Thursday, January 04, 2007

Extremely Unnecesary 2007 Predictions

Nothing like a holiday season full of clouds and grass to get you so jazzed up for Tiger baseball that if you saw someone walking down the street wearing an AL Central hat other then the Tigers, without hesitation you'd uppercut that poor sap off of the pit into the spikes below. One of the presents I got was a "Detroit Tigers Baseball Champions 2006" shirt from my sick and twisted mother. I can't tell if I did something wrong here, and this is just my mom taking some sick pleasure in watching her son progressively drift into the depths of his own madness. But, I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume that "Baseball Champions" means something different then "World Series Champions." Which, to her credit, there is no doubt that we are indeed the baseball champions.

Well, it's 2007. That was news to me, because, I thought it was already 2k7. I've been playing 2007 videogames since like May, and I don't currently own a calendar nor look at one, ever. So, that means it's time for extremely unnecessary 2007 player by player predictions.

The bellyitchers:
1. Kenny "Dirrrty" Rogers- 4.30 ERA, 14 wins, and will at some point bitch-slap a homeless toddler. But, will be huge for the post-season
2. Justin Verlander-3.85 ERA, 18 wins. For some reason people think it's a given that in the 2nd year a pitcher has to have a down-turn. Since I'm not really basing these predictions on anything, I'll disagree.
3. Bonderman- 3.50 ERA, 22 wins. The year he finally put's it all together. 2nd to Santana in Cy-young, first in the hearts of hillbilly women who swoon after his yokel personality.
4. Robertson- 4.00 ERA, 15 wins. The team actually hit's for him this year and he continues to wear the sexy specs.
5. DR DESTROYER- 3.40 ERA, 12 wins. I see Andrew Miller starting at 5, if not, receiving the majority of the time there. He'll garner much recognition for possible AL ROY and also much recognition for "worst nickname ever."

The magic sticks
1. Granderson- .270, 75 Rbi's, 23 Hr's. Still will not know how to hit a curveball, and I will punch 3 people during the year who tell me they are amazed how "well spoken" Granderson is. 2k8 (2k9 if you are in videogame time) he will break out.
2. Polanco- .285, 55 RBI's, 5 Hr's. His OBP% last year was terrible, and he hits for no power. Which, is probably due to the excess head weight he carries around. This year, he'll be better, but not by much
3. Guillen- .305, 15, 95 Rbi's. Not as strong offensively, but will put up more RBI's then last year with the lineup around him. Still will be a top 3 SS in the league.
4. Sheff- .315, 35 HR's, 120 RBI's. I'm drinking the GaryAde. I think he's going to do big things this year. A top 5 MVP season, and might kill 4 people with foul balls down the LF line
5. Ordonez- .310, 30 HR's, 110 RBI's. Will see much better pitches and be a much better player getting more time at DH. Will cut hair, and female fans will move on to Shelton.
6. Monroe- .280, 30 HR's, 100 RBI's. He'll benefit from seeing better pitches. There was talk we should trade him this off-season. Balderdash. He's literally my favorite belt thief of all-time.
7. Rodriquez- .290, 15, 75 RBI's. Basically the same as last year, unless he starts taking steroids again. Let's just pray that he sacrifices his livelihood for baseball again.
8. Casey- .265, 10 Hr's, 50 RBI's. From the beginning will be talk of taking him out of the lineup. Will then become full-time "good clubhouse guy." Last time I was mad at him, he hit 2 HR's in the World Series. He should probably just play well now.
9. Inge- .260, 25 HR's, 80 RBI's. Will field 30 ball's that no other 3b can field in the league. Will make an errors on 30 ball's that no other 3b in the league would make an error on. Strong power #'s, weak average, OBP. A solid #9 hitter.
10. Neifi Perez- .046, 0 Hr's, 3 Rbi's. He'll amass these stats in 115 games. A part of me will die whenever he takes the field.

What does this all mean? It means I was bored in January. Tough noogies.

POST SCRIPT- Gomez is a Rockie. Not a Tiger anymore.

88 days until opening day.

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