Opening Day Haiku 2

Detroit dreams again

Crush foes Urbina style

Old man stench supreme

To me, Opening day is like Christmas morning, a snow day, the first weekend of the NCAA tournament all wrapped up in a pizza. In the past, it was the kickoff of basically a 6 month slaughter, but not this year. This is easily the most anticipated opening day in the last 15 years. Seriously, the Tigers are going to celebrate winning the American League title last year. That is stupid good.

Anyways, in potentially Ultimate Warrior gorilla slamming bad news, Kenny Rogers is on the DL with arm trouble and will miss his first start. Supposedly it's just "arm fatigue. I'm pretty sure I've had arm fatigue since 7th grade baseball. So, hopefully this doesn't minimize his effectiveness for the next decade like it has me. He's supposed to miss one start and Rad Chad Durbin will fill in.

A while ago I posted what I thought the opening day lineup should look like and what Leyland's will probably look like. For some reason I was able to guess that Pudge would be lead off. Which, he will be against lefties. Hopefully the excess steroids in his system have worn off and he won't go all Willie Mayes Hayes in Major League 2 on us.

Probably you have heard this already, but ex-tiger Ugie Urbina (UUU) was sentenced to 14 years in Venezuelan jail. I've never experienced Venezuelan jail before, but I imagine that is approximately equal to 2 to 3 times that sentence here. So, if you were debating if it was worth it to attack someone with a machete and pour gasoline on them, just be aware of the potential consequences. Use words, not machetes. Remember that phrase next time you are in a disagreement.

Ozzie Guillen is a douchebag. You can read about it here: http://www.detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070329/SPORTS0104/703290400&imw=Y

The highlight is when he farts out of his mouth about Leyland "Is he a great manager? Hell, no." Well, no one likes Ozzie and it's cute how once every couple of months he draws attention to himself. Usually with some homophobic slur or when he cuts a pitcher for missing throwing a beanball. He's becoming very Wolf "the Dentist" Stansson esque with his hate. Remember, Jium Leyland wears his cleats in the dugout.

Alright, Monday is opening day. Obviously, I'm going to hop on my jet and get back to Detroit and I'll be there. For those with class/work/scrabble tournaments, just kindly avoid those on monday. Seriously, for all 7 of you read this, don't pull an Urbina and miss out on Opening day.

20,160 Minutes Until Opening Day 2007

The Tigers are so hot right now; it's as if their genitials were smeared with copious amounts of AXE body spray because everyone is on our nuts right now. Last year, the most optimistic of sports writers predicted a .500 season. Except of course for Rod Allen who apparently saw all this coming and predicted a division championship. Many journalists with national respect rivaling mine have predicted 90+ wins, division, league, world, galaxy championships for the upcoming season. Some say we are expected to have a top 3 pitching staff, top 3 outfield, a top 5 lineup, and be top 1 in bandwagon fans next year.

A division championship isn't that wild to comprehend next year. The Twins are likely without Liriano for the entire year. The Royals, well, they are still excited about their fountains in the outfield and will likely not show up again this year. The Indians might be good, but they are also from Cleveland which celebrates a rich history of suck. The White Sox, well, I just plain hate them. That alone is worth -10 games in the standings. I'm not saying the Tigers will win the division, because so many things have to go your way for that to happen. And last year, everything did go right. So, I guess what I'm saying is it's in the realm of possibility.

The starting rotation is set. Bonderman, Rogers, Robertson, Verlander, Maroth. It's pretty stupid to think how far we've come in one year with this same rotation. So, I'm not even going to think about it. Bonderman get's the nod on opening day against the Blue Jays. Honestly, the Blue Jays? It's like they weren't even trying to come up with a cool name, they were just sitting around looking out a window and made a pact to choose the first thing they saw. They were probably pissed that they saw a Blue Jay first, but, they made a pact.

The Tigers single A affiliate, the Lakeland Tigers are no more. They changed their name to the Lakeland Flying Tigers. A couple people have asked me what a flying tiger is. Obviously, it's a tiger with wings, dumbass. Why the name change? Obviously, someone in Lakeland made a pact to change their team name to the first thing they saw when they looked outside their window.

504 Hours Until Opening Day

The Tigers and Bawstan Red Sawks nearly came to blows after Todd Jones torpedeod a fastball presumably speeding in excess of 80 MPH behind Jamie Diana Drew's back. The Boston's must have been seriously PMSing because they took exception to this and the benches cleared. Beckett earlier in the game hit Sheffield in the arm with a fastball causing him to laugh sarcastically and question Beckett if his favorite movie was a A League of their own. Later Beckett hit Magglio in the head, luckily his brain cushioned the blow. In response Leyland probably stood extremely close to some members of the Boston's and breathed closely on them tormenting them with the patented old man stink.

The Tigers have been involved in a couple of injury scares recently. Luckily all have turned out to be minor and we are in pretty good shape. When Slater took that Beckett curveball to the head he went to the hospital. The damage was major in that it caused a bad hair day for AC, but he is fine. Pedro Cerrano (monroe) hurt his knee attempting to rob a HR. What a doofus. But, that seems to be fine.

In 3 weeks it is opening day. I've already laid out my clothes on my floor. I think I'm not going to sleep until April 2nd. No, that's stupid, I'll definitely sleep.

use these to get butt-pysched
post-game Tigers/Yankees celebration http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OVui5LawY8
'84 WDIV intro http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3e7fuyMY98&NR
Magglio HR from LF http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZIztPkX3Dw&mode=related&search=