A Delightful Christmas Story

It's almost 2007 already?! Wow, I can really thank these Detroit Lions for providing a worthy distraction to the lack of baseball. Their inspiring march to the worst record almost made me forget about the Tigers news that shook earth to its core, yes, the Tigers signed all-around class act Jose Mesa! Mesa, most famous for being old, crotchety and an average pitcher joins the Tigers bullpen.

Literally one of my favorite stories in baseball in the last decade has been the Mesa/Omar Vizquel feud. In Vizquel's masterful epic, "Omar! My Life On and Off the Field," he blames Mesa for losing the world series to the Marlin's. Yikes. This slightly perturbed Mesa and he has stated publicly that "he wants to kill him" multiple times. Omar, the D-bag author extraordinaire responded "I don't know if that's really what he meant when he said that," "Sometimes we would say in Spanish, 'I'm gonna kill you.' But in the translation, that's not really what we meant." Well, that seems somewhat plausible, unfortunately, Mesa was serious.

It's a shame that the public demand alone literally made it impossible for Omar Vizquel not to write this autobiography. Since the book, Mesa has vowed to hit Vizquel everytime...and he has, all 3 times they've met. "I will not forgive him. Even my little boy (Jose Jr.) told me to get him. If I face him 10 more times, I'll hit him 10 times. I want to kill him." Asked later if he'd accept an apologo from Vizquel, Mesa responded with "If he comes to apologize, I will punch him right in the face. And then I'll kill him.” I love that he makes it clear before "killing him" that he intends to punch him in the face first. Mesa also has been accused of rape, for testing out his umm, uhh his split finger grip on an unsuspecting female he was wooing.

Since this little episode, Mesa has gone on for many years of mediocrity, luckily we signed him for cheap and only one year. He'll likely take time away from Grilli in the bullpen and add a notable old man stench to the pitching staff.

The mysterious wrist injury that caused Zumaya to miss time during the ALCS was finally solved. Guitar Hero 2 for the Playstation was the culprit in this instance. Yes, our most dominant pitcher missed the ALCS because he was playing the video game guitar too hard. Well, at first admittedly I thought that his acting debut in those Comcast high speed internet commercials were the reason. Without going into detail...I just thought he might have enjoyed his high speed internet...a bit too much. Sadly, his reason for missing the ALCS might actually be more pathetic then that.

In super-fantastically awesome news, the Tigers reached a 4 year agreement with Bonderman for 38 million. This is actually less then I thought he'd get, but maybe he just really enjoys making snowmen.

104 days until opening day.

12/5, Obscure Ex-Tiger of the day

The Detroit Tigers shocked the baseball world bringing in this sure-fire 1st ballot Canadian hall of famer to spark a run into the post-season in 2006. His rugged good looks and looping lefty uppercut swing swooned the hearts of many a lady in Detroit, but the Tigers decided not to bring Matt back. His 14 game stint produced immediate dividends as he hit a robust .244 with 3 HR's. Actually, his dramatic homerun in bottom of the 8th inning against the Royals on the last day of the season looked as if it would win us a division. But, the Royals were just too good.

Matt finished #17 in the AL balloting for MVP in 1999, but, to anyone who knows this gentle giant, he easily finished #1 in our hearts. I don't know if another stint with an MLB team in his future, if not, I always thought he'd make an excellent lumberjack. Feel free to share your true, or untrue stories of the certified beefcake.

Finally...it's here. The much ballyhooed ROD ALLEN CHARGING THE MOUND VIDEO HAS BEEN FOUND. Go here, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw8iF9Zxaz0

If you are still playing the Rod Allen drinking game, even though it's the off-season...this clip calls for you to drive to the nearest state that sells Everclear and down this bottle quickly as possible. After every shot, yell your favorite "Rodism" as loudly and as slurred as possible. Also, the fact that this video sounds like it's from the Japanese equivalent of America's Funniest Home Video's actually adds to the enjoyment value immensely.

Alright, now on to actual Tiger news. As any person with a pulse can tell you, the WINTER MEETINGS are going on right now. The only way I can rationally explain the importance of these meetings is by saying that they are "the superbowl of the MLB off-season," which, in essence, makes it mostly meaningless. The Tigers are thought to involved in some potential trades. The two biggest names being thrown around are Craig Monroe and Mike Maroth. Considering I hear about 10 halfbaked Tigers rumors a day, I doubt anything will happen.

117 days until opening day

Single A Champions

It’s the last week of November, get out the tequila, you know what time it is! What's that you screamed at your computer screen? Yep, you nailed it, the release of the annual ranking of baseball prospects!

No real surprises here in the Tigers top 5. Cameron "megajesus" Maybin top's the list followed by the good doctor, Andrew Miller. Brent Clevlen comes in at 3rd. And, I'm sure all of 4 of my readers are extremely upset with me that I didn't include a "Clevlen Rocks!" joke here. I'd apologize, but I really wouldn’t mean it. That show made me upset. This just reminded me how much I hated Whose line is it anyway?....Serenity now... My main man Jair "mcnair" Jurrjens is #4 with Jordan "the hata" Tata rounding out the top 5.

If I had to place a value on a 1-10 scale of each of how important these prospects are to the Tigers organization, this is how I’d do it. Tata-7, Jurrjens-8, Clevlen-7, Miller-9.5 and finally Maybin I’d give a 14.

In other random news, Sheffield continues to brag about giving noogies to Abreu in the Yankee’s lockeroom, and Casey is back for another year. You’d really think that signing a 1^st baseman would emit a reaction from me, but I’m amazingly numb to this whole thing. Casey was a wang-tang disappointment for the season, but he really was the only good player on the Tigers this World Series. Besides Rogers, who pitched with pine tar on his hand which the media basically equated to pushing elderly women down flights of stairs.

Going into this off-season, I really would not have been opposed to moving Guillen to 1^st and picking up a 3B and moving Inge to SS. The production Guillen gives you at SS is pretty sexy, but the amount of errors he committed were bogus and I worry about his range with his knee. With him at 1B, this really isn’t a concern whatsoever. Inge has terrific range at 3B, but the SS has more balls hit to him so it might be prudent to take advantage of his range and arm strength and move him to SS. Plus, Inge’s #’s are pretty sub-par for a 3B. There are many upgrades available. At SS, his .253 average and 27 Hr’s still make for a pretty above average SS. Well, maybe next year. Guillen is solid fundamentally, and he was healthy all of last year, so I look for some improvement to his consistency.

It’s the end of November, so I feel it is now safe to assume that the Tigers roster will remain completely unchanged in the next 5 months. So, I feel it’s the perfect time to introduce the starting lineup if I were manager.

1. Granderson
2. Polanco
3. Guillen
4. Sheffield
5. Ordonez
6. Rodriguez
7. Monroe
8. Casey
9. Inge

My projected Leyland lineup. Logically it makes zero sense. But this seems to be how his twisted brain works.

1. Rodriguez
2. Monroe
3. Sheffield
4. Casey
5. Ordonez
6. Granderson
7. Guillen
8. Polanco
9. Inge

Sadly, this is the kind of nonsense that I doodle during all of the expensive classes I go to. Yes, I create hypothetical lineups and I draw pictures of me on the Tigers robbing homeruns in center field. Don’t judge.

Buck up, 124 days until opening day and 92 days until we mervin the Phillies.

Tigers Acquire Pedro Cerrano

When I found out the Tigers traded for Gary Sheffield I ran around the house in a frenzy. The only way I can describe it would be comparing it to the Ultimate Warrior running into the ring and annihilating Randy Savage and then doing the legendary Warrior Spaz out in the middle of the ring. In a sense, Sheffield reminds of the Ultimate Warrior. Both have been accused of steroids and both are at their absolute best when you make them angry.

The Sheffield batting stance bat wiggle has scared me shitless for the last 14 years of my life. It has also inspired little league baseball players across the nation to have absolutely horrific batting stances. This trade provides us with arguably a top 10 hitter that is universally feared to bat in the middle of our line up. In his last 3 healthy seasons he hit no worse then .290, 121 Rbi's and 34 Hr's. Wa wa wi wa! He also provides a rock in the middle of the lineup that is patient at the plate and finished in the top 10 in MVP voting in his last 3 years. His injury was completely fluky last year, and he has been cleared to be healthy going into next year. If you remember during game 4 he hit 4th in the "most feared lineup of all-time" for the Yankees.

A lot of haters have been upset with who we gave up for Sheffield. We gave up arguably our best pitching prospect not named Andrew Miller in Humberto Sanchez and also gave up two single A pitchers most notably Kevin Whelan. If you are a goober like me, you'll remember Sanchez had arm trouble last year and was unable to finish the year. Also, he is a large man and some doubt that with his chunkiness he'd ever be healthy for an entire year. He is a great talent, no doubt, but a) he's unreliable right now and b) there's a 99.5% he won't play in Detroit next year. Also, as long-time depressed Tiger fans we've really only been able to be excited about our prospects in the last decade. We over value them way too much. Unless you started being a Tigers fan last year, you have no idea how many prospects failed miserably. Everyone isn't Zumaya or Verlander.

Our lineup is getting pretty fogeyish; the time to win is now. We traded ZERO major league players and added Sheffield. His presence in the middle of the lineup should allow all of our players to see better pitches and should help us out top to bottom. With Jair Jurrgens, Tata and Miller providing depth, we will be alright.

Verlander won ROY, Leyland won coach of the year. In other news, water is still wet.

Smoke on the Walker is most likely to be an Oriole in the next couple of days, and the Tigers are rumored to be involved with many potential free agents/trades. People actually being somewhat excited to play in Detroit for the first time in my lifetime is literally setting this up to be one of the more sexy off seasons of our lifetime.

Here is your bonus for reading all of this mindless dribble. http://youtube.com/watch?v=SNEd4KH_A4s

136 days until opening day.

2ND PLACE!

First off let me apologize personally to all my loyal readers, all 7 of you. I know after the World Series ended you've been on this website refreshing it every 5 minutes only for my drab, depressing World Series preview to pop up. Well, good news, I'm done pouting and ready to accept reality.

After punching a hole in a wall in my house after game 4 and literally almost having man tears come down my face as I was dressed as Master Splinter during a Halloween party at my house during game 5...I feel like I'm almost ready to embrace the off-season. Almost. First off, I want to give a hearty wag of the finger to the Tiger's World Series performance. It's incredibly bittersweet that the Tigers played their two worst weeks of baseball during the last week of the regular season and the World Series which cost us a division and world championship. 5 errors in 5 games by the pitchers. I felt like my heart got mcgahee'd. This was simply one of the stupidest championship performances I've ever seen.

Now, that I've once again needlessly depressed myself yet again, I'm starting to twitch uncontrollably at the thought of 2007. Our pitching should be as good if not better then this year. With Don Slaught "wanting to spend time with his family," hopefully Leon Durham will be promoted and we can learn one of the basic rules of baseball, that is taking a pitch and swinging at the pitch you want and not being at the mercy of the pitcher every game. One of the most important off-season moves was already made, and that was re-signing Dombrowski to a 4 year extension. Even though I still might want to judo chop him for the 2003 season, he has proven that he is one of the elite GM's in all of baseball. I mean, we traded an attempted ax murderer for the future ALCS MVP. That's smarts.

This off-season is going to be to be sexy. So far, we've been rumored to be acquiring Barry Bonds, Manny Ramirez, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Carlos Lee, Alfonso Soriano, Frank Thomas, Adam Dunn, Aramis Ramirez, Mark Teixeira just to name a few. We are also rumored to be trading everyone not named Zumaya, Verlander and Guillen. So, this might actually be interesting.

146 days until opening day, Go Tigers.

World Series Haiku

Tigers Win Pennant
Leyland Shits Solid Gold Bricks
Eat Em' Up Tigers

When North Korea was testing their nuclear weapons last week, I was furious that a potential nuclear holocaust could potentially screw up my watching of the Tigers in the first world series of my lifetime. Does this make me wrong, for sure. But this best of 7 series of baseball that starts tomorrow is more important then nuclear war. Also, I was alive during the 1984 world series but I was only 40 or so days old at the time. I'd like to think that my birth served to rally those Tigers for their pennant and post season run. So, I was in a sense, a rally baby.

As I predicted, Detroit swept Oakland to win the American League Pennant. When Slater hit that ball 650 ft. to win the ALCS I am almost certain vital internal organs spontaneously combusted. I didn't care though, if it takes a new spleen for the Tigers to play for the World Series that is an easy trade-off. I did have a bottle of champagne sprayed into my face and then poured on my head. It's true; the champagne does sting the eyes quite a bit. Also, the way to tell I am actually a full fledged dweeb is my ring tone for my cell phone is Dan Dickerson’s call of the walk-off homerun.

Nelly's St. Louis Cardinals travel to the Bank for game 1 tomorrow. These teams played each other in June, or something, and the Tigers swept. I was at I think 2 out of 3 of these games and I distinctly remember sitting in deep right field fully knowing that I was watching a preview of the upcoming World Series. I wasn't able to get tickets to the World Series, but this is ok. Starting last Monday at 10 am until this minute I've probably spent 10 hours on Ticketmaster typing in those scribbly passwords. If I ever meet the Ticketmaster in real life, I'd have no hesitation of beating him to a bloody pulp with my Detroit Tigers commemorative American League champions bat. Breathe in, breathe out. SERENITY NOW. I wish somehow to get World Series tickets you would have to register how many games you went to during the 2003 season. All of these fans who just joined in this year, that's fine, I'm happy you are here, but you have my world series ticket. It's just that simple.

Obviously, Jeff Weaver and Juan Encarnacion play an integral role on this Cardinals team. Dream Weaver is slated to start game 2 where I'm sure he will receive an incredible ovation by the Detroit faithful and Encarnacion provides protection behind Pujols. CY Young candidate Anthony Reyes starts game 1 for the Lunatics against Verlander. This is literally the most important thing ever, so, why not start Anthony Reyes in game 1.

Go Tigers.

TIGERS CRAP ON YANKEE'S HEARTS

"Attention Steinbrenner and front-office morons! Your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it, and rotate! This is George Costanza. I fear no reprisal. Extension five-one-seven-oh."

The Tigers play Oakland in the ALCS after pantsing the yankee's and there 5.6 billion dollar annual salary. Because I feel so lowly about my reader's IQ level the only way I can truly convey to you how evil the yankee's are is compare them to King Bowsers Kids.

Wendy O. Koopa is Derek Jeter. Game 2 was cancelled solely based on the purpose that the rain would have made Jeter's mascara run. Jason Giambi is Iggy Koopa. This wacked out roid rager was benched for game 4. Bobby Abreu is Ludwig Von Koopa. C'mon, they look exactly alike. A-rod is Roy Koopa. As you can tell, this Koopa has style, but he is just an average crumb-bum that mario easily conquers. Morton Koopa Jr is gary sheffield. If baseball games were won by how strongly you shake your bat pre-pitch then he'd be undefeated. Obviously, this isn't how baseball is won, but he is a terrific 1st basemen. Larry koopa is whore-hay posada. Just a mediocre koopa, just like posada would be considered a mediocre catcher if he didn't play for the yankees. Lemmy Koopa is Johnny Damon. Just like Lemmy Koopa, Damon is wicked bad.

I'm pretty sure the main reason we won this series is Johnny Damon. This fuckwad and his curtain call in the 4th inning of game 2 literally pissed god off so much that he gave joel zumaya super powers to humiliate "the greatest line-up of all-time." If I hear that one more time I'll puke up a lung, I swear. Rogers and Bonderman then obviously gave up a combined 2 runs in 2 games against a lineup with all all-stars. I bought my tickets to game 3 a long time ago and was able to attend game 4 due to the generosity of my reader of the week, Danny Wilson. Wilson, for your great act, I’ll be sending you out a Gene Kingsale autographed baseball and a lovely dinette set.

Also, the celebration after game 4 was the coolest thing I think I've ever seen and totally necessary.

Anyways, on to the ALCS foe OAKLAND. I've been struggling to come up with a reason to truly despise this team. At first, I was going to use the angle that we could crush ex-tiger Hiram Bocachica’s heart, but admittedly that was weak...until, I stumbled upon this steaming pile at http://www.mlbmascots.com/athletics.htm .

“Stomper is the mascot of the Oakland Athletics, a Major League Baseball club. It is an elephant wearing A’s jersey of the number 00. The baseball season is long and Stomper prepares himself to stay fit. As he is the only elephant in the weight room and the only pampered sweet creature, he teases the players with his cute remarks. Before each game, he rides around the field in a little red car “Boogie Buggy” while a song from The Jungle Book movie soundtrack is played.”

I cry thinking about the imbecile who wrote this. Mascot’s generally don’t mean anything, but this is…just…terrible. Stomper actually does make Sir Slam A lot (old pistons mascot) look like royalty. If I ever run into Stomper, I’ll spit at him. He disgusts me.

Tigers in 4. Go Tigers.

Tigers introduce Yankees to the AL DEEZ NUTZ

I don't really want to talk about that epic choke job by the tigers anymore. In my opinion, it was 10 times worse then getting mugged in Huntington woods. I'm getting violently ill just thinking about it. Let's talk ALDS, Det./NY(A).

Detroit Tigers vs. the New York baby killers. It doesn't really get any better then this, ever. Seriously, Tigers vs. kitten beaters, this will be the pinnacle of your life. After this series, we might as well all just wilt away and lie in the fetal position and reminisce about this epic series between the tigers and the New York mark Foley’s. Here are an extremely poor in depth analysis of the tigers upcoming 3 game sweep.

GAME 1. Robertson/wang.
Ok, this Yankee’s team is good, but if your #1 pitcher in the post season is named Wang, I'm not terribly scared. And, I'll laugh every time joe buck says something like "all Yankee’s want Wang in the ass." Anyway's, Tigers win 1-0 on an alexis gomez homerun in the top of the 9th. George the animal Steinbrenner's head explodes. The world rejoices.

GAME 2. Verlander/mussina.
He's nicknamed after a moose. That is dumb. Anyway's, Verlander win's the game and then sleeps with all of the Yankee’s wives/husbands after the game. Because, that's what he does. Tigers beat the New York Slobodan Milosevic lovers 14-0.

GAME 3. Rogers/Johnson.
I could make a cheap joke about his last name being "Johnson," so I will. I will laugh every time Joe bucks say's "Jeter and A-rod love johnson, and I mean they want wang up the ass." Tiger's win 11-0. This is the game I'll be at. I'll be the guy harassing matsui in Japanese all game.

Here's a funny Matsui tidbit I stumbled upon recently. It also put's a whole new twist on his broken wrist injury.

"Of course, he likes to watch his much vaunted porno collection, tapes that he often trades with Japanese reporters. As one Japanese journalist put it, describing Matsui's affinity for such unique Japanese cultural institutions like the no-panties shabu-shabu in Japan, "Matsui is a horny guy. All of us are horny, more or less. But Matsui doesn't attempt to hide the fact." Yet another win for the Japanese Everyman."

Seriously, there is no shortage of material why you should hate the Yankees. They are all despicable excuses of human beings and their black hearts produce carbon dioxide that is ripping apart our ozone. Yes, the yankees are the root cause of global warming. Also, the 200+ million $ yankee's players make is all used to fund terrorism.

Go tigers, save America.

YOU SCARED!? Tigers in the playoffs

If you are anything like me, you've locked yourself in a room and have been blaring "the final countdown" on volume 11, while playing with your jim leyland homemade doll that you made out of playdough in anticipation for the final weekend of regular season baseball. Hopefully, for your sake, you are not like me. But in my conscious life I've never been alive to appreciate the enormity of what is going on. The best way I can describe this final weekend is 9/11, aids, and the plague all mixed together in a bowl, and then blown up with a nuclear bomb and then you get the importance of this series with the royals.

As you know, the tiggers and twins are tied. we hold the tie breaker. We need to at least match their record for home field advantage in the 1st round. This is of uber importance to me because I was ticketmaster's bitch and was there at 10 am and sold my soul for standing room tickets to game 1. If the Tigers hold on, the game is Tuesday....the same day as one of my tests. Being the scholar student that I am, I told my teacher flat out that I couldn't make the test and put myself on her mercy. The test was only worth 30% of my final grade...so it was definitely worth it. Thank god my charming wit and electrifying good looks melted her heart and she told me I could go to game 1. What a prof!

Anyways, the tigers clinched a playoff spot in KC the other day. They held a "low key" 220 bottles of champagne celebration. This pretty much was one of the top 5 moments of my life. Remembering this celebration, I'm a little verklempt right now. Give me a second. Talk amongst yourselves ... There I feel better. Todd Jones crying. it had it all. This might be crazy talk, but in my opinion, the tigers should make the playoffs every year.

While I'm writing this, the tigers are beating the royals like they stole something. they are up 5-0. I'm not making this up, Rod was talking about one of his cousins and said, ""He's named Luigi Mario .. and hes a brother."....if you're playing at home, that qualifies as "general silliness." drink up.

The most important thing in the history of mankind

Intense rivalries are what makes competition great. Rivalries such as red sox/yankees, Duke/UNC, Red vs. Black from Wild N' Out and finally detroit/chicago have raised the stakes significantly. Starting tonight, the tigers take on the black sox in the most important series in Tigers baseball in almost 20 years. The Tigers have been steadily farting away their lead in the Central/Wildcard and enter today 1 game up over the Nick Punto lead minnesota Twins. If the Tigers manage to miss the playoffs this year, I'm literally going to hibernate this winter. This is a fact.

Let's break down this series a little bit.
Kenny Rogers vs. Mark turdley tonight. I'm hoping Rogers sets the tone early and nails Dye and Crede in the ribs with 84 Mph fastballs. Obviously, they are then out for the season. Tigers win 37-0.

Justin Verlander vs. Freddy Turdcia. Tigers put in major league 2 prior to the game, remember what a cocky SOB jack parkman was and verlander strikes out jim thome 3 times with the eliminator, the terminator, and of course the masturbator. Tigers win this game 1-0 when neifi perez "has an angel" and hits his first career ball out of the infield for the game winning sac fly.

Jeremy Bonderman vs. Jon Turdland. This game is a laugher the entire way. The Tigers win this game 34-7. The White sox are effectively eliminated from the playoffs ensuring the tigers the wildcard at worst. Jim Leyland can finally remove the last slide showing off Mike Illitch's boobs.

In other news, The tigers signed another sub par LH hitter. This time, Matthew Wade Stairs gets the chance. Remember when everyone was spazzing out in june about our dire need for a left hand bat? and that Leyland said that we weren't just looking for LH bat just for the sake of having a LH bat, the player must also be good at baseball?... yeah, well, apparently we are fibbers. Also, Polanco said yesterday he is out for the year. The team said he isn't, but we are fibbers like I said before.

and, just for the hell of it, here's Harry Dunne singing about the Tigers. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1qyAfxLkeg

go tigers.

Now that the lions are out of contention, Go Tigers.

Neifi Perez is the Pussycat Dolls of major league baseball. Both have very little talent but both for whatever reason see lots of playing time. Some other hopelessly devoted schmoe created this website, http://www.fireneifi.com/ . This website really doesn't do it for me, first off, if I had created an anti-neifi website the address would be http://www.punchneifiintheface.clownpenis.fart . For the three of you who got clownpenis.fart joke, i hope you enjoyed it. And for the other three of you who clicked on that hoping it was a real website, I'm sorry, it's not real, but you're an idiot.

Obviously, the shocking news of the week is the sudden release of dmitri young. This really came out of nowhere, and that's why it annoys me so much. A general rule of thumb is you do not release your #3 hitter in september during a pennant race. Obviously, he was a sucky 3 hitter, but this still shouldn't be happening in september. He should have been dealt with much earlier.

The Tigers are 1.5 games up in the al central. Hopefully, Leyland has a risqué picture of mike illitch in the locker room and every time they win, they remove a slide. If it worked in major league, it works in the major leagues. and if you just vomited something up after reading that sentence, thank you for reading this far.

This upcoming home stand against $texas$ and the orioles is crucial. It's definitely more important then school, and my general mental health combined. The Tigers are starting to get some players back from injuries. Maroth and guillen returned...still no polanco. If neifi takes his spot again, I'll bash myself with a hammer every time that neifi either hits a dribbler to the 3rd basemen on a half swing, or pops up a bunt with no one on base. I'm most likely going to have intense surgery in the near future. If I'd have to compare sean casey's and neifi perez's play of late to a disease...cholera would be the easy choice. Yes, leaky anus would be the perfect way to describe these two, Casey is hitting .065 in september with a .065 OBP%. This is so bad. I could do this, and for once I might not be incredibly overestimating my skills. I think I could easily hit .080 with an obp% of around .110 or something. Ok, i'm overestimating my skills, but the fact that I actually just debated with myself if I could play better then a professional getting paid around 8 mill a year in a pennant chase is pretty terrible.

Kevin Hooper played in a game recently. This really has nothing to do with anything, other then i think it's great that the tigers and the Make-a-wish foundation have such a great relationship. Also, AC Slater is starting to swing the bat well for the Tigers again. If Slater can improve his RF play and his knee holds up, he still might get that scholarship to Iowa.

EAT EM' UP TIGERS.

"WOOOOOWEEEEE"

If you're confused about the meaning of this title, go to this and watch it a couple thousand times... http://youtube.com/watch?v=JKF8M8fM44E. This homerun was easily the most important Tiger home run I've seen in my life. I'm not counting anything pre 1990, because I'd equate my intelligence at the time to a brain dead fetus. I wouldn't even be surprised if Rod Allen talked to Craig Monroe during batting practice, and this had a calming influence on him which allowed him to hit the clutch homerun.

Another important thing happened in that series against the new york king bowsers, the mlb debut of andrew miller. The good doctor came in and pitched a scoreless inning of relief. Usually when a player is drafted in the mlb, it takes him a couple years minimum. For miller, he pitched 9 innings total in Single A ball and we decided he was ready. Could you imagine making your MLB debut, in yankee stadium, during the middle of a pennant race? The only debut that I think was more anticipated was the debut of steve nebraska in the scout. and that movie sucked.

OBSCURE EX-TIGER OF THE DAY....Nook Logan

This former Tiger was traded to the Washington Nationals for a player to be named later. Obviously, we got the better end of this trade. This former Fanatic U spokesman, made "speedy" sanchez look like Lou Brock. (see the commercial here, http://www.fanaticu.com/customer/home.php click on CMO AND DMITRI under "commercials). Nook will probably serve as a lifetime pinch runner, because, well, he can't do anything else remotely well. This much ballyhooed CFer will fade into Tiger's lore as one of the least talented "baseball" players to ever wear ye olde' english D.

While i was concocting this think piece, the zumaya comcast commercial came on. Is comcast high speed internet really as fast as a zumaya fast ball? Oh man, that commerical is well done.

Today is my 22nd birthday. World peace, eternal happiness, those are swell, but I'd definitely rather have a Tiger's series win over the mariners. Or, Rod Allen to show up at my birthday party at Discovery Zone.

WHO DAT TALKING 'BOUT BEATIN' DEM TIGERS?!

I'm hoping that an update to my diary will wake up the sacred spirits of ole' tiger lore and catapult us to a lengthy winning streak. If a cartoon tiger hopped up on hallucinogens can't do it, then we are just out of luck. Honestly, I'd be all in favor or replacing ye olde English D in favor this. Actually, this is probably a fairly good interpretation of what baseball was like for dmitri young pre rehab. Unfortunately, that realization kind of just depressed me, and there should be nothing depressing about this old logo at all.

"I think Sean Casey has gotten the respect he has because people respect him a lot."
-jim thome

jim thome, master of infinite wisdom said that gem the other day. I was at the chicago game where thome pulled his hamstring the other day. The WAHHHmbulance had to come and take him out of the game. I felt really bad about that, really, i did.

The Tigers made a blockbuster trade the other day acquiring Neifi Perez from the cubs. Honestly, the only thing I like about neifi perez is that his name is neifi. I'm upset we dealt black crowes frontman/single a baseball catcher Chris Robinson for him. Robinson was considered by some to be our best minor league catcher. I think we got neifed bad on that trade, but oh well. I'd still prefer infante playing e'ryday over perez.

Blowing up ipods across the country, I proudly present "Tigers gonna do it again!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1iGuCcVCSI

Tigers travel to Cleveland and NYC to slap around those silly nannies on a road trip. Hopefully, we can beat them emotionally/physically and we will come out better off.

Oh-wee-Oh

After examining this picture for a good 10-15 minutes I still can't conclude whether Magglio is actually a braindead mute, or if he is the new Rico Sauve. I mean, he's autographing his balls. That's either genius, or just so ridiculously Magglio. I honestly don't think I have given him the credit that he deserves.

Anyways, The tigers completed the dreaded Sox/Sox road trip and came back a little bit worse off. I was out of town during the last 4 games of the losing streak, so it's your fault, not mine this happened. I come back to detriot, and blammo, we take two out of three in Bawstan. Shake my hand, and welcome me back home if you see me around.

Verlander has stopped looking Bob Gibsonesque on the mound recently. This is dissapointing, but it could have been easily predicted. Recent examples of this are Liriano, who literally cried after the tigers beat him the last week, and Dontrelle Willis who was a Cy Young candidate but by the 2003 playoffs he worked out of the bullpen. It takes a while for rookie pitchers to get their arms strong enough to be able to endure a 162 game season. Hopefully with Maroth coming back he can help decrease our other starters innings while hopefully being as effective as he was at the beginning of the year. We also dearly miss Rod Allen commenting after every maroth strike how much of an influence Rogers has been on him.

The Tigers are in the midst of an 8 game home stand against texas ranger, and those same pale hosers who swept us the week earlier. The magic number for us to clinch the AL Central title is 36. Obviously, this is pretty much on par with what we all predicted before the season started. Ho-hum.

Rod Allen drinking game

I get zero credit for creating this, but I feel like this could become a very good way to watch Tigers games and also blackout by the the middle of the 5th inning. Feel free to add your own "allenism's" and their respected drinking amount.

THE
ROD ALLEN
DRINKING GAME


1 DRINK ————————————————————————————————————————–––
When Rod says “Mario” or “partner.”

3 DRINKS ————————————————————————————————————————–

When Rod says “elevated.”

When Rod says “skipper.”

5 DRINKS ————————————————————————————————————————–

When Rod makes any kind of reference to a player or his ability being “special”

When Rod says the phrase “oh no he didn’t.”

When Rod says the phrase “from time to time.”

When Rod says “cheese.”

When Rod says “features,” “featuring” or “featured.”

When Rod refers to Leyland as a beauty.

When Rod says “filthy.”

When Rod repeats a statement or point he made earlier in the game.

7 DRINKS —————————————————————————————————————————
Whenever Rod says he talked to someone at batting practice.

When Rod says the phrase “professional hitter.”

8 DRINKS ——————————————————————————————————————————–

When Rod makes reference to his coaching/broadcasting career in Arizona.

When Rod makes reference to Kenny Rogers’ influence on the young pitching staff.
Whenever Rod makes the statement “some kind of _____.” (IE: Some kind of smooth)
Whenever Rod talks about the benefit to a defense when a young pitcher works quickly.

When Mike Maroth is pitching and Rod mentions Tom Glavine’s influence on him.

10 DRINKS ————————————————————————————————————————————–
When Rod asks Mario if he worked out today. » Drink double if he asks this during a home game.
When Rod makes reference to cotton candy. » Drink double if he makes reference to pink cotton candy.
When Rod makes reference to how much fun Pudge is having. » Drink double if it is anyone else.
When Rod makes reference to the Carlos Guillen trade.

When Rod says the phrase “game within the game.”

When Rod says the phrase, “the unintentional, intentional walk.”

When Rod makes reference to how “smooth” any of the Tiger middle infielders are. » Drink double if it is anyone else.

12 DRINKS —————————————————————————————————————————————————–
When Rod makes reference to his playing career. * Rod only had about 50 career ABs, 20 with the Tigers.

20 DRINKS —————————————————————————————————————————————————— ——
When the footage of Rod charging the mound in Japan is shown.


General Silliness 2 drinks may be had when Rod displays general silliness. This optional rule can be applied in group or individual play and can be declared before the game or invoked when the silliness occurs. General silliness can be loosely interpreted as that’s why it’s not technically part of the rules. Experienced players will recognize
this activity which can include stepping over the play by play with yelps, screams or any array of noises, use of non-words, abundant laughing or appearing overly giddy.

We have more wins then last year.

Whenever you share a nickname with NBA great Fred Hoiberg you know you’re destined for great things. What I like about this poster is it honestly looks like a grand total of 8 minutes went into the total production of this poster. What's crazy about this poster is that the picture actually wasn't altered at all. Sean Casey was actually struck by multiple bolts of pinkish lightning when playing during the Reds traditional pinkish hue night. Fortunately, these lightning bolts possessed him with great superpowers such as, the ability to move in a fashion eerily similar to that of Frankenstein and the ability to hit for a high on base percentage. All we had to do to get this, I guess, politically savvy 1st basemen was trade scrub double AA pitcher Brian Rogers. Pittsburgh honestly at this point in the season just doesn't give a flying fuck anymore.

I've honestly not been the mayor’s biggest supporter over the years but I still like this trade. The main thing I like about this trade is it gets Shelton out of the line-up and back in AAA hopefully sacrificing some livestock in order to please the sacred hitting gods. Although not conventional, this method has paid high dividends in the past. Seriously, the last 3 months Shelton has looked like an injured fawn at the plate who is in dire need of TLC that the Mudhens so often provide. The mayor runs on the platform of steady base hits and walks while providing a solid foundation at 1st base. He strictly opposes traditional strong power numbers for a 1st baseman, the ability to run around the bases in under 4 minutes and also he obviously hates terrorism.

Brent Clevlen recently got called up for honestly no apparent reason. When your hitting .240 in AA and struggling with your power #'s...this usually isn't the time that the team with best current record would call you up for the playoff push. This makes more sense though when you consider the fact that A)he almost made the Tigers out of spring training and B) we couldn't call Gomez back up for another 10 or so days. Thankfully, Clevlen has been very "Kalineish" this first couple of games. 2 outfield assists, a batting average around .600 and 2 Hr's over 400 feet. If he could continue his pace of hitting around .600 with one outfield assist and one HR every game he starts, this would also be beneficial.

From the "why the fuck is Todd Jones being asked about his underwear" department of the news this gem came up. When asked what he brings on road trips, Jones replied, "I don't pack any underwear," he said. "I wear it into the park, it gets washed every day and I wear it out of the park. I guess that's weird. I'm not proud of it, but I'm cutting down on space." Well, Todd, I'm not proud of that either. Honestly, if you asked me what was the most disappointing thing to happen to me in the last week, I'd honestly say hearing this about Todd Jones way worse then getting mugged. I apologize in advance if this last paragraph haunts your dreams and cripples your thoughts.

Also, apparently the two dudes that mugged me in the Wood's have been arrested. Apparently, they went after some woman with a knife and robbed her but they caught them a couple hours later. One of them had my cell phone on them still. They probably just really liked hearing my Impemba ringtone. Can't fault them for that. But it sounds like I'm going to get to do one of those high tech police line-ups. I'm actually happy whenever I think about this, because i'm almost at the point where I've convinced myself that Kramer might actually be in my line up.

The Tigers finally head home tomorrow after their exhilarating tour of the worst ballparks in mlb history. The Indians this weekend, and then the Twins. These teams are stupid, so I hope we beat them. That’s pretty much the extent of my in depth analysis for these two series.

ROAR.

35 over .500. Not too shabby, Pahdnuh

Last Tuesday night wasn't a good night. I was robbed at gunpoint while driving in the mean streets of Huntington Woods and had a gun put to my head while my cell phone and wallet were stolen. Eric, who was serving as my Rod Allen for the night also had his wallet stolen and was punched repeatedly in the face. To quote Rod, "They were beatin' on him like he stole something!" Except, obviously he was getting punched and robbed, so I guess that doesn't really fit. Obviously, feeling like you were about to get shot in the back of the head is a lousy feeling, but it's nothing compared to the feeling of losing to Cleveland. The Tigers won the finale, thus taking the series, and all was well again.

Being the first victim of an armed robbery in Huntington Wood's in multiple years is kind of an odd feeling. I mean, being that it was me, that’s a hell of a way to end the slump. Basically, I’m about as surprised that I almost got shot on Dundee as when Alexis Gomez gets a base hit. I found out that since my wallet was taken the two perp's used my credit card 6 times in a matter of an hour or so. What makes this even worse is the fact that they bought gas 6 fucking times, nothing else, just fucking gas. So now I have to live with the fact that my credit card's last dying action went to supporting terrorist regimes. That's a hell of a thing to have on your conscience.

Welp, the Tigers end their road trip by visiting the two ugliest stadiums in the over 100 year history of professional baseball. Obviously, I'm talking about the Metrodome, and Tropicana field. The Twins are now tied with the White Sox. So hopefully we can bash around the Twins and the ghost of Kent Hrbek. True, Hrbek’s not dead, but that man ruined many nights for me when I was wee lad. Luckily we get to face Liriano and Santana in this series, so it's basically safe to assume a sweep is merely a formality in this series.

Here is carlos guillen's walk off HR against the KC.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zk-Ri48dtik&search=detroit%20tigers

The drunk who is filming this from what looks like the Tiger den does a good job of setting the scene. Unfortunately this just stirs up fond memories from my stolen cell phone. No joke, my ring tone was Mario Impemba. It was quite honestly very pathetic. But I loved hearing Impemba's golden vocal chords scream repeatedly "ANOTHER WALK-OFF HOMERUN FOR THE TIGERS!" over and over again. Usually, I'd just let it go straight to voicemail and enjoy it in its entirety.

Here’s a friendly reminder, if you really want a Chalupa from Taco Bell and your in Huntington Wood’s… just remember to weigh the pros and cons. For example, the cheesy/meaty goodness of the Chalupa vs. the possibility of getting shot in the face. Personally, I’d still go with the Chalupa.

Tiger Style

The Tigers extended their lead for overall best record in baseball to 5.5 games. I was at the first and 3rd games of the white sox series. The first game was pretty much the equivalent to being on the recieving end of a kyle farnsworth body slam. The second game was much better. I almost shattered both my fists punching whatever was near me (wall, chair, cat, etc.) after monroe's grandslam. It even almost resulted in a fight with pierzynski. it was terrific, and for your audio pleasure here is dan dickerson spazzing out after the grandslam. Then jim price massages your ear lobes with his unparalleled baseball analysis. Yeah, that last sentence was extremely sarcastic.

http://web.ics.purdue.edu/~ebajek/MonroeGS.wav

The third game was probably the most exciting baseball game I've ever been to. Even though in my life I've probably been to well over 250 tiger games in person...that really isn't saying much. I mean, I think approximately i've seen the tigers play the royals 100 times in mid august when the teams are a combined 75 games under .500. Anyways, the play of the day was marcus thames taking out iguchi at second base. when this happened, I literally swore 15 times in 5 seconds and sincerely hoped that both his shoulders were dislocated and that he landed on his head hard enough that his brain would leak out of his ear. I'm pretty sure that makes me a terrible person, oh well. Tigers won 2-1 after shelton doubled in monroe following the take out slide.

dmitri young is back, literally. He's been called up. I'm not sure who's going to be sent down, but my best guess would be santiago sent down. Obviously, meathook has been pretty terrible for the tigers since after opening day last year. But, if he's not drunk, and not focused on hoe-smackin, he would be exactly what the tigers need. A switch hitting, somewhat power-hitting DH/1b would be perfect for us. Since shelton's deal with the devil apparently ended, he's been about the most replaceable player in the lineup. He'd still be our starter at 1b, but it would be nice to have some flexibility. If young could hit anywhere near his lifetime #'s (.291 avg., 21 Hr's, .348 obp), we would be so much better. Apparently he'll be batting 7th tonight and playing DH.

The Tigers are still rumored to be getting everyone. Along with the recent abreu/soriano rumors, i've heard shawn green, tom gordan, alex rodriguez, shea hillenbrand, smoltz (again), david Dellucci... So, really nothing has changed. Humberto sanchez has basically been involved in every trade rumor. I'd trade him if the price was right. His value is at it's highest following the futures game. It is literally almost impossible to assume that he'll be a great pitcher in the bigs, and we have lots of pitching depth in the minors and basically zero hitting depth. Plus, if we sign the good doctor, dr. destroyer (andrew miller) we'll be in even better shape. No way in hell I'd trade maybin. Honestly, the only players I'd trade him for right now are like albert pujols, or like miguel cabrera...every other player I'd have to think over. It's rumored the nationals asked for sanchez, Jurrjens (another high pitching prospect) AND maybin for soriano. I will stick forks in my eyeballs if this actually happens.

The tigers play the a's this weekend. obviously the park is sold out all 3 games. The Tigers bandwagon has increased by approximately 80 gazillion in the last month. Considering there were only like 10 diehard fans prior to this season, this is quite the change. In the last few weeks I've had atleast 5 girls who couldn't name the color of a baseball (FYI, white, with red stitches) debate with me who the tigers should be pitching/lineup decisions. Usually its something like, "why isn't Verlander pitching? he's so hottttt." My response usually is something like, "he pitched last night, he would injure his arm and be useless the rest of his career." "well, I don't care, he should be pitching, he is sooooooo hot." I then try to immediately change the subject and debate something more meaningful such as who's more musically talented, lindsey lohan or hillary duff. obviously, lindsey.

I apologize in advance if that last paragraph caused mental retardation in any of my readers.

eat em' up tigers.

2nd half haiku

tigers in first place
royals bow down to detroit
all hail leyland now

once again, this picture is strictly for my female readers. It's a legit todd jones bowman rookie card. If i could, I'd get this blown up and post this bia' on my door at my house next year. As cube said, you betta check yo self ‘for you wreck yo self. I think a giant todd jones picture completely illustrates this ice cube lyric. I'm thinking I should start wearing gold chains and and have a neatly manicured 'stache. That might work better then my normal pick-up lines which are rather lackluster..."hey sweetheart, let's get out of here and check out my detroit tigers blog," or, "do you play catcher? because you can catch my screwball....anyday," or "is that the new pussycat dolls song?! those girls are just one giant ball of talent!" See, i'm a mess....so, anyone know a good gold chain place?

last night i was at the game. there were over 32,000 people there for a weekday royals game. this is approximately 300% more people then average at a weekly royals game. our seats were "obstructed view." the foul poll was in the way. that was annoying. in the past, i'd usually use my ticket which i had purchased for under 5$ from a scalper on the street and sit in 35$ seats. Now that the bandwagon is in full force, I'm stuck behind the foul poll. stupid yellow foul poll. stupid mark teahen trying to ruin my night. alas, the tigers won 6-4. hooray! I think that boosted my season record in games I've attended to around 15-5. basically i'm running a shade better then the tigers season winning percentage. so, if any of you are superstitious, I'd definitely recommend taking me to the game.

dmitri young is about to be back from his rehab. hooray rehab! hopefully the newly svelt DY will start hurting baseballs instead of hurting college aged girls.

the tigers are rumored to be after every single baseball player who has hit over 5 hr's in a season and is a lefty. we are rumored to be offering literally everything. so its pointless to try to break any of this down. now, we are even rumored to be after righty's, most notably alfonso soriano. unfortunately, he strikes out a lot which is a big negative. but a huge positive for him is that his name is alfonso. I can't stress that enough. the only other alfonso i can think of is alfonso ribeiro AKA carlton from the fresh prince. laPhonso ellis of the nuggets doesn't count. alfonso green....I like that.

and yes, I'm aware that the tigers music video is down. I received countless complaints about that not working. wait, not countless...one total complaint. one outraged reader is enough for me though, here's a link to the song. its called "who's your tiger" by natives of the new dawn. TURN YOUR SPEAKERS UP, BECAUSE YOUR ARE ABOUT TO ROCK OUT!

http://myspace.com/nativesofthenewdawn

I think we should start a grassroots campaign right now and get this to the top of the TRL countdown. who's with me? oh, no one? ok, well, just enjoy this for what its worth then.

finally, the 2006 tigers have a theme song

the tigers are 31 games over .500...exactly where I thought they'd be. Seriously, stop hyperventilating. I'm pretty sure this is happening. You know Tiger fever has firmly gripped detroit by the go-nads when such gems such as this turn up on the internet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_l_z4tyxpM&search=detroit%20tigers

sure, it no "thong song," but this is going to be the lead track in my new mix cd titled "brady's tiger booty mix 2k8."

The Tigers have one game to go before the all-star break against the mariners. "google" tells me that a mariner is "a man who serves as a sailor." great, they sound tough. thank god, ability to navigate the high seas still has no impact on whether or not you win a baseball game.

a very important international competition takes place today. Yes, the futures game. Humberto sanchez (mudhen extraordinaire) is starting for team world. Cameron maybin is playing for team usa. "lets go shake their hanz." that made absolutely zero sense in this context of this and i'm sure probably 3% of my loyal readers caught that reference. This game will bring back fond memories from the time last year I attended the futures game in a drunken stupor and watched verlander and zumaya at comerica for the first time.

Kenny rogers is most likely going to start the all-star game on tuesday. its kind of ironic that he's starting the game as the AL's best pitcher when in my opinion he's been our 3rd or 4th best pitcher on the tigers staff.

dee-troit tigers are movin' on up, movin' on up!

Tigers bitch-slap national league

is using the word "bitch-slap" innapropriate to use in a title? In short, yes. But after watching the tigers double-broom the past two NL champs and compiling a 13-2 beatdown record overall against the player haters from the NL and a 54-25 overall record…this is pretty much the greatest thing ever to happen. I rank the Tigers 2006 season basically as an equal to getting into college, good health and the future birth of my lefty cy-young/switch hitting robot child that will redefine baseball as you know it.

Right now, its 315 am. I just got home from the bar. If I'm writing in my diary about how much I'm spazzing out about a baseball team at this time, that’s a)exciting, b)radical, c)dreadfully pathetic, like hello? earth to brady, your a turd, do something better with your life, or d) all of the above. I'd like to think it’s a mostly choice "A," but in reality it's for sure more of "C." Instead of resenting this, I guess I just have to embrace my inner-nerdom. Fuck the alpha-betas anyways. Booger is so cool. Did you see that concert they put on at the homecoming games? Who knew pointdexer was so great at the electric violin?, and that Lamar Latrell laid down a funky ass rhyme that made me move my body down to the ground. God, I want a piece of that sweet piece of ass Betty Childs....Alright, I'm clearly losing my focus. Just take it that I got the fever and it’s gripping detroit like a tightly fit speedo.

You might ask why I chose selleck as the picture for this. I did that simply for my 0 or 1 female readers. Well, your welcome, female reader. If you exist that is.

Anyways, the big hoopla surrounding the Tigers basically deals with the potential trades they might do. What is especially entertaining about this is that everyone is stupid and loves talking out of their ass about how they can potentially improve a team winning almost 70% of it's games. Names I've heard as potential targets have been dontrelle willis, john smoltz, barry bonds, cliff floyd, bobby abreau, aubrey huff and a whole host of other schmoes. The only player I potentially want is bobby abreau. This is totally in a deal that involves basically zero of our prospects and zero of our veterans. So, i'm willing to offer dmitri young, recently demoted bobby seay and Kevin hooper for abreau. I'm crossing my fingers, but I don't expect them to bite on this bargain. Even though it's great we are winning now, it’s even more important to secure our future. Making a foolish trade now would be a mistake on par with bay of pigs invasion. We are good now, but we have the potential to be great for the next 5-10 years. So, to make this simple, don't fuck this up, please.

in other news, dmitri young is back! After a tremendous year of screwing trammell, choking his 21 year old GF, checking into the betty ford clinic for rehab and playing terrible baseball to boot, he's back! meathook is in florida attempting to remember how to play baseball and will eventually don the historic mudhen logo. What's terrible about this entire situation is that we desperately could use a switch-hitting power hitter. So, if he can contribute, I wish him the best. He might as well pretend to earn the 8 million+ he's due to make this year.

ozzie guillen recently picked the assistant coaches for the all-star game in pittsburgh this year. In an all-around classy move he decided to pick eric wedge (35-42) and john gibbons (43-34) over jim leyland (54-25). Remember, leyland coached in pittsburgh for only a measly 11 years and won 2 coach of the year honors and brought the pirates to respectability. I'd criticize guillen, but I'm just petrified that he'll just curse me out and use insensitive slurs to discredit me.

The tigers travel to pittsburgh for some more AL/NL rivalry action. I just hope the killer b's (bonds, bonilla and bell) aren't too much for us to overcome. Atleast we got van slyke on our side this time.

Beat the bucs.

ozzie guillen loves the wnba

Recently, all around class act ozzie guillen recieved criticism for referring to jay marriotti as a "fag." Marriotti criticized guillen for demoting sean tracey, a rookie pitcher, who in his MLB debut guillen ordered to hit a batter. Tracey missed, Guillen was pissed, marriotti dissed. guillen after hearing marriotti's criticism had this to say in response, "What a piece of [expletive] he is, [expletive] fag." I'll let you fill in the expletives, but if I had an educated guess, I'd think the quote goes something like "what a piece of fart he is, motherlovin' fag." guillen defended himself by saying that in his country "fag" isn't a homosexual slur. remember, ozzie guillen has played baseball in the mlb for 16 years, and has coached for 3 years. So, i wouldn't really call this excuse especially valid. What I like about this entire situation is I absolutely hate marriotti as well. So this is basically a win-win situation.

My favorite part about this entire thing is guillen trying to defend this. Guillen tried defending himself to another columnist (couch), and was quoted as saying, "Guillen also told Couch that he has gay friends, attends WNBA games, went to a Madonna concert and plans to go to the Gay Games in Chicago." After literally falling out of my chair reading that, I came to the conclusion that Marriotti would be one hell of candidate to be guillen’s “partner” in the 3-legged race at the gay games. Comments like these are absolutely priceless. it's basically the same as saying that I really enjoy Plessy v. ferguson, but I'm not racist because I know black people, and I go to rap concerts. I loved that even when trying to defend himself, he just furthered other stereotypes. That picture of him kissing his son on the lips is definitely fitting here.

The Tigers handled their beeswax by going 5-1 against those bitches from the northside of chicago and the tigers old AL rival the Brewers. I'm extremely heartbroken I missed the majority of these games because it’s a pure delight watching the Tigers pitchers hit. When nate robertson hit an rbi single with 2 outs it was basically the equivalent of chris shelton stealing home in my opinion. The Tigers now head back to detwah for some more interleague delight against the Cardinals where we will certainly brag about our world series win over them a measly 38 years ago.

eat em' up tigers

tigers roar into flag day with best record in the bigs

Another eventful week for the tigers. A 4 game winning streak over the b-jays and d-rays has been NIICE (use borat voice). It's also always interesting when an arrest warrant is put out for one of your highest paid players on the team as well. Apparently, with being fake injured and on the DL, dmitri young had too much to do as he skipped his pre-trial and now faces arrest. He was receiving help from the betty ford clinic for alcohol abuse. I thought it was cute before when my sister always said he was nice to her at 5th avenue, but now that I know that she was just feeding his addiction really T's me off. I'm putting the blame completely on my sister for this one, hopefully the 40 extra lb's he's been carrying around was just built up beer and liquor that has been lodged in his system and when he's clean, this will all magically fall off. Kind of like Jared in that subway commercial wear he tears his fat suit off revealing a leaner and meaner self. Hopefully, meathook will be leaner...but not necessarily meaner, because that got him in trouble before.

The picture up top is from the tigers dramatic comeback win against TB. Of course I was there at that game. At the time granderson came through with the winning hit I was one of about 340 people still left in the stadium and it was the equivalent of christmas morning/halloween and flag day rolled into one. I'll be at the game tonight. Bonderman pitches tonight against former Philadelphia 76'er Mark Hendrickson. This schlub was drafted in the 2nd round by philly, but decided he'd rather become a marginal pitcher in baseball crazy tampa bay. Way to think it through, mark.

Topping the threatdown for this weekend....BEARS. or in this case the cubs. the cubs are stupid and from chicago, so I'm just going to assume everything goes swimmingly this weekend. I'm out of town this weekend so I'm going to miss the entire cubs series. I'm not going to be able to follow the tigers very well because I'll be at a music festival, and that would be a stupid use of my time. I think its pretty safe to assume by the time I get back the tigers will be riding high on a 9 game win streak.

I just want to wish all my readers a happy flag day...and be safe! no one wants to ruin the most sacred of holidays with a foolish flag day injury. If you are of legal age (or have fake id) take it easy. For every flag that you see, this doesn't necessarily give you permission to take a shot.

Dr. Destroyer a Tiger!

On the 6th day, of the 6th month of the year 2006 the Tigers select with their 6th pick a 6'6 Andrew Miller, a lefty hurler from North Carolina. Obviously you might think I might have some hang-ups about drafting the obvious ruler of the dark world to anchor our pitching rotation in the future. Not this time though, the Tigers drafted by basically everyone’s opinion the consensus #1 overall player in the draft at #6. He slipped to us because everyone thought he would be hard to sign, which might be true, but I have faith that Dombrowski will sacrifice 20 virgins to please Miller. Another thing you like is when players make up nicknames for themselves. Miller, obviously a smart guy, came up with the genius nickname "Dr. Destroyer." Even though Miller is leaving after his jr. year...it's always nice to see that he was able to get his doctorate before he graduated.

The Tigers just completed two series against teams that are named after socks. I guess in the early 1900's creativity was at an all-time low and the creators of these names just looked in their closets and blammmo! white and red sox it is. Anyways, both of these series went poorly. The Tigers should have won both series if it wasn't for Todd Jones remembering he's todd jones and giving up a 2 out bottom of the 9th HR to lose and Rodney reverting back to his pre tommy-john surgery days and serving up a pelvis-shattering 3-run HR to new HGH candidate Alex cintron. The Tigers now head to Toronto for a series with the B'jays. Hopefully if they have enough time they'll visit the hockey hall of fame.

US Cellular field I think just climbed in my top 3 in my list of the mostest stupiderest ballparks in baseball. Every single flyball felt like it was going to be gone. 11 Hr's were hit in 3 games. This is even more stupid when all the games were relatively low scoring games. I mean, cintron and polanco each hit Hr's this series. That's stupid. Homeruns should be difficult, thats why I have really grown to like the dimensions of Comerica Park a lot recently. There is not a more exciting play in baseball then a triple. Recently I did a Hr. Derby with two of my BFF's. A total of 3 Hr's were hit between us...I hit 0 of them. Even though this made me cry for the first time in 12 years, this was right. I have no business hitting homeruns after 0 practice in the last 3 years. Instead I was fouling off 45 mph gas or hitting a lazy fly ball into LF. Luckily, I bought some steroids and the next time you see me my head will be the equivalent of a bobble-head and the rest of my body will look like a person who was allergic to bee's who got stung by an entire nest. Who cares about testicles when you have pec's like mine?

"These fans here in Chicago are a black eye, cussing when there are kids around. I mean it's just bad for baseball." - jamie walker

Whats with these fans in chicago? I mean what the fuck is wrong with these shithead southsiders and their foul langauge? They should all be bitchslapped and their kids should be tought some fucking manners. Go eat a shit sandwich you assholes, you pale hosers.

Tigers vs. Sawks, Sucks (red, white)

The Tigers not surprisingly enter June with the best record in all of baseball. Tonight, they start a series against jimmy fallon's Red Sawks. Since I currently am living a life that directly parallels Billy Madison (pre Ms. Vaughn), all I do all way is watch obscure movies on HBO. Unluckily for me, Fever Pitch plays 7 or 8 times a day so I get to watch that on a much too frequently. Literally, the only part I really like in that movie is when drew barrymore gets destroyed by a foul ball off the forehead. Hopefully, she does her own stunts. Anyways, my point is that this sawks series became exponentially more important after suffering through multiple viewings of this movie. Schilling vs. Rogers tonight, Bonderman vs. Wakefield tomorrow, and the marquee matchup...Zach miner vs. Matt Clement. I'll be at Saturdays game. I anticipate clubbing and brutally disfiguring multiple members of REDSOXNATION. Including Dave.

Next, the "motor city kitties" invade Chicago for an all important series with the black sox. If i hear chris berman one more time say "motor city kitties" I'll fucking snap like that goon on Iceland who slashes Adam Banks' already tender wrist. Honestly, I have to change the channel off of my favorite show Baseball tonight when Berman gushes about the Tigers, it makes me that mad.

Anyways, the black sox are led by douche bag extraordinaire ozzie guillen. You might remember him as the light-hitting SS for the sox who hit a paltry .264 for his career and slugged a steroid-suspicious 28 career Hr's in 16 years. Recently, he's become popular for bitching out literally everyone and leading a group of unbelievable turds to a world series. Last year, he called Magglio a "Venezuelen piece of shit." This guy screams class! Also, the team song of last year was by Journey and it was "don't stop believing." Members of the black sox would gather around and bellow this fucking pathetic song whenever a microphone was put in front of them. Notorious Fuckwad Anthony John Peer-zin-skee (i can't spell his name, and no way in hell am i giving him the satisfaction of looking it up) led passionate misty-eyed renditions of journey on multiple occasions. I'm pretty sure when the Cub's Michael Barret punched aj in the face it wasn't because of the collision, it was because he was sick and tired of hearing journey sung on Sportscenter every night. America thanks you, michael.

Tigers up by 2.5 games now, the magic # to clinch the division is hovering right now at just above 100 hundred games. As the homeless guy outside copa says to me almost on a nightly basis "eat em' up tigers, EAT EM' UP!" That guy gets a dollar, everytime.

Tigers sweep 4 game series against AA baseball club

This picture has really nothing at all to do with anything going on at all. I just always thought it would be nice if someone would satisfy one of my boyhood dreams by having dmitri perform in a shakespearean play. Anyways, the "injury bug" has attacked the tigers recently. I’ll tell you, that fuckin' injury bug, every time man.. dmitri suffered what I can believe to be one of the few trips ever to the disabled list primarily just to get "his shit back in order" and patch things up with his 21 year old chicken head GF. Or, just to learn his lines for his performance in macbeth. who knows. Definitely not a strained quad, I can tell you that much.

In an injury that actually affects the team, Mike maroth was placed on the 15 day DL for an inflamed elbow. I was able to watch that first inning of the tigers game yesterday when maroth gave up back to back to back hr's and 6 earned runs while getting one royal out. It’s especially bad when you find out that the power hitting royals have slugged 3 Hr's in one game only one time prior to yesterday. If they match that total in the first inning, then you are pitching like bodussy. You certainly can't accuse the royals of steroids atleast. Losing Maroth is especially more devastating when the expected replacement is jason grilli. grilli is basically the only pitcher on the team who isn't putting up video game type numbers on our staff. I'd prefer Colon to take over the 5th spot, when the day comes when I am manager of the Tigers, I will be able to make those decisions.

The Tigers are 33-14....let that sink in for a minute. With the pistons in the eastern conference finals and the tigers 19 games over .500 in may, I think I must be going to hell. I definitely made a deal with the devil. Totally worth it though, I'll take meaningful baseball over an eternity of damnation without hesitation anytime. The fact the pistons are playing the heat...makes this apparent deal with the devil all the more evident. Honestly, I don't think there is a team I've ever hated more then this heat team. Cakes Walker, Dwayne "I'm going to fall on my ass and get an ass-bruise and act like I just shattered my leg" Wade, ason williams (no J), Alonzo "i almost died of kidney failure, but by the grace of god the raptors signed me and took a chance on me when no team would...but I'm still demanding a trade from those canucks" Mourning, etc. And who can forget the Shaq/ben wallace rap feud after the lakers series? Yeah, that was classic. Shaq laying down dope rhymes that I'd say were comparable to his acting in "Steel" and ben wallace making guest appearances on Skillz' song. Wow, that was some classic stuff there. Especially Riley. yeah, like van gundy really wanted to stop coaching one of the best teams in basketball a handful of games into the season to "spend time with his family." If i were his family...fuck! make that money, man. Nobody needs a stay at home dad when you could be out making millions.

Anyways, I'll probably be sacrificing game 3 of the heat series to go to the tigers/indians game on saturday night. If your there, I won't be hard to find. I'll be the guy enjoying my "diluted" pepsi a little bit too much in right field. I’ll probably also be there Sunday, and 2 of the 4 yankee games and atleast one or two of the bosox series. Should be pretty wild.

go tigers.

you know what first place feels like?... it feels like...like a bag of sand

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy...?

Sparky Anderson said that a baseball team truly can not be judged until the 40 game mark. Well, George is surely doing back flips after the Tigers pulled into the 40 game mark with a COMMANDING one game lead over the black sox and the best record in the MLB.

A lot has happened since my last update. It’s kind of difficult to stay current when you do not have a job and you have to sleep in until 1 pm everyday. Well, the tigers have currently won 7 straight, da-meathook da-beat his da-bitch up, and Zumaya a Marlin? say Whaaaaat?!

Sadly, oft injured DH DY decided that his 21 year old college boo was getting fresh with the meatstick. Did Dmitri Young haveta' choke a bitch?! Apparently, he did, and he's turning himself into the police on monday. Hitting a paltry .192 with 0 HR's thus far and now a domestic violence arrest this might be enough to signal an end to DY's career in Deetwah. No home runs for dmitri this year, instead its been more like hoe, run! after he polishes off a case of zimas. I've always tried to like Young, this first started off when my sister reported to me that he "tips incredibly well" at my uncles bar 5th avenue in Comerica Park. I even did get a kick out him attempting to field a baseball in the field, even if his fielding skills are comparable to a mentally challenged 7th grader. Also, his at-bat music of the ying-yang twins was a family delight! He chose "wait (the whisper song)" who's chorus consists of "Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick, Imma beat dat pussy up." if my face wasn't already botoxed to death, then a steady flow of tears would flow down my face.

Through some fortunate Pedro Cerrano voodoo curse, the Tigers currently have without a doubt the best pitching staff in baseball. Honestly, I can't explain this. We have an old man with anger issues, 2 pitchers who lost a combined 40 games a couple years ago, an underachieving lefty and a green rook. How this somehow equals a team ERA of 3.13 almost 1 full run over the 2nd best team in the AL is simply enough to almost have me suffer a brain aneurysm. We have given up 20 runs less then the 2nd best team in baseball. When I saw this stat, I was momentarily paralyzed from the waist down. And Jay-Z (zumaya) is one of the most dominating relievers in all of baseball.

Recent rumors have said that the marlins might be interested in trading dontrelle willis for zumaya. Honestly, this has given me an intense headache the last 36 hours. Zumaya looks as if he might be a lights-out closer for the next 10 years, while willis is already a cy young caliber lefty who's only 24, but who has a delivery who might make him susceptible to an arm injury. I imagine we'd also have to give up another mid-range prospect probably like a jordan tata or something. I think I developed an ulcer trying to analyze this trade. It really is way to tough to think about, and I hope it just goes away before I develop some other dehabilitating illness as a result of this.

Also, when you suckers were watching the pistons fart away our playoff chances in game 5, I was mostly watching Verlander vs. Santana. Honestly, this was probably one of the best games I've seen in years. Two pitchers who were just dominant until... hell froze over and monkeys flew out of wayne campbell's ass. Vance Wilson hit a 2-run HR in the bottom of the 8th inning leading us to a 2-0 victory. I was a witness alright, Vance Wilson won a game for us.

Tigers play the Reds in interleague baseball this weekend. I'll probably be thurr saturday night, and possibly sunday depending on if the Pistons want to do the equivalent of slapping an elderly woman in the face and beating up a group of kittens and lose in the 2nd round to the Cavaliers. I'm a high roller... I drive a Cavalier. If the pistons lose to the Cavaliers I think I am going to egg the fuck out of my car and beat it senseless with my bloody fists. I Guaransheed this.

The worst thing in the history of sport

No, not steroids, but Craig Monroe taking a pitch right below the belt (PUN INTENDED). I remember watching this game last year and literally being uncomfortable for the next couple of days. Monroe was quoted later on saying that he "doesn't wear a cup because he plays in the outfield." Wow. How he wasn't on the disabled list for the rest of the season is simply the most remarkable achievement in toughness in sports history. yes, Willis Reed and Mateen Cleaves showed incredible toughness coming back and guiding their teams to championships and Kirk Gibson showed incredible grit to overcome basically two worthless legs to hit the game winning Hr against Eckersley...but, they weren't hit by a baseball traveling at an incredible speed in the crotcial region. You really think Gibson would've been able to hit Eckersley after taking one in the groin? hell no, strike 3! That is why Craig Monroe will forever go down in Tigers lore as one of the toughest SOB's in the history of sports.

This really has no relation to how the Tigers season has gone so far. Currently, we are 22-13 and are taking our nerf Crotch bats (snl reference) to the rest of the american league. The Black Sox are still 1.5 games up, with a measly 117 games to play. In my obviously unbiased opinion, we are a virtual lock for the AL central title.

Also, Zumaya hitting Chris Gomez with a 100 mph fast ball in the hand produced about the most grotesque sound I've ever heard. Gomez, as you remember was a Tiger legend playing for us the glory days in the early to mid 90's. Incredibly, he still stayed in the game even though it was obvious from just listening to it that his hand was mangled and broken. He's on the disabled list for a couple of months.

Right now, I'm planning on going to the entire Twins series tue-thurs at copa. Don't be a stranger; buy your #1 source for Detroit Tigers info a $8.50 beer if you happen to be there also.

33-1....and TWINS!!

Once again, the Tigers tracked their prey, pounced on them and ripped apart their chest leaking their bloody organs and insides exposed for other Tigers to gnaw and rip apart and enjoy a filling meal. This time, their target was Twins. Not actual twins, but rather the entire state of Minnesota. Call in FEMA, because this disaster is going to take a while to recover from.

The Tigers broomed the Twins in a most convincing fasion. They won game one by a 3 fieldgoals 9-0. Game two was decided by Justin Verlander kicking 6 straight field goals and only giving up a PAT to win 18-1. And the "gambler" recorded 3 seperate safties sacking QB Ron Gardenhire to win 6-0. This all adds up to a 33-1 noogie and wedgie-fest laugher in favor of the tigers.

If this wasn't a clear enough definition of what happened this weekend at copa, try this metaphor instead. Take the Mighty Ducks trilogy, and you can use the games against their rivals before they ceremoniously changed their name back to the Ducks for the rematch. For instance the District 5 team, TEAM USA and finally the Eden Hall Warriors JV team. The Twins play the part of the "lost Ducks" and the Tigers are the Hawks, Team Iceland and Eden Hall varsity. Game 1 was like TEAM USA vs. Iceland in the first game. The Tigers brute strength was too much to overcome in a 9-0 statement game. Game 2, was like District 5 vs. the hawks. Winning 18-1 and literally making a red-faced Gardenhire question his teams "cahones." Game 3, was Eden Hall JV vs. Eden Hall varsity. Even though JV squad might of had past success, they were still weaklings compared to the stronger and more attractive Varsity squad. This weekend, the Tigers really emphasized that the twins were just JV bitches compared to the Tigers.

Next, the kansas shitty royals come to town bringing in Runelvys Hernandez for the opener. It is also pathetic that I am able to spell "runelvys" correctly just because of the sheer hatred I have for this fuckbag. If you remember, he is the d'bag who drilled Guillen in the head and then talked shit starting a bench clearing brawl. Luckily Farnsworth was able to execute a flawless form tackle on a unsuspecting royal in this fight. go tigers, beat kansas. All they are is dust in the wind.