Brady Leyland's projected 2006 Tiger Line-up

With only 64 days until the Tigers open their season against those fiesty Royals of Kansas City, I decided its about time to take an extremely unecessary look at the possible tigers opening day line-up. This is in my opinion our best line-up at this time, but you must factor in that atleast 3 or 4 starters will miss significant playing time by the time spring training is done.

1. PLACIDO POLANCO, 2b
2. PUDGE RODRIGUEZ, C
3. CHRIS(t) SHELTON, 1b/Dh
4. MAGGLIO ORDONEZ, RF
5. CRAIG MONROE, LF
6. CARLOS GUILLEN
7. MEATHOOK/PAINYAAA, DH/1b
8. GRANDERSON, CF
9. INGE, 3b

Rotation:
1. Gambler
2. Bonderman
3. Robertson
4. Maroth
5. Colon

This pitching rotation and batting order do not thrill me all that much, but they are definitely an improvement over last year. We could possibly have one of the best line-ups in baseball, if they actually decide to show a pulse and show some discipline at the plate. I put Pudge up high in the line-up in place of where Guillen is because right now I really have low expectations of Guillen. I hope I'm wrong, because I'm pretty much the biggest Guillen supporter out there, but his knee is a mess. He's also playing in the world baseball classic, which is kind of craptastic for the tigers, because he can't really rest or recooperate that very well. I'm also hoping slim can come to terms with whatever mental illness was eating away at his brain and he can put up some solid stats. I have Monroe up high because I feel he really hasn't gotten nearly the credit he deserved for being our best offensive player last year.

I really can't decide between pena and young. Pena has so much more potential and actually seems to care about the team. Young is a gigantic human being. Last year he was a burden both on and off the field. Right now, Young is the more consistent hitter and Pena is a much better defensive player. And for the last month of the year, Pena might of been our best hitter. We need a LH power hitter more then anything...and pena is that, but he just sucks at the beginning of seasons. So, I'm starting Young...but if starts to schlub around; Pena is in quickly, and Shelton takes over DH.

With our pitching rotation, I put K-Rog first just to provide some consistency. Bonderman will probably be our best pitcher, but I don't know if he's ready for all the pressure of a #1 starter. I put Colon 5th just because I really do not want Verlander or Zumaya in the majors yet. Give them time to develop, don't rush them, yadda yadda yadda. They might be ready by mid-season, but who knows, maybe Colon can actually live up to his potential and do decent. Who knows.

If your curious why I put that picture up of booby higginson, its simple really, I just flat-out hate that motherfucker. It also looks like he's seriously cracked out at some random house party. He single handedly tried to ruin my child-hood. That piece of shit. Atleast the chick is hot...but I feel bad for her, because she probably has chlamydia now. GOD DAMN YOU BOBBY. also, thats Chelios in the bottom corner.

Tigers offer most obscene contract in the history of mankind

Randy Smith offers this schlub 140 million dollars for 8 years. Incredibly, schlub turns down what was richest contract in history of athletics at the time.

I still have kind of mixed feelings when I look back at this mindfuck of a deal. First, its incredibly lucky that for whatever reason he didn't take this deal. I mean, the Booby Hig. deal was bad, but this deal would of been baaaaaaaaaaaddddddd. Second, it is just kind of depressing that a guy can turn down a 8-year 140 million dollar contract to play for your team. I mean, I love the Tigers, and to think that someone would turn down what would of been the richest sporting contract of all-time at that time because they think that lowly of your favorite team is kind of shitty pill to swallow.

The reason I'm bringing this deal back up again is JuanGone was recently signed to a Minor-League contract with the Cleveland Indians. He has a base contract of $600,000 but with incentive can make slightly more. So, if he signed the contract with the Tigers next year he'd probably be making somewhere around 17.5 million and instead he's making a less then a million for a minor-league team. Thank goodness the Gonz didn't enjoy Detroit winters. Because instead hes making almost 17 million dollars less a season to enjoy "Balmy" Cleveland instead.

Bitchtits back and with plenty to prove in 06'

Slim had easily the most disappointing season of his career... can he rebound and lead the Tigers to a .500 season?

Rodriguez was a stupid baseball player last year. He apparently decided to lose all patience at the plate and go with the Willie Mays Hayes hitting technique. Even though he lost 25 lbs. in the off-season, he decided to swing for the fences of spacious Comerica Park. First off, how the fuck do you lose 25 Lbs. in an off-season. Well, I'll you how.

Either:
A) You had a nearly-fatal disease that lasted the entire off-season
B) You stopped using steroids.

Well, B's the answer. And that is real shitty because when you are an aging catcher that’s being paid over 40 Million dollars you can't really do that kind of shit. Pudge went from Fatty mcphatness to Omar Infante's twin brother. The thing that makes baseball great, is being lardy is not a necessarily a bad thing. Not much running or physical conditioning is required. Basically, you need great coordination and Super Mario-esque reflexes to succeed in baseball.

Ivan Rodriquez is arguably the greatest catcher of all-time. Throughout his career he has provided teams with gold-glove defense, consistent .300 hitting and great leadership. Last year, he played good defense, but everything else went to shit. On more then one occasion he fought with Alan Trammell and apparently forgot all hitting fundamentals. All his stats were down. The 2005 season was his lowest batting average since 1993, his lowest RBI total since 1992 and his lowest on-base percentage since he was a 19-year-old rookie in 1991.

He had 11 fucking walks on the season! He had over 500 at-bats and he walked 11 times. He averaged one fucking walk per 47.73 plate appearances. I haven't played baseball since high-school. There’s no way in hell I could even come close to touching major league pitching. But I am confident enough to say that I think I could walk 11 fucking times in 500+ at bats. It was ridiculous watching him out there. He decided even though he lost about almost all of his muscle in the off-season, he decided to take the video game approach and swing for the fences every at bat and not ever let a count get past ball 2.

Well, even though there’s plenty of reasons not to like Slim (steroids, attitude, decreasing stats...), he's still by far our best catcher. His defense is great and possibly even better now that he lost some weight. His hitting was so ridiculously bad last year that I can't imagine it could be any worse. I mean, fucking Vance Wilson is our back-up, I kind of gag uncontrollably whenever I see him in our starting line-up. Pudge did say he was going through a divorce last year and he was mentally "out of it" by the end of the season. I mean, that’s sad and all, but your getting paid 10 million dollars to have the greatest job in the world. You need to fight through that shit and not let your personal shit get in the way with your job.

He's got a lot to prove. Not only to everyone in Detroit, but also he has to start showing something to solidify his legacy as the best catcher of all-time.

Dream back in Detroit?

Recent rumors have been circulating that Dreamweaver might come back to the team that birthed him into the majors.

Personally, I'd like this move if we aren't forced to sign him into a long term deal. He's got some nasty stuff, and can dominate on any given night. Unfortunately, he's a bit of a spaz. You never know if he's going to pitch a perfect game or have a batting helmet bounced off his head by mike sweeney in a brawl.

Weaver's strength and also his weakness is his unwillingness to not back down from anybody. Even though the best pitch probably isn't the belt high fastball to barry bonds, Weaver will probably still throw it...and it will probably be hit atleast 450 ft. But sometimes this is an advantage. This guy always is on the mound trying to win and trying to out-think and confuse the hitters at bat. When we traded him to the Yankees, I cried. Like a little bitch. But he was legitimately the best thing going for the Tigers at that time. Getting Bonderman, Pena and German for him also helped me feel a little bit more at ease about the trade.

Weaver had lots of issues on and off the field in Detroit. Most notably, and easily my favorite was when he and I believe Robert Fick were alledgedly smoking PHAT Blunts on the Tigers airplane and also were accused of sexually harassing the stewardesses on the same flight. Now that, is good stuff. I just can't believe that stuck up Hoochie-mama stewardess didn't just submit to the dream. Also, Weaver likes to talk a lot of shit on the mound. Sometimes this is fine, sometimes it backfires like it did in Kansas City. After Sweeney asked the home-plate umpire to tell Weaver to move his resin bag, Weaver very maturely called Sweeney a "fucking pussy." Sweeney apparently took offense to this, and kind of beat the shit out of Dreamweaver. But to be fair to Weaver, I still think that Sweeney is a "fucking pussy." So, Weaver at the time was not considered much of a "character guy" in the clubhouse.

After the trade, Weaver has basically been a confusing pitcher. He's got great stuff, but he never was able to take that step to becoming one of the better pitchers in baseball. But he hasn't been a bad pitcher, just kind of a dissapointing pitcher I guess you could say. He also hasn't been accused of harrassing anymore stewardesses recently, so this could be a sign of improved maturity with age.

I'd take Weaver on the Tigers. A starting rotation of Bonderman, Weaver, Rogers, Nasty Nate and Maroth would be pretty respectable. Weaver is also a workhorse. He's pitched over 200 innings a season the last 2 years and also has not had any notable injuries in his career, so he's not much of a liability in that way. Dream made almost 9.5 mill. last year. I don't know if he is going to be able to get that kind of $ from Detroit or any other team, but a short contract would be ideal in signing him. Still, its not out of the realm of possibilty though that that the tigers offer Weaver a 7 year 80 Million dollar contract. Thats just how we roll, and fuck the haters.

Maroth and Inge back and primed for run at World Series

Right: Bob Cluck has no idea where he is. And has a awful fracture in his left "glutal" area.

The Tigers recently announced that Maroth and Inge have agreed to sign with the 2006 DEE-Trrooittt BASEballlll Team.

Mike Maroth, best known as the only pitcher to lose 20 or more games since 1980, has been resigned to a 2-year $5.25 million dollar contract. Even though Maroth hasn't lived up to his potential yet...this is a good signing. Maroth has some good stuff on the mound and his best days are definitely in front of him.

Bob Cluck, pitching coach of last year, has an incredibly optimistic view on Maroth. He recently said "I think eventually, he'll be a 20-game winner and an All-Star. He reminds me of Doug Drabek, who won the Cy Young when I was with him in Houston." To be fair to Bob Cluck, when he made these comments he had taken multiple hits of extacy and polished off an entire fifth of Popov Vodka.

Maroth is a good steady pitcher, and it should be our goal to not have Verlander or Zumaya in the starting rotation to start next year. They aren't ready yet, and they shouldn't be thrown in to the pressure packed environment of Comerica Park Baseball.

Brandon Inge was picked up for another year to be our starting 3b for next year. Inge has a tendency to excel on the impossible plays in the field, but struggle mightily on little dinkers that are hit his way. His lack of fundamentals can be mostly attributed to the fact that he has basically played every position on the field other then pitcher.

The main problem I have with this signing is consistency. Inge is not a consistent fielder or a hitter. At times, he can be our best player on the field, and at times he can look like Kevin Hooper out there. His best role on the team is as a super-sub. He plays all positions well, but not great. He would make a great bench-player and would play in the majority of games next year. With the Tigers obviously going to have at least 7 or more catastrophic injuries by the time spring training is over, finding Inge time in the field would not be hard.

I felt the Tigers did not pursue a 3b or SS strong enough in free agency. Carlos Guillen hardly has knees anymore, and he will struggle if he has to play every game and show great range at SS. I’d prefer to have him at 3b, where his strong fundamentals could excel and his declining range would not be exploited as much. Omar Infante looks as if our management thinks he is the future at SS, which he might be, but he is not ready for an extensive time in the starting line-up unless he improves rapidly.

Chris "$Moneybags$" Shelton

Is this dashing young man ready to become the face of the Detroit Tigers?

Chris Shelton was easily the biggest surprise of the 2005 Tigers. Selected By Dave Dombrowski in the Rule V draft, this former catcher was known as an outstanding pure hitter and defensively as a catcher, he was as polished as Dmitri Young playing outfield. But Big Red's hitting more then made up for his piss-poor catching and he was on the team. It was extremely important to find any way possible to get Shelton somewhere in the line-up.

With Karlos Pena struggling and Dmitri Young being too fat to play baseball effectively (I didn't even know that was possible), the Red Bull was able to take over 1st base. He basically was learning on the job, and amazingly did an admirable job. His defense wasn't on par with Karlos', but he rapidly improved and was not a burden defensively for this team.

The most remarkable thing about Shelton's season was how quickly and effectively he adjusted to major league pitching. His best asset as a hitter is his ability to hit with power to all parts of the park. With Comerica Park being “bigger then a mug,” he was able to hit a whopping three triples. Three triples isn't very much, but Chris Shelton is no Speedy Sanchez, so that’s pretty impressive. Shelton hit around .330 for most of the year before struggling at the end of the season and finished hitting .299 for the season. His 18 homeruns were also a welcome addition to the power-deficient Tiger line-up.

My biggest worry is that Shelton might struggle next year. His dip in batting average probably had a lot to do with AL pitchers becoming more aware of Shelton's tendencies as a hitter and studying film of him. Although, it has been noted that Big Red is a "student of the game" and is always working at getting better and adjusting to the nuances of the pitchers he faces. One drunken 50 year old woman at copa last year told me that Chris Shelton as a hitter reminded her of "Tony Gwynn." And who am I to argue with a 50 year old drunken woman. She obviously knows her baseball. $MoneyBags$ right now is our starting 1B for next year and for us to even have a chance of winning the World Series, its my opinion that he must hit at least .480 with 80 Hr's and 220 Rbi's and an OBP of at least .800.

Also, Shelton is from Utah. So that’s just pretty funny in itself. That must have been quite the culture shock coming from a very culturally diverse state such as Utah and moving to Detroit.

BREAKING NEWS!!

Tigers agree to terms with MATT MANTEI!


http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=ap-tigers-mantei&prov=ap&type=lgns

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Diamond Dave (Dombrowski)

Dombrowski in the D

Unlike Randy Smith, Dombrowski seems to have a pulse and actually pay attention to baseball.

Dave Dombrowski was a successful GM before taking the Tigers job. He won a World Series with the Marlins with a rent-a-team and a rent-a-coach in Leyland and this is in large part why this dynamic duo has been reunited in Detroit.

I still kind of want to repeatedly punch Dave in the face/groin for the 2003 season. I put almost all of the blame on him and this was the first year that I started getting partial season tix for the Tigers. That 2003 team was bad. I honestly think the Erie Sea wolves might take them in a best of 5 series. Brandon Inge was our catcher that year and Dombrowski publicly stated before the season that he would be thrilled if Brandon Inge could hit over .200 for the season. As a fan, you know your season is going to be shit when your front office would be happy with a .200 hitter. Inge at that time was basically a single A ballplayer starting at one of the most pressure-filled positions on the entire team. Although, Inge surpassed Dombrowski's goals and hit an awe-inspiring .203 and inspired our Tigers to win a earth-shattering 43 games that year, he effectively rattled the fuck out of Maroth and Bonderman. These two combined to lose 40 games between them. It had been something like 20 years since the last pitcher lost 20 games in a season. This vomit-inducing display of talent was also to be led by first year manager Alan Trammell. It really isn't much of a wonder why we were one inning from being the worst team in the history of baseball.

Alright, enough of the 2003 season. That season sucked, and I’m making myself physically ill by thinking about it. But it might have been somewhat necessary. This team has been rebuilding since 1993 (our last winning season) and it probably was best to tear everything apart instead of making minor changes.

For the first time since I’ve been a conscious living person, the Tigers are developing a farm system. We have some real talent down there for once, and it looks like a decade of top ten draft picks one or two might actually see the field. Most notably, our future in pitching looks bright. With Justin Verlander and Joel Zumaya possibly being part of the rotation this year. Probably the Tigers biggest surprise last year was Chris Shelton. Chris “moneybags” Shelton was a player the Tigers basically acquired for free. We were able to claim him from the Pittsburgh buttpirates in the Rule 5 Draft.

The Tigers have been on the super-fantastic side of two one-sided trades under Dombrowski. We traded a perennial minor leaguer (Ramon Santiago) for a legit all-star SS in Carlos Guillen. We also recently re-signed Santiago a couple of days ago, and he has been designated as team bat-boy of the Lakeland Tigers. The other trade of course was Placido Polanco for Ugie Urbina. Now Urbina, he is a wild motherfucker. He’s currently being held in a Venezuelan Jail for the attempted murder of 5 workers. Urbina attacked these workers with a machete and tied them up and poured gasoline on them and was moments away from becoming a serial killer before he was arrested. Urbina earlier in the 2005 season also got in a fist-fight with essentially the entire Tiger team on an airplane. Ugie decided to get liquored up and and ultimate fight everyone on the team. This ended badly for Ugie as he was reportedly punched “repeatedly in the face” by Brandon Inge. In Polanco, we got a defensively above average fielder who also has an offensively above average skull. He hit .338 last year in 86 games and was given the prestigious Detroit Tigers MVP award. So, to sum that trade up, we traded a guy who might be jailed for the rest of his life for possibly one of best 2B’s in all of baseball.

The Kyle Farnsworth trade sucked though. That was stupid. There is no way that Romon Colon could body slam Royals like Farnsworth could.

The gambler and who?? Todd Jones

Pitching was the main reason the Tigers shat the bed in 2005, so the Tigers addressed this in the only way they know how. Signing two "fogies" to provide some much needed relief in the bullpen and one lefty to anchor the rotation.


TIGERS SIGN KENNY ROGERS! OMG!

Only the Tigers can add a 43 year-old pitcher who might be psychotic, and be content that this will solve their pitching troubles. As everyone knows, Rogers is an accomplished singer/chicken maker, but in 2005 he was able to add accomplished felon to his sterling record when he assaulted a camera man. In the picture I included, it looks like the camera man is severely overreacting to Rogers. Rogers simply looks like he just wanted "high-five," and that bastard of a camera man decided to leave him "hanging," so Rogers decided to pummel him. Fair enough.

Rogers acting like a slightly psychotic grumpy old man was of benefit for the Tigers. This made us basically the only team in the running to sign Rogers. Of course, the Tigers were basically bidding against themselves for the services of this "crafty" lefty, and like always, grossly overpaid. Most expected Rogers to sign a one year deal worth anywhere from 5-6 million, but the Tigers felt generous and signed him to a 2-year 16 million dollar deal.

Alright, theres plenty to not like about this signing. The money, the length, 43 years old and he might just possibly be mentally ill. But I'm going to tell you why this signing makes sense. Even though he's a fossil, he still had one of his best years of his career last year. He had a 3.46 ERA and was selected to the all-star game. And he pitched in a heavy hitters friendly park last year. He's a lefty also, which automatically makes him slightly more valuable then a righty. Plus, if I learned anything from "wild thing" Rick Vaughn, its that intimidation is half the battle in pitching. I mean, who wouldn't be intimidated by a grizzly old man who at any time can dot you in the ribs with a screaming 86 mph fastball.

Rogers can still be considered a top of the rotation type of pitcher. This will take some pressure off of Bonderman and let him settle in the #2 hole for next year. With a young pitching staff, an old man might be exactly what this team needs. I'd also easily take Rogers over Johnson, so I feel we slightly improved in that aspect. Also, there's no salary cap in baseball, so I'm not going to lose that much sleep by a overpaying for Rogers.

TIGERS SIGN 2000 AL ROLAIDS RELIEF MAN OF THE YEAR

I don’t think any true Tigers fan can truly say anything bad about Todd Jones, so I won’t. But I just have a bad feeling about this signing. Jones was one of the most effective relievers in the NL last year posting a colon-exploding 2.10 Era in Florida last year. What concerns me is that he largely struggled since being honored by Rolaids, and last year might be not be any way to truly predict how he will pitch next year.

Right now, Jones is our Closer. Which is definitely a step-up from Rodney/Franklynstein. But he’s 38, and is not particularly overpowering. If he can have any type of year similar to last year, that would go a long way to helping us be somewhat competitive in the al central.

I’ll basically just be satisfied if he comes in, slams the bullpen door, and loads the bases up and miraculously gets out of it like before. Even when he had 42 saves in 2000, nothing came easy.

I included a picture of Jones Jonesin for some beer. I can only assume after he finished his 2 Budweisers and solo Coors that he immediately Macked on those Hunnies in the background.

1984 World Series MVP out...#1 Grandpa in at manager

After sitting through the wretched mind-fuck that was the 2005 Tigers, it was obvious changes needed to be made.

Alan Trammell out, Jim Leyland in:
I felt this was a rather cheap move and a way of placing blame on someone who was not really completely at fault for the disappointing season. Trammell, I think was in over his head when he got the job, but I felt deserved one more year to try to save his job and show some improvement. Any manager will struggle when his $100 million dollar free agent can't play half a season because of injuries, his best pure hitter decides to stop using steroids and also is completely batshit insane on top of that. I mean, he drew 11 fucking walks in 129 games! That is almost one walk for every million we paid him to play for us last year. And Dmitri Young decided to get fatter, and pout on the bench. Also, his best pitcher was 22 years old at the time.

That is not a good recipe for success, and in hindsight I think its kind of remarkable we were playing .500 baseball for most of the year.

Jim Leyland seems like a decent enough guy. He's old; he smokes, and has won a World Series. But, he hasn't coached since sending the Rockies to the ground and throwing out the arms of much of their pitching prospects at the same time. I am impressed by what he did with the Pirates. He developed a lot of talent (see Barry Bonds) and made pittsburgh one of the better teams in NL during the early 90's. But Like I said, he's old. I included a picture of him to emphasize he's old. And that picture is atleast 6 years old. He really only is 60 years old right now, but he looks like he has seen some wild shit in his days.

Overall if I'd have to grade this move...I'd give it a C.

It is going to be interesting to see how our young players respond to Leyland. Especially our young pitching staff. Bonderman, Verlander, Zumaya, Colon, German have great potential, but we get to see how they respond to Leylands coaching.