I Hate The Florida Southern Moccasins

Do you remember when the world was gripped with macarena fever? No matter what your background was, it was unanimous, the macarena dance was cutting edge and it was fantastic. That summer everyone walked around with a hop in their step knowing that literally at any time their favorite song could play. That summer was electric.

I'm starting to get that feeling again. In 18 days, pitchers and catchers report. That's right, the roaster, Jay-z and vance "danger" wilson will be back. This make me so excited that I started taking steroids just so I can rage with the best of them come opening day. In 30 day's we have our first game. The schedule makers didn't take it easy on us ONCE AGAIN as we start up against the hated moccassin's from Florida Southern again. Top Slugger Nick Diyorio has graduated for the Moc's but the workhorse Dan Albritton returns for his senior season. The Moccasins (#4 pre-season DII) have a relatively young team but head coach Pete Meyer expects the hard work in the off-season to pay off. When I reached Meyer for comment he repeatedly asked how I got his cell phone number and how I knew his wife’s name. He sounded petrified. This match-up with the AL champions really has him unnerved.

Fox Sports is also bringing Christmas early/late this year. They are going to replay in their entirety the 7 straight wins over the New York Kim Jong-Il’s and the Frank Thomas led Oakland A’s. Frank Thomas was a force to be reckoned with in that ALCS. So, check your TV guide channel for viewing details. Usually, it’s channel 16. I’m fairly certain that’s what it will be for you.

Last thing, Sheffield is going to wear #3 for the Tigers. You’d think this would upset me, being that Trammell is one of my favorite Tiger’s of all-time, but it doesn’t. I don’t know why, I feel like this is the trivial BS that usually sets me off. I guess I just don’t have the energy for this right now. Maybe when it’s warmer out, or something. Sheffield said he’s wearing the #3 as tribute to Trammell, yadda yadda yadda, I don’t believe him, but I guess I just don’t care for some reason. Oh well.

63 days until opening day.

Oh, and I apologize for the extremely poor comparison I used at the beginning. I just felt like we hadn't talked about the macarena in a while.

Deep Thoughts

A legendary Tiger from the glory years of my youth

I've been sitting in my 56 degree cubicle of a room repeatedly watching http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYgDjH5buFE&mode=related&search= while slowly rocking back and forth as i progressively slip deeper into lunacy. Even though the Tigers made the World Series, I still am not close to grasping that this actually happened. All of my Tigers memories usually involve guys like C.J. Nitkowski or other stand outs like Kimera Bartee or the Luis Pujols era.

I remember as a kid I went to Cooperstown. I went to the Cooperstown bat manufacturing company. I had an authentic wooden bat made. I kept it in a case and vowed only to let legendary Tigers sign it. At first, I did an admirable job. I think I got Allan Trammell, Mickey Lolich and Kirk Gibson's autographs on it. I was very proud of this bat. That is until that fateful Tigerfest in 1995. Even though I was only 11, I must have been huffing some glue that day or something. Right on the barrel of the bat I got two autographs that day. One was lifetime .260 hitter Chris Gomez and the other was John Doherty who came through with a 5-9 record with a miniscule 5.10 ERA that year. I'm pretty sure I was with my dad at that fateful Tigerfest that took place in Joe Louis Arena. To this day, I hold a little bit of grudge against him for not beating me that day.

This is a happier memory. I'm in 3rd grade, and I'm in latchkey. It's the 2nd game of the season and the Tigers are taking on the Baltimore Orioles. About 20 of us are sitting in centerfield bleachers enjoying this game with about 8,000 other Tiger fans that were scattered throughout Tiger stadium. There was one other group of people in the CF bleachers that day. Luckily for us, they were a group of college students who had probably had one or two too many wine coolers that day. I realize what I'm about to say doesn't sound believable, but I swear it's all true. About halfway through this game it started raining. There was love in the air in this smoggy day in Detroit. These girls treated us to a striptease in the CF bleachers. These were the first bewbs that I will have seen in my life. I know probably that like 3 out of my 5 readers are calling BS on this. The reason the other two aren't, is because they can probably back me up on this. Also, the Tigers won this game in the bottom of the 9th inning. With 1 out and a runner on 3rd they attempted to intentionally walk the batter to set up the DP. The Orioles doofus pitcher threw a wild pitch on an intentional ball allowing the winning run to score. Easily the best day of latchkey in my life. Yes, even better then the day chocolate cake was snack.

Nothing of any importance has happened with the Tigers since the Tigers shook the baseball world to its core with the Mesa signing. I’m seriously debating if hibernation is a feasible option, it’s become that bad.

77 days until opening day.

Extremely Unnecesary 2007 Predictions

Nothing like a holiday season full of clouds and grass to get you so jazzed up for Tiger baseball that if you saw someone walking down the street wearing an AL Central hat other then the Tigers, without hesitation you'd uppercut that poor sap off of the pit into the spikes below. One of the presents I got was a "Detroit Tigers Baseball Champions 2006" shirt from my sick and twisted mother. I can't tell if I did something wrong here, and this is just my mom taking some sick pleasure in watching her son progressively drift into the depths of his own madness. But, I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume that "Baseball Champions" means something different then "World Series Champions." Which, to her credit, there is no doubt that we are indeed the baseball champions.

Well, it's 2007. That was news to me, because, I thought it was already 2k7. I've been playing 2007 videogames since like May, and I don't currently own a calendar nor look at one, ever. So, that means it's time for extremely unnecessary 2007 player by player predictions.

The bellyitchers:
1. Kenny "Dirrrty" Rogers- 4.30 ERA, 14 wins, and will at some point bitch-slap a homeless toddler. But, will be huge for the post-season
2. Justin Verlander-3.85 ERA, 18 wins. For some reason people think it's a given that in the 2nd year a pitcher has to have a down-turn. Since I'm not really basing these predictions on anything, I'll disagree.
3. Bonderman- 3.50 ERA, 22 wins. The year he finally put's it all together. 2nd to Santana in Cy-young, first in the hearts of hillbilly women who swoon after his yokel personality.
4. Robertson- 4.00 ERA, 15 wins. The team actually hit's for him this year and he continues to wear the sexy specs.
5. DR DESTROYER- 3.40 ERA, 12 wins. I see Andrew Miller starting at 5, if not, receiving the majority of the time there. He'll garner much recognition for possible AL ROY and also much recognition for "worst nickname ever."

The magic sticks
1. Granderson- .270, 75 Rbi's, 23 Hr's. Still will not know how to hit a curveball, and I will punch 3 people during the year who tell me they are amazed how "well spoken" Granderson is. 2k8 (2k9 if you are in videogame time) he will break out.
2. Polanco- .285, 55 RBI's, 5 Hr's. His OBP% last year was terrible, and he hits for no power. Which, is probably due to the excess head weight he carries around. This year, he'll be better, but not by much
3. Guillen- .305, 15, 95 Rbi's. Not as strong offensively, but will put up more RBI's then last year with the lineup around him. Still will be a top 3 SS in the league.
4. Sheff- .315, 35 HR's, 120 RBI's. I'm drinking the GaryAde. I think he's going to do big things this year. A top 5 MVP season, and might kill 4 people with foul balls down the LF line
5. Ordonez- .310, 30 HR's, 110 RBI's. Will see much better pitches and be a much better player getting more time at DH. Will cut hair, and female fans will move on to Shelton.
6. Monroe- .280, 30 HR's, 100 RBI's. He'll benefit from seeing better pitches. There was talk we should trade him this off-season. Balderdash. He's literally my favorite belt thief of all-time.
7. Rodriquez- .290, 15, 75 RBI's. Basically the same as last year, unless he starts taking steroids again. Let's just pray that he sacrifices his livelihood for baseball again.
8. Casey- .265, 10 Hr's, 50 RBI's. From the beginning will be talk of taking him out of the lineup. Will then become full-time "good clubhouse guy." Last time I was mad at him, he hit 2 HR's in the World Series. He should probably just play well now.
9. Inge- .260, 25 HR's, 80 RBI's. Will field 30 ball's that no other 3b can field in the league. Will make an errors on 30 ball's that no other 3b in the league would make an error on. Strong power #'s, weak average, OBP. A solid #9 hitter.
10. Neifi Perez- .046, 0 Hr's, 3 Rbi's. He'll amass these stats in 115 games. A part of me will die whenever he takes the field.

What does this all mean? It means I was bored in January. Tough noogies.

POST SCRIPT- Gomez is a Rockie. Not a Tiger anymore.

88 days until opening day.