YOU SCARED!? Tigers in the playoffs

If you are anything like me, you've locked yourself in a room and have been blaring "the final countdown" on volume 11, while playing with your jim leyland homemade doll that you made out of playdough in anticipation for the final weekend of regular season baseball. Hopefully, for your sake, you are not like me. But in my conscious life I've never been alive to appreciate the enormity of what is going on. The best way I can describe this final weekend is 9/11, aids, and the plague all mixed together in a bowl, and then blown up with a nuclear bomb and then you get the importance of this series with the royals.

As you know, the tiggers and twins are tied. we hold the tie breaker. We need to at least match their record for home field advantage in the 1st round. This is of uber importance to me because I was ticketmaster's bitch and was there at 10 am and sold my soul for standing room tickets to game 1. If the Tigers hold on, the game is Tuesday....the same day as one of my tests. Being the scholar student that I am, I told my teacher flat out that I couldn't make the test and put myself on her mercy. The test was only worth 30% of my final grade...so it was definitely worth it. Thank god my charming wit and electrifying good looks melted her heart and she told me I could go to game 1. What a prof!

Anyways, the tigers clinched a playoff spot in KC the other day. They held a "low key" 220 bottles of champagne celebration. This pretty much was one of the top 5 moments of my life. Remembering this celebration, I'm a little verklempt right now. Give me a second. Talk amongst yourselves ... There I feel better. Todd Jones crying. it had it all. This might be crazy talk, but in my opinion, the tigers should make the playoffs every year.

While I'm writing this, the tigers are beating the royals like they stole something. they are up 5-0. I'm not making this up, Rod was talking about one of his cousins and said, ""He's named Luigi Mario .. and hes a brother."....if you're playing at home, that qualifies as "general silliness." drink up.

The most important thing in the history of mankind

Intense rivalries are what makes competition great. Rivalries such as red sox/yankees, Duke/UNC, Red vs. Black from Wild N' Out and finally detroit/chicago have raised the stakes significantly. Starting tonight, the tigers take on the black sox in the most important series in Tigers baseball in almost 20 years. The Tigers have been steadily farting away their lead in the Central/Wildcard and enter today 1 game up over the Nick Punto lead minnesota Twins. If the Tigers manage to miss the playoffs this year, I'm literally going to hibernate this winter. This is a fact.

Let's break down this series a little bit.
Kenny Rogers vs. Mark turdley tonight. I'm hoping Rogers sets the tone early and nails Dye and Crede in the ribs with 84 Mph fastballs. Obviously, they are then out for the season. Tigers win 37-0.

Justin Verlander vs. Freddy Turdcia. Tigers put in major league 2 prior to the game, remember what a cocky SOB jack parkman was and verlander strikes out jim thome 3 times with the eliminator, the terminator, and of course the masturbator. Tigers win this game 1-0 when neifi perez "has an angel" and hits his first career ball out of the infield for the game winning sac fly.

Jeremy Bonderman vs. Jon Turdland. This game is a laugher the entire way. The Tigers win this game 34-7. The White sox are effectively eliminated from the playoffs ensuring the tigers the wildcard at worst. Jim Leyland can finally remove the last slide showing off Mike Illitch's boobs.

In other news, The tigers signed another sub par LH hitter. This time, Matthew Wade Stairs gets the chance. Remember when everyone was spazzing out in june about our dire need for a left hand bat? and that Leyland said that we weren't just looking for LH bat just for the sake of having a LH bat, the player must also be good at baseball?... yeah, well, apparently we are fibbers. Also, Polanco said yesterday he is out for the year. The team said he isn't, but we are fibbers like I said before.

and, just for the hell of it, here's Harry Dunne singing about the Tigers. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1qyAfxLkeg

go tigers.

Now that the lions are out of contention, Go Tigers.

Neifi Perez is the Pussycat Dolls of major league baseball. Both have very little talent but both for whatever reason see lots of playing time. Some other hopelessly devoted schmoe created this website, http://www.fireneifi.com/ . This website really doesn't do it for me, first off, if I had created an anti-neifi website the address would be http://www.punchneifiintheface.clownpenis.fart . For the three of you who got clownpenis.fart joke, i hope you enjoyed it. And for the other three of you who clicked on that hoping it was a real website, I'm sorry, it's not real, but you're an idiot.

Obviously, the shocking news of the week is the sudden release of dmitri young. This really came out of nowhere, and that's why it annoys me so much. A general rule of thumb is you do not release your #3 hitter in september during a pennant race. Obviously, he was a sucky 3 hitter, but this still shouldn't be happening in september. He should have been dealt with much earlier.

The Tigers are 1.5 games up in the al central. Hopefully, Leyland has a risqué picture of mike illitch in the locker room and every time they win, they remove a slide. If it worked in major league, it works in the major leagues. and if you just vomited something up after reading that sentence, thank you for reading this far.

This upcoming home stand against $texas$ and the orioles is crucial. It's definitely more important then school, and my general mental health combined. The Tigers are starting to get some players back from injuries. Maroth and guillen returned...still no polanco. If neifi takes his spot again, I'll bash myself with a hammer every time that neifi either hits a dribbler to the 3rd basemen on a half swing, or pops up a bunt with no one on base. I'm most likely going to have intense surgery in the near future. If I'd have to compare sean casey's and neifi perez's play of late to a disease...cholera would be the easy choice. Yes, leaky anus would be the perfect way to describe these two, Casey is hitting .065 in september with a .065 OBP%. This is so bad. I could do this, and for once I might not be incredibly overestimating my skills. I think I could easily hit .080 with an obp% of around .110 or something. Ok, i'm overestimating my skills, but the fact that I actually just debated with myself if I could play better then a professional getting paid around 8 mill a year in a pennant chase is pretty terrible.

Kevin Hooper played in a game recently. This really has nothing to do with anything, other then i think it's great that the tigers and the Make-a-wish foundation have such a great relationship. Also, AC Slater is starting to swing the bat well for the Tigers again. If Slater can improve his RF play and his knee holds up, he still might get that scholarship to Iowa.

EAT EM' UP TIGERS.

"WOOOOOWEEEEE"

If you're confused about the meaning of this title, go to this and watch it a couple thousand times... http://youtube.com/watch?v=JKF8M8fM44E. This homerun was easily the most important Tiger home run I've seen in my life. I'm not counting anything pre 1990, because I'd equate my intelligence at the time to a brain dead fetus. I wouldn't even be surprised if Rod Allen talked to Craig Monroe during batting practice, and this had a calming influence on him which allowed him to hit the clutch homerun.

Another important thing happened in that series against the new york king bowsers, the mlb debut of andrew miller. The good doctor came in and pitched a scoreless inning of relief. Usually when a player is drafted in the mlb, it takes him a couple years minimum. For miller, he pitched 9 innings total in Single A ball and we decided he was ready. Could you imagine making your MLB debut, in yankee stadium, during the middle of a pennant race? The only debut that I think was more anticipated was the debut of steve nebraska in the scout. and that movie sucked.

OBSCURE EX-TIGER OF THE DAY....Nook Logan

This former Tiger was traded to the Washington Nationals for a player to be named later. Obviously, we got the better end of this trade. This former Fanatic U spokesman, made "speedy" sanchez look like Lou Brock. (see the commercial here, http://www.fanaticu.com/customer/home.php click on CMO AND DMITRI under "commercials). Nook will probably serve as a lifetime pinch runner, because, well, he can't do anything else remotely well. This much ballyhooed CFer will fade into Tiger's lore as one of the least talented "baseball" players to ever wear ye olde' english D.

While i was concocting this think piece, the zumaya comcast commercial came on. Is comcast high speed internet really as fast as a zumaya fast ball? Oh man, that commerical is well done.

Today is my 22nd birthday. World peace, eternal happiness, those are swell, but I'd definitely rather have a Tiger's series win over the mariners. Or, Rod Allen to show up at my birthday party at Discovery Zone.