TIGERS CRAP ON YANKEE'S HEARTS

"Attention Steinbrenner and front-office morons! Your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it, and rotate! This is George Costanza. I fear no reprisal. Extension five-one-seven-oh."

The Tigers play Oakland in the ALCS after pantsing the yankee's and there 5.6 billion dollar annual salary. Because I feel so lowly about my reader's IQ level the only way I can truly convey to you how evil the yankee's are is compare them to King Bowsers Kids.

Wendy O. Koopa is Derek Jeter. Game 2 was cancelled solely based on the purpose that the rain would have made Jeter's mascara run. Jason Giambi is Iggy Koopa. This wacked out roid rager was benched for game 4. Bobby Abreu is Ludwig Von Koopa. C'mon, they look exactly alike. A-rod is Roy Koopa. As you can tell, this Koopa has style, but he is just an average crumb-bum that mario easily conquers. Morton Koopa Jr is gary sheffield. If baseball games were won by how strongly you shake your bat pre-pitch then he'd be undefeated. Obviously, this isn't how baseball is won, but he is a terrific 1st basemen. Larry koopa is whore-hay posada. Just a mediocre koopa, just like posada would be considered a mediocre catcher if he didn't play for the yankees. Lemmy Koopa is Johnny Damon. Just like Lemmy Koopa, Damon is wicked bad.

I'm pretty sure the main reason we won this series is Johnny Damon. This fuckwad and his curtain call in the 4th inning of game 2 literally pissed god off so much that he gave joel zumaya super powers to humiliate "the greatest line-up of all-time." If I hear that one more time I'll puke up a lung, I swear. Rogers and Bonderman then obviously gave up a combined 2 runs in 2 games against a lineup with all all-stars. I bought my tickets to game 3 a long time ago and was able to attend game 4 due to the generosity of my reader of the week, Danny Wilson. Wilson, for your great act, I’ll be sending you out a Gene Kingsale autographed baseball and a lovely dinette set.

Also, the celebration after game 4 was the coolest thing I think I've ever seen and totally necessary.

Anyways, on to the ALCS foe OAKLAND. I've been struggling to come up with a reason to truly despise this team. At first, I was going to use the angle that we could crush ex-tiger Hiram Bocachica’s heart, but admittedly that was weak...until, I stumbled upon this steaming pile at http://www.mlbmascots.com/athletics.htm .

“Stomper is the mascot of the Oakland Athletics, a Major League Baseball club. It is an elephant wearing A’s jersey of the number 00. The baseball season is long and Stomper prepares himself to stay fit. As he is the only elephant in the weight room and the only pampered sweet creature, he teases the players with his cute remarks. Before each game, he rides around the field in a little red car “Boogie Buggy” while a song from The Jungle Book movie soundtrack is played.”

I cry thinking about the imbecile who wrote this. Mascot’s generally don’t mean anything, but this is…just…terrible. Stomper actually does make Sir Slam A lot (old pistons mascot) look like royalty. If I ever run into Stomper, I’ll spit at him. He disgusts me.

Tigers in 4. Go Tigers.