Sunday, April 09, 2006

The Passion of the Chris(t) Shelton

I'm not a religious man, but after this first week of excellence I might need to do some serious soul-searching. I'm pretty sure god came to me in my dreams one night and the only thing I can remember is his beautiful flowing red locks of hair... The Tigers are 5-1 right now, at this rate we are only on pace for a 135 win season. Settling for just 135 wins is a loser’s mentality. Yes, that would break the MLB record for all-time wins, but I'm planning on us breaking many MLB records this year. I don't want us to put up just good #'s....I want the Tigers to put up videogame numbers. Videogame numbers are a magical type of achievement. In the video game universe, it is not out of the realm of possibility to hit 100 Hr's in a season, win 150 games, and have a starting pitcher go undefeated throughout the season. For example, I just hooked up my super nintendo and started a season with the 1994 detroit tigers in ken griffey jr. baseball. After 68 games, my record is 64-4. 5 out of 9 hitters are hitting above .400, and Cecil Fielder is hitting .462 with 33 HR's. Mike Moore, Bill Gullickson and David Wells are still undefeated with an ERA around 1.00. The most incredible stat of them all though, is Mike Hennemen is still yet to blow a save!

The other night the Tigers hit 6 Hr's off of some fool named R.A. Dickey in 4 innings. I'm pretty sure the R.A. stands for wRetchedly Assy. I know, that wasn't fair, but the 'w' is silent, so that’s just not fair in itself. I know the Royals and Rangers aren’t exactly known as baseball squadrons to fear, but going 5-1 isn’t anything to sneeze at. Also, every time we beat texas in anything, it somehow makes me feel like my political stance is validated. When the spurs beat the pistons last year, I was almost ready to concede that the Iraq War was fought on just means, and that the no-child left behind act literally left no child behind. Needless to say, it is pretty fucking wild what a Robert horry jump shot can do to your mental psyche.

Anyways, going in the game earlier today against Texass, Jesus Chris superstar was leading the AL in all triple crown categories, and child prodigy’s Joel Zumaya and Justin Verlander are tied in ERA at 0.00. Now, e’rybody gettin’ tipsy on that Detroit Tigers Kool-aid, oh yeah!!!!

In one of my earlier “classic” blog entries I said “$MoneyBags$ right now is our starting 1B for next year and for us to even have a chance of winning the World Series, its my opinion that he must hit at least .480 with 80 Hr's and 220 Rbi's and an OBP of at least .800.” Right now, he’s on pace to hit .583 with 135 Hr’s and 216 Rbi’s. Now, that is a dead on motherblogging prediction.

Home opener is tomorrow against Chicago. If your from Detroit, then you already know…you hate Chicago. You hate the bulls, bears, white-sox, blackhawks, etc. If you ever cheer for them, you are out. You’re banned from Michigan. This can be enforced, I know a great deportation guy, he’ll take care of you, and you will be dragged to Toledo or thrown into the nearest great lake.

Alright, I’ll be thur at Comerica tomorrow for the game. The home opener to me is the equivalent of Christmas morning, Halloween and flag day all combined. Its that neat, really. Jeremy Bonderman is going to be Henry Rowengartneresque in the way he puts down those dillholes from Chicago tomorrow. Tigers win 6-1 tomorrow, which will not also be their record by 4:15 pm on Monday.


Anonymous said...

"Henry Rowengartneresque". i had to comment. Throw from the half two (i believe it is) and the Tiger's pitchers will be unstoppable. Also...i too am looking forward to flag day. baha.
(you have an angel with you right now)
loyal reader #2354

founder of the official wil ledezma fan club (check out the galleries!) said...

furthering the ANALogy, only Jesus Chris Superstar's own ego can play the role of the jews in this ongoing epic. so far he seems very humbled, not a likely candidate to be a victim of his own success. a characteristic i think was derived from Archie during ginger kids training camp. brady if you were as passionate about say cigarettes as you are the tigers youd be long since dead, and im proud of that. not to harp on details but when you say "...Henry Rowengartneresque when he puts down those dillholes..." do you mean actual putdowns? ie. pitchers got a big butt, what's the matter are ya chicken? bawk bawk, etc. OR do you mean puts them down using the fastball? or are you referring to the floater? or are you just suggesting that bonderman will peel back the label of his glove revealing that his mother's genetics are what got him on the slab in this critical game? Be more specific man... your readers need you!