33-1....and TWINS!!

Once again, the Tigers tracked their prey, pounced on them and ripped apart their chest leaking their bloody organs and insides exposed for other Tigers to gnaw and rip apart and enjoy a filling meal. This time, their target was Twins. Not actual twins, but rather the entire state of Minnesota. Call in FEMA, because this disaster is going to take a while to recover from.

The Tigers broomed the Twins in a most convincing fasion. They won game one by a 3 fieldgoals 9-0. Game two was decided by Justin Verlander kicking 6 straight field goals and only giving up a PAT to win 18-1. And the "gambler" recorded 3 seperate safties sacking QB Ron Gardenhire to win 6-0. This all adds up to a 33-1 noogie and wedgie-fest laugher in favor of the tigers.

If this wasn't a clear enough definition of what happened this weekend at copa, try this metaphor instead. Take the Mighty Ducks trilogy, and you can use the games against their rivals before they ceremoniously changed their name back to the Ducks for the rematch. For instance the District 5 team, TEAM USA and finally the Eden Hall Warriors JV team. The Twins play the part of the "lost Ducks" and the Tigers are the Hawks, Team Iceland and Eden Hall varsity. Game 1 was like TEAM USA vs. Iceland in the first game. The Tigers brute strength was too much to overcome in a 9-0 statement game. Game 2, was like District 5 vs. the hawks. Winning 18-1 and literally making a red-faced Gardenhire question his teams "cahones." Game 3, was Eden Hall JV vs. Eden Hall varsity. Even though JV squad might of had past success, they were still weaklings compared to the stronger and more attractive Varsity squad. This weekend, the Tigers really emphasized that the twins were just JV bitches compared to the Tigers.

Next, the kansas shitty royals come to town bringing in Runelvys Hernandez for the opener. It is also pathetic that I am able to spell "runelvys" correctly just because of the sheer hatred I have for this fuckbag. If you remember, he is the d'bag who drilled Guillen in the head and then talked shit starting a bench clearing brawl. Luckily Farnsworth was able to execute a flawless form tackle on a unsuspecting royal in this fight. go tigers, beat kansas. All they are is dust in the wind.

the next Chris Shelton: Cameron Maybin

I spent much of my afternoon watching Revenge of the Nerds 3 today. A pathetic movie, but I lasted as much as a I could until Booger graced the screen and I felt somewhat vindicated that I lasted long enough to see arguably the most successful Berkley High School Alum of all time in action. This really has nothing at all to do with Cameron Maybin at all; I just like to talk about Booger every chance I get. But those lovable nerds always seem to be right and just in their cause. Baseball writers are pretty much the biggest nerds of them all, and they would all make fine Lamda Lamda Lamda's. Anyways, these honorary Tri-Lambs have basically annointed Maybin as being a mixture of "Ken Griffey Jr. and Darryl Strawberry....but better defensively then those two" and also being a very mature "18 year old"....whatever that means. Also, they meant Darryl Strawberry in a good way....not the coked out way. I'll be very disappointed with the Tigers if they drafted an 18 year old coke addict.

I'm always kind of suspect when I find out the Tigers drafted a high school player in the draft. I read Moneyball, and that basically made me think that Billy Beane was literally the smartest person ever to have existed in the history of the human species. So, I was sort of upset with this pick at first. Then I started reading various articles about him, and that if it wasn't for justin upton (the #1 pick) he would have been one of the top high school position players in recent history. Also, this is what sold me. The Motherfucker has the major league baseball logo tattooed on his left shoulder and on his right shoulder he has a" crucifix with a baseball in the middle." I totally dig his religious beliefs.

Right now, Granderson is our CFer...but the Tigers have all intentions of having Maybin be the future CFer for the next decade or so. If everything goes perfectly, the Tigers outfield for 2008 will probably be Bret Clevlen in LF (another super-duper prospect), Maybin in CF, and Granderon taking over RF with at that time wrinkly old man Magglio taking over DH. This is nice, because all of the recent sucking is starting to pay off with good draft picks. I mean, Verlander and Zumaya are carving up major league hitters right now and they are both rookies. Verlander faced King Felix, also one of the best current prospects, and outpitched him yesterday in a great game. Verlander reached 100 MPH multiple times and topped out at 101 and keeps hitters off balance with an insane curve ball that usually is around 80 MPH. If he ever successfully develops a 3rd pitch, he'll be nuts.

Anyways, the Tigers are 12-7 and currently in 1st place for the wild card. Unfortunately, there are still 143 games to play, but for whatever reason the Tigers are 10-2 on the road right now. That literally makes no sense, but they start a series on the road against the Angels tonight. Not even Tony Danza (with an angel, not a bullshit fake one) can stop the Tigers march to a 130 win season.

Old man forgets to take meds, becomes irritable and gassy

“Well, we just a lackluster, the whole ball of wax was lackluster just not good enough”
-Jim Leyland, 4-17-06

This literally is one of my favorite quotes of all-time. If I could go back in time, this would have been my senior quote, instead of the lame one I used from Mighty Ducks 2 instead. "whole ball of wax" is without a doubt going to become an integral part of my vocabulary. "Brady, its 5 pm, why haven't you gotten out of bed?" My reply, "the whole ball of wax, just a lackluster", and then I'd mumble something incoherently and chug the nearest bottle of pepto bismol.

This cute little tirade has made most Tiger fans happy, and has shown that he won't accept the same old same-old. This apparently is something that Trammel lacked, or something. People point to Leyland's WS ring and say "by golly, this geezer is a genius," but somehow ignore Trammel's ring. In the last week or so, I've read countless articles claiming the Tigers finally "got one right in Leyland." Cute journalism, but I'll wait more then 2 weeks to make bold claims like that. I mean, Phil Garner didn't exactly fit in with Detroit, and holy balls! He's in the World Series with the Astros. The fucking Astro's!

First off, I am by no means saying that Leyland is a bad manager. Way too early to tell, obviously. At 7-6, this is pretty much where I thought we'd be right now. But, this is before I knew that Jesus Christ would resurrect in the form of an overweight, red-headed 1st basemen. "Are you saying Jesus can't hit a curveball?" No, jesus can hit any pitch you throw at him right now. Currently, Shelton is leading in all triple crown categories in the AL, and currently has hit for 62 total bases this year. 62 total bases is a lot, but it’s absolutely crazy when Albert Pujols is the 2nd in total bases at 45.

The fact that Shelton is hitting 6th in this lineup is an absolute joke. Chris(t) batting 6th and the monstar's from space jam keep me awake at night and haunt my dreams. Shelton has 17 RBI's right now, which is absolutely batshit insane if you look at the rest of his stats. How a guy who is hitting .471 with 9 HR's, 5 doubles, 3 triples and a slugging % of 1,216 and has only 17 Rbi's is just unbelievable. Unfortunately, this is what happens when you have the best hitter in baseball at the moment hitting 6th with such "legendary" sluggers like Gomez, Thames, Infante and Young hitting in front of him. Obviously, shelton isn't going to hit .500 this season, he'll realistically probably only hit .430 or something, but the fact that we aren't capitalizing on this babe ruthian statistical mindfuck is incomprehensible. The crazy thing is, if we had actually good hitters hitting around him, such as pudge, ordonez, polanco, his stats would be probably even gaudier. Also, superstition doesn't work in baseball. Leyland better start coaching instead of relying on superstition to manage this team.

The Tigers are going going back back to cali cali for a series with the A's right now. I'm kind of frustrated with this team right now, so a nice 30-40 game winning streak would put me at ease here. Also, here's the audio from leylands "tirade."

http://www.mlive.com/tigers/audio/index.ssf?/tigers/audio/audio06.html

Also, if you missed JIM ROME IS BURNING on espn today, then you missed a “phenomenal” show. It was “epic.” And like 3 people probably just got the jokes I just made. But, to get back to the show, ROME was spitting the truth (like he always does) about Shelton. The headline of his rant on Shelton was “passion of the chris.” My loyal readers obviously remember my “epic” rant to my “clones” on april 9, 2006 where I anoint him as this. So, Romey, since your obviously a loyal reader of my tigers blog, you better start bringing it stronger on your show and stop copying this blog. Bring it rome, Brady,“OUT!”

With that, I'll leave you with this.

"Here he comes, from the frozen north
Big Red!

A mighty man from the land of Thor
Big Red!
Big Red!

You pour in the goop
In the helmet thing
But you better watch out
When you pull the string!
Big Red!
Big Red!
Big Red!

He's big, big, big!
And he's red, red, red!
And that's how he got
to earn the name Big Red!
Big Red!
Big Red!"

Bring da motherfuckin ruckus, Cleveland

You’d think I’d be upset after the Tigers got swept by Chicago. If you thought this, then you are right. Good job. Anyways, the Tigers slipped to 5-4 on the season with a measly 153 games yet to be played. A massive series with Cleveland looms this weekend for the Tigers.

Opening day was simply charming. It is always a delight to see the Ferris wheel in heavy rotation and the stupid fountain fireworks spraying water all over center field for the first time all season. On the plus side, I almost got smoked by a dmitri young HR in batting practice. That would have been messy and very injury-ey.

Basically, the only positive that came out of the series with Chicago is that the stormin’ mormon is still on pace for 126 HR’s this year. I have absolutely no idea why Omar Infante played DH the other day. That certainly was Leyland’s first sign that he might be going senile. Anyways, I’m putting that series behind me. I’m squarely focused on Cleveland. I have a good feeling about this series, not really sure why. Maybe it’s because I’ve been listening to george clinton for the last 4 hours, but who knows.

Peanut butter jelly and dmitri young with a baseball bat

The Passion of the Chris(t) Shelton

I'm not a religious man, but after this first week of excellence I might need to do some serious soul-searching. I'm pretty sure god came to me in my dreams one night and the only thing I can remember is his beautiful flowing red locks of hair... The Tigers are 5-1 right now, at this rate we are only on pace for a 135 win season. Settling for just 135 wins is a loser’s mentality. Yes, that would break the MLB record for all-time wins, but I'm planning on us breaking many MLB records this year. I don't want us to put up just good #'s....I want the Tigers to put up videogame numbers. Videogame numbers are a magical type of achievement. In the video game universe, it is not out of the realm of possibility to hit 100 Hr's in a season, win 150 games, and have a starting pitcher go undefeated throughout the season. For example, I just hooked up my super nintendo and started a season with the 1994 detroit tigers in ken griffey jr. baseball. After 68 games, my record is 64-4. 5 out of 9 hitters are hitting above .400, and Cecil Fielder is hitting .462 with 33 HR's. Mike Moore, Bill Gullickson and David Wells are still undefeated with an ERA around 1.00. The most incredible stat of them all though, is Mike Hennemen is still yet to blow a save!

The other night the Tigers hit 6 Hr's off of some fool named R.A. Dickey in 4 innings. I'm pretty sure the R.A. stands for wRetchedly Assy. I know, that wasn't fair, but the 'w' is silent, so that’s just not fair in itself. I know the Royals and Rangers aren’t exactly known as baseball squadrons to fear, but going 5-1 isn’t anything to sneeze at. Also, every time we beat texas in anything, it somehow makes me feel like my political stance is validated. When the spurs beat the pistons last year, I was almost ready to concede that the Iraq War was fought on just means, and that the no-child left behind act literally left no child behind. Needless to say, it is pretty fucking wild what a Robert horry jump shot can do to your mental psyche.

Anyways, going in the game earlier today against Texass, Jesus Chris superstar was leading the AL in all triple crown categories, and child prodigy’s Joel Zumaya and Justin Verlander are tied in ERA at 0.00. Now, e’rybody gettin’ tipsy on that Detroit Tigers Kool-aid, oh yeah!!!!

In one of my earlier “classic” blog entries I said “$MoneyBags$ right now is our starting 1B for next year and for us to even have a chance of winning the World Series, its my opinion that he must hit at least .480 with 80 Hr's and 220 Rbi's and an OBP of at least .800.” Right now, he’s on pace to hit .583 with 135 Hr’s and 216 Rbi’s. Now, that is a dead on motherblogging prediction.

Home opener is tomorrow against Chicago. If your from Detroit, then you already know…you hate Chicago. You hate the bulls, bears, white-sox, blackhawks, etc. If you ever cheer for them, you are out. You’re banned from Michigan. This can be enforced, I know a great deportation guy, he’ll take care of you, and you will be dragged to Toledo or thrown into the nearest great lake.

Alright, I’ll be thur at Comerica tomorrow for the game. The home opener to me is the equivalent of Christmas morning, Halloween and flag day all combined. Its that neat, really. Jeremy Bonderman is going to be Henry Rowengartneresque in the way he puts down those dillholes from Chicago tomorrow. Tigers win 6-1 tomorrow, which will not also be their record by 4:15 pm on Monday.

Tigers Sweep Royals....160 games to go for perfect season

After the Tigers 2 game series against the Royals, the Tigers are as expected in first place alone in the AL Central.

If the tigers continue at this pace, which I'm sure they will, we might see some face melting stats.....here are some examples!

slim rodriguez..... .625 Avg. 82 Hr's 405 Rbi's 243 doubles
The Red Bull....... . 667 avg. 162 Hr's 162 Rbi's 1053 total bases
your 2004 all-star... .375 avg. 162 Hr's 243 Rbi's

BONDERMAN.....32-0 1.35 era. 259 K's 0 BB's
Gambler..........32-0 1.5 Era. 162 K's 0 BB's
Zumaya...... 0.00 Era and every other batter is a strikeout.

also, the Tigers are on pace to score 1377 runs, 1296 Hr's while giving up only 324 runs and giving up 81 Hr's.

Next up, the Tigers head to Texas to sweep the Rangers and personally give out wedgies and noogies to every stupid member of that baseball team. Hopefully, the Bengal belters will have enough time to tour the basement of the alamo while they are in texas before they head back to detroit for the home opener.

Yours truly will be the home opener because I’m skipping school to go watch baseball instead. I know what you’re thinking..."Brady, I saw those commercials! A mind is a terrible thing to waste! Egads!" Don't worry, I'm really smrt. I are spending to much tyme in skool anywaise.

Plus, I'm planning on foregoing my senior year of college in order to enter my name into the MLB draft. Hasta La vista el bloggo

Opening Day Haiku

Tomorrow, the Tigers begin their quest for a world championship. The hated Kansas Shitty royals are the first of many victims on a summer-long slaughter fest with a baseball bat. "Fireballer" Kenny Rogers toes the mound for the Tigers against Scott Elarton. In my excitement, I composed a haiku to express how I feel.

Its opening day
Tigers slay Central Rivals
Royals first victim

Obviously, I'm a supremely talented poet... Anyways, Zack Greinke the young talented pitcher for the Royals would most likely be their opening day starter, but during spring training he left for "personal reasons." In recent interviews such gems about Greinke’s off the field issues have been revealed. Here is a quote from http://www.deadspin.com/sports/baseball/whats-going-on-with-zack-greinke-157692.php...

"An interview with Zack Greinke brings up serious questions about that whole “intellect” thing. When asked if he could have dinner with any famous person, dead or alive, he says, “Brad Pitt.” He also punched his car when he found out Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and cried himself to sleep. Seriously."

Wow, I try to maintain some level of class on this blog and not make fun of personal issues...but wow. I am sincerely cheering for Greinke to make a comeback...completely just so I can heckle the fuck out him and make a millionaire grown man cry.

In sad news, "grizzled" veteran Todd Jones is injured and was placed on the 15 day DL. Amazingly, he’s the only Tiger regular who isn’t ready to start the season.

Unfortunately, I have 2 exams tomorrow. I’ll miss the majority of the game, but I should be back in time to watch the Tigers humiliate the Royals physically and mentally on the way to a 162-0 dream season.