely on my sister for this one, hopefully the 40 extra lb's he's been carrying around was just built up beer and liquor that has been lodged in his system and when he's clean, this will all magically fall off. Kind of like Jared in that subway commercial wear he tears his fat suit off revealing a leaner and meaner self. Hopefully, meathook will be leaner...but not necessarily meaner, because that got him in trouble before.

The picture up top is from the tigers dramatic comeback win against TB. Of course I was there at that game. At the time granderson came through with the winning hit I was one of about 340 people still left in the stadium and it was the equivalent of christmas morning/halloween and flag day rolled into one. I'll be at the game tonight. Bonderman pitches tonight against former Philadelphia 76'er Mark Hendrickson. This schlub was drafted in the 2nd round by philly, but decided he'd rather become a marginal pitcher in baseball crazy tampa bay. Way to think it through, mark.

Topping the threatdown for this weekend....BEARS. or in this case the cubs. the cubs are stupid and from chicago, so I'm just going to assume everything goes swimmingly this weekend. I'm out of town this weekend so I'm going to miss the entire cubs series. I'm not going to be able to follow the tigers very well because I'll be at a music festival, and that would be a stupid use of my time. I think its pretty safe to assume by the time I get back the tigers will be riding high on a 9 game win streak.

I just want to wish all my readers a happy flag day...and be safe! no one wants to ruin the most sacred of holidays with a foolish flag day injury. If you are of legal age (or have fake id) take it easy. For every flag that you see, this doesn't necessarily give you permission to take a shot.

Dr. Destroyer a Tiger!

On the 6th day, of the 6th month of the year 2006 the Tigers select with their 6th pick a 6'6 Andrew Miller, a lefty hurler from North Carolina. Obviously you might think I might have some hang-ups about drafting the obvious ruler of the dark world to anchor our pitching rotation in the future. Not this time though, the Tigers drafted by basically everyone’s opinion the consensus #1 overall player in the draft at #6. He slipped to us because everyone thought he would be hard to sign, which might be true, but I have faith that Dombrowski will sacrifice 20 virgins to please Miller. Another thing you like is when players make up nicknames for themselves. Miller, obviously a smart guy, came up with the genius nickname "Dr. Destroyer." Even though Miller is leaving after his jr. year...it's always nice to see that he was able to get his doctorate before he graduated.

The Tigers just completed two series against teams that are named after socks. I guess in the early 1900's creativity was at an all-time low and the creators of these names just looked in their closets and blammmo! white and red sox it is. Anyways, both of these series went poorly. The Tigers should have won both series if it wasn't for Todd Jones remembering he's todd jones and giving up a 2 out bottom of the 9th HR to lose and Rodney reverting back to his pre tommy-john surgery days and serving up a pelvis-shattering 3-run HR to new HGH candidate Alex cintron. The Tigers now head to Toronto for a series with the B'jays. Hopefully if they have enough time they'll visit the hockey hall of fame.

US Cellular field I think just climbed in my top 3 in my list of the mostest stupiderest ballparks in baseball. Every single flyball felt like it was going to be gone. 11 Hr's were hit in 3 games. This is even more stupid when all the games were relatively low scoring games. I mean, cintron and polanco each hit Hr's this series. That's stupid. Homeruns should be difficult, thats why I have really grown to like the dimensions of Comerica Park a lot recently. There is not a more exciting play in baseball then a triple. Recently I did a Hr. Derby with two of my BFF's. A total of 3 Hr's were hit between us...I hit 0 of them. Even though this made me cry for the first time in 12 years, this was right. I have no business hitting homeruns after 0 practice in the last 3 years. Instead I was fouling off 45 mph gas or hitting a lazy fly ball into LF. Luckily, I bought some steroids and the next time you see me my head will be the equivalent of a bobble-head and the rest of my body will look like a person who was allergic to bee's who got stung by an entire nest. Who cares about testicles when you have pec's like mine?

"These fans here in Chicago are a black eye, cussing when there are kids around. I mean it's just bad for baseball." - jamie walker

Whats with these fans in chicago? I mean what the fuck is wrong with these shithead southsiders and their foul langauge? They should all be bitchslapped and their kids should be tought some fucking manners. Go eat a shit sandwich you assholes, you pale hosers.

Tigers vs. Sawks, Sucks (red, white)

The Tigers not surprisingly enter June with the best record in all of baseball. Tonight, they start a series against jimmy fallon's Red Sawks. Since I currently am living a life that directly parallels Billy Madison (pre Ms. Vaughn), all I do all way is watch obscure movies on HBO. Unluckily for me, Fever Pitch plays 7 or 8 times a day so I get to watch that on a much too frequently. Literally, the only part I really like in that movie is when drew barrymore gets destroyed by a foul ball off the forehead. Hopefully, she does her own stunts. Anyways, my point is that this sawks series became exponentially more important after suffering through multiple viewings of this movie. Schilling vs. Rogers tonight, Bonderman vs. Wakefield tomorrow, and the marquee matchup...Zach miner vs. Matt Clement. I'll be at Saturdays game. I anticipate clubbing and brutally disfiguring multiple members of REDSOXNATION. Including Dave.

Next, the "motor city kitties" invade Chicago for an all important series with the black sox. If i hear chris berman one more time say "motor city kitties" I'll fucking snap like that goon on Iceland who slashes Adam Banks' already tender wrist. Honestly, I have to change the channel off of my favorite show Baseball tonight when Berman gushes about the Tigers, it makes me that mad.

Anyways, the black sox are led by douche bag extraordinaire ozzie guillen. You might remember him as the light-hitting SS for the sox who hit a paltry .264 for his career and slugged a steroid-suspicious 28 career Hr's in 16 years. Recently, he's become popular for bitching out literally everyone and leading a group of unbelievable turds to a world series. Last year, he called Magglio a "Venezuelen piece of shit." This guy screams class! Also, the team song of last year was by Journey and it was "don't stop believing." Members of the black sox would gather around and bellow this fucking pathetic song whenever a microphone was put in front of them. Notorious Fuckwad Anthony John Peer-zin-skee (i can't spell his name, and no way in hell am i giving him the satisfaction of looking it up) led passionate misty-eyed renditions of journey on multiple occasions. I'm pretty sure when the Cub's Michael Barret punched aj in the face it wasn't because of the collision, it was because he was sick and tired of hearing journey sung on Sportscenter every night. America thanks you, michael.

Tigers up by 2.5 games now, the magic # to clinch the division is hovering right now at just above 100 hundred games. As the homeless guy outside copa says to me almost on a nightly basis "eat em' up tigers, EAT EM' UP!" That guy gets a dollar, everytime.