Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Obscure Ex-Tiger of the Day, 12-11

Chris Shelton

The enigma that is Chris Shelton will not ever be fully understood. Arguably the greatest Mormon red-haired Tiger in 2006, Chris Shelton was on pace to rewrite the record books. On April 17th, 2006 the great red hope hit his 9th HR of the season. At the time, he was the quickest in American League history to accumulate 9 Hr's at such an early date. As historians of my blog will tell you, on that day he was hitting ".471 with 9 HR's, 5 doubles, 3 triples and a slugging % of 1,216." His offense was "Babe Ruthian" and his defense was positively "Roger Dornian." Those three triples must have been pretty wild; I can only assume they came from other teams not taking Tom Emanski's baseball drill videos to heart during spring training.

And suddenly, it was over. I remembered watching a Pistons game in late April of 2006 at Utah, Shelton was there, of course. I remember him wearing a turtleneck and somehow looking extremely awkward, in Salt Lake, which i did not know was achievable. Shelton, started playing baseball like a pasty overweight ginger and struck out as much as Michigan's football coaching search. By June 3rd, he was batting 8th. By late July he was a Mud Hen.

So what happened? Most scholars will point to the obvious that he sold his soul to the baseball gods. He became a cocky Mormon ginger, and the baseball gods decided drastic measures needed to be taken to strike him down. For a good visual of what happened, go rent Space Jam and take note of the scenes when the aliens zap the basketball talent of such stars as Patrick Ewing, Mugsy Bogues and of course Shawn Bradley. Man, the Shawn Bradley MonStar really got boned on that deal. When he wasn't striking out, he was hitting lazy fly balls to the 2nd basemen. He went from unquestionably the best player in early 2006 to making Neifi look serviceable in the way that he played in June-July.

Chris Shelton was recently traded to the Rangers for Freddy Guzman. The Chris Shelton era of Tiger baseball was over. I implore my 3-5 readers to remember the Shelton era fondly. Without him, we do not go to the playoffs. Without him, we can never reminisce about the days when our beloved Tigers were led by Sloth, from the Goonies.

Share your favorite Shelton stories, or just brag about your $100+ Shelton authentic jersey you impulse bought.


Anonymous said...

Shelton was living large for 13 days. His hitting and hair wasn't the only thing that was red hot. The Big Red Machine was getting calls to do commercials: a Big Red commercial and my favorite: a wall side windows commercial where he finishes by saying, "And yes, the carpet does match the drapes. ::Wink::" He even was dating Paris Hilton. Shit hit the fan somewhere, no one really knows where, but I think it's when he made a guest appearance on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

All a tale to me.

wilfredo ledezma (am i still in the league) said...

i remember when i had to pay shelton $2,000,000 to perform at my brother's bar mitzvah. he sang 'truly, madly, deeply' by savage garden - leaving to a rousing applause. we didnt even care that he slammed the mike stand into the base drum and made out with upwards of six 13 yr old girls on his way out. fuck that was a good early april