Cleveland Sucks

Life can't get much better. The Tigers are in first place and just finished a sweep of the Cardinals AND I just received an email that a Prince from Ethiopia is offering me over 25 million dollars for just the use of my bank account! Wow, what a rush! With all this money I can finally buy happiness. Or, the castle from the critically acclaimed movie Blank Check.

I was at the Tigers game Saturday night. Easily the most enjoyable part of the entire game was the guy sitting in front of me heckling Juan Encarnacion in right field. For those of us who remember the Encarnacion era in Detroit, there is PLENTY of material to heckle him about. Anyways, these guys' material was strictly limited to the "HEY JUAN" heckle. Literally this was the go to heckle upwards of 60 times in a nine inning game. After each time they would yell this, they would turn to each other and high five each other emphatically. It was a disaster/masterpiece depending on your appreciation of unintentional comedy.

Other then the heckling, the highlight of the game was a Sean Casey double in the gap in right center. He hit second and made the turn to go for third, before realizing if he attempted this herculean feat he would have ripped every ligament in his lower body. This sounds insignificant, but a Sean Casey triple would surpass Magglio Ordonez's ALCS HR for best moment in Comerica Park history.

The California Angels are next on the homestand. This team of crumb-bums is led by hot shot RF Vladimir Guerrero and the crafty vet Mel Clark. Who, in the deciding game of the pennant threw over 160 pitches in a complete game win. Yes, it's pretty pathetic that I have watched Angels in the Outfield twice this year when it has started after 2 am. Bonderman might be back to pitch on Thursday of this series, but it's really no biggie because we have Miller waiting in the wings if he is not well enough to pitch.

After the California Anaheim Los Angeles Angels leave town we have a series with Cleveland. It's going to be a good week to deficate on our neighbors to the south.

Also, For Love of the Game was hot garbage. I am in no way endorsing this disaster of a movie. It's on TV often, and the only scene I enjoy is when Kevin Costner destroys his hand cutting it with a saw. Then, it's off my TV.

Too Many Bellyitchers

Great. Bonderman, and Zumaya are on the DL. It wouldn't shock me to hear that Adam Bernero has been called up, or that Venezuelan rebels have miraculously transported Ugie Urbina back to pitch for us. I don't know about you, but over these next couple of weeks there's a strong chance I'll develop an ulcer watching Mesatime at the end of a close game. Dr. Destroy is taking Bonderman's place on the roster, and will start on friday against St. Louis.

The Detroit's just gone with a road series in the always aesthetically pleasing Hubert H. Humphrey Dome. When I think of the Metrodome, it always for some reason reminded me of how Russia is often portrayed, cold, ugly, but efficient. I honestly can't think of anything more depressing then going to a baseball game in May and leaving 70 degree temperature to go watch baseball players play on turf under a dome that is white that makes professional baseball players look like wang-tangs as they stumble around to catch a routine pop fly. Also, the ball should never bounce over an outfielders head, ever. It’s efficient because they decided not to splurge on fences, but rather settle on giant garbage bags. Anyways the Tigers made Garrison Keillor weep as the Tigers won the first two of the series before losing by 6 safeties in the finale as vicious Virgil Vasquez was vanquished by the victorious Twins.

Tiger’s split the first two with the bostons. Tonight's game against the sawx was rained out. Doubleheader tomorrow. Regardless of the outcome, we can be certain ESPN will spend the majority their time by telling us about Robert Fick's reaction to the Roger "the rocket" Clemen's return. I honestly don't know what I want more, a Tigers championship or Clemen's to be finally proven to have taken HGH or just flame out spectacularly with the Yankees. Nothing was really more evil then announcing mid game from Steinbrenner's press box that he was coming back. Chet Steadman is the only "rocket" to me. I sincerely hope that every time Clemen's throws a pitch this year a pain shoots down his arm and a wicked guitar riff plays in his head. For the three of you who have seen Rookie of the year, that made sense.

Also, Neifi Perez had 4 RBI’s in a game earlier this year. I apologize for not devoting an entire entry just to this mind blowing feat.

Eat em' Up Tigers

Magglio Ordonez is playing everygame like it's the homecoming game against Valley High. His psuedo mullet is bringing a special amount of pain this year as he was honored with the extremely prestigious AL player of the week (ALPOTW). Undoubtedly he's benefitting from Sheffield and Guillen sandwiching him in the lineup.

I know I have no authority on this at all, but everytime Rod says "proven track record" that is definitely a drink or seven. Through the first month of the season, he has uttered these magical words atleast 4x a game. This has almost made basically everyone on the teams slumps oddly enjoyable. Also, I'm pretty sure he described someones double the other day as "pimping" it. As in "Neifi Perez just pimped that ball over the center fielder's head, pahdnuh!"

Usually I wait more then a month to rip on a player, but Sean Casey has to go. Remember in simpler days of video game baseball when players were ranked 1-10 in different categories? Well, this is how I'd rank him. 0-10 for speed, 1-10 for power, 1-10 for range in the field, 8-10 for hitting lazy ground balls to the 2b, 3-10 for goatee, 2-10 for the ability to bend his knees in doing anything, 14-10 for being a "nice guy." Seriously, watching him run is uncomfortable, I'd compare it to watching a dog move with only 2 legs. Some will give the argument that he is a "career" .300 hitter. This is accurate, but this is before he apparently tore both his ACL's without telling anyone. I don't know if team ambassador is a real position, but I suggest making it for him just so we can actually take advantage of his talents. To summarize, I'd take Carlos Pena over Casey.

The Tigers have won 6 of 8 after sweeping the White Sox in a one game series and now sweeping the Baltimores. The hitting has started to come around, the bullpen has picked it up and they almost got in a brawl. Simply put, they are almost as hot as Erin the Esurance girl. Seriously, these advertisements are insane, and seriously have men questioning themselves throughout the Detroit area.

We trail Cleveland in the Central right now. Cleveland won't win the Central, because God hates Cleveland. Nothing good comes from Cleveland, it would not surprise me at all if Carlos Mencia is a native Clevelandnite.